My partner “Van” and I met “Terrell” a few years ago at Blatino Oasis at the nudist Santiago Resort in Palm Springs.
Terrell, 31, who hails from Homestead, Fla., is a kept boy. His boyfriend, or should I say patron, is “Gerard,”a wealthy, 70-year-old white man.
Gerard owns several homes in Miami and Fort Lauderdale and he flies Terrell around the world, to Spain, to Mykonos, London and even Brazil.
Yet I don’t envy Terrell, despite the fact he drives around in a BMW hard-topped convertible probably financed by Gerard.
What if Gerard gets tired of his boy toy? Or Heaven forbid dies and leaves Terrell with nothing? Terrell says he doesn’t even take Gerard around his peeps, who may know Terrell is gay but never bring it up.
I hung around with Terrell by the pool in Palm Springs. He had the best weed. We just vibed on each other’s company – he saw Van and I lounging around nude but we didn’t even so much as flirt with him
“Come on Immanuel. Let’s get high,” he would say while Gerard looked on approvingly from a patio table where he sat sipping his morning coffee and reading the paper.
And I as I puffed the blunt I would look at them and wonder how they got together. The handsome, golden-complexioned, street wise Miami boy and the wiry, slight white man.
Terrell still lives in Miami and one day he hit me up on Grindr, opened up his private pics, and we recognized each other. When I come down to Van’s place in Hollywood we always say we will hang out but never do.
But this morning he hit us up and said he wanted to get high and get fucked and watch me fuck Van. And get pics and videos.
So he came by the condo, we lit up one of his blunts, and we did that thing. Here are some pics and a video clip:
A casual acquaintance “Jaleel” called me a week or so ago, all upset.
“Come get your cousin,” he said. “He is fucking up.”
Jaleel was dating”Edgar,” a dark-skinned bottom whose family comes from the same town as my Mom. He also has the same last name as my mother’s family so we jokingly call each other cousin although we have not proven the connection.
“Oh, no Jaleel, what did he do?” But deep down I already knew. Edgar. who was married to a woman but divorced several years ago, is a dick hound. I mean, that guy would fuck a tree if someone attached a dildo to it.
“Immanuel, I really tried to make this work,” Jaleel said. “I took him out on dates, cooked for him, and even paid for comedy club tickets. But he is still keeps fucking around on me. I’ve had enough.”
Jaleel explained what happened. He had planned to take Edgar on a date on Friday night but Edgar begged off, claiming he was fighting a cold and wanted to sleep in. So Jaleel went out to Club Bunns, where DJ Thommy Davidson spins house music every Friday night and people dance until the walls sweat.
“I happened to take a break from dancing and looked on Jack’d on my phone and it said Edgar was just a mile away,” Jaleel said. “That made no sense because he lives eight miles out of town.”
Jaleel guessed Edgar was nearby at Druid Hill Park, a notorious cruising spot. People are known to go there and fuck in the bushes, on park benches, damn even the pitching mound of the baseball field.
“I drove over and saw his car and walked through the trees and there he was,” Jaleel said. “So I hid in the brush and just watched and he was doing stuff you wouldn’t believe.”
That piqued my curiosity. I wanted the dirty details.
“What was he doing, Jaleel?”
“That black motherfucker was on his knees sucking three and four dude’s dicks and bending over and taking dick up his ass — raw! I couldn’t believe that shit.”
Jaleel walked back to his car. He meant to just leave a note on Edgar’s car saying he got caught. But his anger got the best of him and he went back and confronted him in the darkness of the park.
“Bitch, I see your ass out here. It’s over. Fuck you. And here is the jacket you bought me. Give it to one of these niggers you fucking in the park.”
And despite the chilly weather Jaleel stripped off his jacket, threw it at a surprised Edgar’s feet, and stalked off.
Jaleel is handsome, a stylish dresser, owns his home and his nice as can be.
“You can do better than Edgar although I know it hurts.”
“Yeah, you are right Immanuel. Thanks for listening to me. I really needed to vent.”
And I hung up the phone.
And would you believe it wasn’t two hours later before Edgar hit me up on Adam4Adam trying to get some dick.
We don’t live in the Dark Ages.
We understand how many diseases are transmitted. We can cure things our ancestors died from like flies.
And most Americans can read at a third grade level.
Then how come there are so many young folks having raw, risky sex and drugging who get mad at you when you say, “No thanks I’ll pass ”
This handsome 22-year-old hit me up a week ago. Slender and dark as a human Tootsie Roll.
“I want you to flood me with cum,'” he said.
“Sorry, I don’t do raw and I really prefer men closer to my age.”
He didn’t take no for an answer. He sent more pics to entice me. But they turned me off more.
His arms looked like they had track marks from intravenous drug use. Then he sent a photo of his spread ass cheeks.
What was up with his fingers? They had clearly infected, ulcerated sores.
What were those white patches up his ass? Globs of cum or some disease?
And why would you send a stranger such shots?
All I could think is these young men have so much life ahead. I’m 30 years older and still enjoy life.
Why are they destroying themselves?
Self-hate in the gay community takes many forms. But one form I have noticed lately is the gay guys with girlfriends.
Like by having a girlfriend you aren’t really gay. At most you are bisexual. Which somehow in their minds is superior to being gay.
A few weeks ago I got hit up on via Facebook by an older man named “Duane.” He started flirting, which led to him sending nude photos and saying all the things he would do to me like sucking the hell out of my dick.
Finally we talked to each other by telephone and he explained that like me he had once been married and was a father and grandfather. His wife had died in a tragic accident and since then he had played with men, been in relationships with a few and even been a male exotic dancer in gay clubs to make extra money.
“But guys are crazy,” he said. “I ended up having to issue a restraining order against one of my boyfriends.”
Now Duane still plays with men and in fact bragged about hooking up with one of my old hook-ups, the illegal alien, who is now on the path to citizenship. But he also has a long-distance girlfriend in Georgia who he plans to live with when he retires in a few years.
“I just think women are better at relationships so I see myself settling down with her eventually,” he said. “I like to cook and really want to operate a food truck with her.
“Have you told this woman you have sex with men,” I asked.
“Well, she knows I experimented with men in the past and that I was an exotic dancer but she doesn’t know I’m doing so currently.”
“Do you have sex — it doesn’t seem like you get together that often,” I asked.
“Well, we have had sex one time.”
Oh. Okay. It will be interesting to see how that works out, I think to myself. For some reason I don’t think Duane is telling this woman the full truth.
Last month another man hit me up — this guy named Abebe. I think he is Ethiopian or something.
Abebe has a daughter from a previous relationship but is single now and enjoys bottoming. But when we talked on the phone I learn he has a fiancé. Like Duane, Abebe’s fiancé lives hundreds of miles away and he rarely sees her.
“Have you ever had sex,” I ask.
“No,” Abebe answers.
“Well, how often do you see her?”
“Oh, once every few weeks or months.”
These are men in their late 50s. They have good jobs and seem to be independent. They are very sexually active with men and go online to seek male partners. So why go through all this girlfriend pretense?
When I think about what I did — getting into men, separating from my wife, divorcing and starting a new life on the gay side — I was either very brave, very stupid, very crazy or all three.
Would I do it again? Mostly in hindsight I say yes but then at other times I doubt myself.
But then I look at guys I have interacted with who are still down-low and doing the same thing. Remember, almost a decade has passed since I started this blog. I was in my early 40s. Now I’m in my early 50s.
And there are men out there my age and older who are still doing the DL song-and-dance.
There is Gerald, 70 years old and still creeping. Remember him from this 2014 blog post? His wife had a stroke and he wanted me to come and lay up with him at his house while she was in rehabilitation. I just couldn’t do such a disrespectful thing.
Now Gerald is recovering from prostate cancer treatment but is still as horny for man sex as ever. I have heard sexual desire really does not fade as we age — just the ability to perform.
Gerald is staring mortality in the face (we all are now that we are middle-aged) and he texted me something very poignant. He said sometimes he looks back and knows he would have been happier if he had come out as gay in college instead of just getting married to meet other people’s expectations.
To be 70 years old and regret not being your true self is profoundly sad to me.
Remember Samuel, the older Caribbean man who came to me for advice about leaving his marriage? It’s six years later and he is still with her and sneaking around like an undercover agent searching for dick. Just stuck in a rut.
Then there is Lamont — the DL businessman with the big house who creeps on his wife with men, even boldly doing so while vacationing with her on cruise ships. Well, last month his wife and child went on a vacation together and he had the house to himself.
Like Gerald he wanted me to come lay up — and bring the condoms and lube too because he couldn’t keep stuff like that around the house where wifey could find them.
I politely turned him down. I like sex as much as the next person and he has an amazing body but the whole thing — sneaking into the house while the wife is away — just doesn’t appeal to me. It’s not sexy or exciting. It’s just kinda pathetic.
Married guys still hit up on me online. DL men my age who have been swinging with men on the sly since high school and college and are still doing that same shit at 20, 30, 40 and even a half century later. How they keep that from their wives for so long amazing me unless their wives really don’t give a fuck.
Sometimes I envy them, I gotta admit. They have the hetero-privilege, the respectability, the public persona of being upright family men. They didn’t disrupt their families and have to rebuild relationships with children, friends and other family members like I did.
But when I really sit down and think about it I’m happy and content and free. And my life is not a half-lie. So I guess I’m good.
“Ira” hit me up on Craigslist months ago before Craiglist yanked the personals ads.
From the start I should have known he was wrestling with deep issues. Like starting with his name. What parents give their son a name more commonly given to girls? That had to fuck him up as a kid.
Ira is married and lives in one of those mini-mansion, tract homes in the Baltimore suburbs of Owings Mills. He is tall and light-skinned, in his late 50s, still has a decent body, and runs a successful media business.
Through a series of texts Ira explained that although he is married and a father and grandfather he has played with men since his days in college at Morgan State University.
“I’ve never been very good with women,” he said.
Since Ira claims to be religious he would go through periods of extreme guilt after playing with men. But of course the desire would build again and a few weeks or months later Ira would again find a man to rub dicks with.
Personally I thought we would never meet — he seemed so conflicted and more interested in talking about male-to-male sex than doing it. But last weekend I got a surprise text from him. He was doing some business nearby and wanted to drop by. We had been texting back and forth for a year, so why not?
But the sex was weird. I knew he wasn’t into penetrative sex so it would all be foreplay. But he insisted I put on a condom just to frottage because he was afraid of catching a disease and taking it back to his wife.
Then he averted any eye contact with me at all, his eyes darting away when I looked at him like some nervous animal.
“If I don’t look at you I still get the feeling of sex but I can kinda psyche myself out that I’m not really here,” he explained.
Yup, told you brother man had issues.
To be honest he insulted me. He was the one seeking me out but then treated me like a walking germ just waiting to give him an STD. And the sex was trash.
Then, not long after he departed Ira texted saying he was again suffering from a severe case of religious guilt. It was like he was blaming me.
“I have reservations and I’m trying to be sincere to my wife.”
“I have God on my side. That’s why I feel uncomfortable with it.”
I urged Ira to not walk but run to get therapy from a psychologist or social worker who was an expert in dealing with men grappling with same-sex attraction. And I assured him that he could still have an active faith based life and still be a same gender loving man. He just had to work it out.
“Messing around is not my cup of tea any longer. I’m distancing myself from sin,” he responded.
The next day I called two buddies to talk about Ira. One is a gay man who was formerly married to a woman but is now married to a man and is a minister and gospel singer in southern Maryland. Let’s call him “Daniel.”
And the second friend lives in San Francisco and is very active in the Congregational Church in California. Let’s call him “Roger.”
“That man is just ignorant about the Bible,” Roger said.
Roger went on to explain how some so-called Christians pick and choose parts of the Old Testament Book of Deuteronomy that seem to condemn homosexuality. But they conveniently ignore other parts of the book that say practices such as eating shellfish and wearing garments of mixed fabric will send you to hell, too.
The Apostle Paul, who wrote against homosexuality, was a product of the patriarchal Jewish society of his times, Roger explained. The most important thing is Jesus never condemned homosexuality in the Gospels and in fact if Jesus was on Earth today he would probably be supporting oppressed groups such as immigrants, the homeless and LGBT people, he said.
“I think Ira’s main problem is not that he is gay but why is he cheating on his wife,” Roger said. “When he figures out why he is married to her and cheating everything else will work out. It goes beyond the fact he is gay.”
Daniel was more blunt, which surprised me because he is a minister so I thought he would have a more conciliatory, helpful tone. Daniel said he was just tired of arguing with ignorant people such as Ira about whether being gay was a sin.
The medical and mental health profession had long ago proved that homosexuality is merely a part of the human continuum. And many denominations now accept LGBTQ people, Daniel said.
“Why are you wasting time with that brother,” Daniel said. “He is not worth arguing with. And please don’t have sex with him again.”