The Down-Low Men I Left Behind

man walking in the night

When I think about what I did — getting into men, separating from my wife, divorcing and starting a new life on the gay side — I was either very brave, very stupid, very crazy or all three.

Would I do it again? Mostly in hindsight I say yes but then at other times I doubt myself.

But then I look at guys I have interacted with who are still down-low and doing the same thing. Remember, almost a decade has passed since I started this blog. I was in my early 40s. Now I’m in my early 50s.

And there are men out there my age and older who are still doing the DL song-and-dance.

There is Gerald, 70 years old and still creeping. Remember him from this 2014 blog post? His wife had a stroke and he wanted me to come and lay up with him at his house while she was in rehabilitation. I just couldn’t do such a disrespectful thing.

Now Gerald is recovering from prostate cancer treatment but is still as horny for man sex as ever. I have heard sexual desire really does not fade as we age — just the ability to perform.

Gerald is staring mortality in the face (we all are now that we are middle-aged) and he texted me something very poignant. He said sometimes he looks back and knows he would have been happier if he had come out as gay in college instead of just getting married to meet other people’s expectations.

To be 70 years old and regret not being your true self is profoundly sad to me.

Remember Samuel, the older Caribbean man who came to me for advice about leaving his marriage? It’s six years later and he is still with her and sneaking around like an undercover agent searching for dick. Just stuck in a rut.

Then there is Lamont — the DL businessman with the big house who creeps on his wife with men, even boldly doing so while vacationing with her on cruise ships. Well,  last month his wife and child went on a vacation together and he had the house to himself.

Like Gerald he wanted me to come lay up — and bring the condoms and lube too because he couldn’t keep stuff like that around the house where wifey could find them.

I politely turned him down. I like sex as much as the next person and he has an amazing body but the whole thing — sneaking into the house while the wife is away — just doesn’t appeal to me. It’s not sexy or exciting. It’s just kinda pathetic.

Married guys still hit up on me online. DL men my age who have been swinging with men on the sly since high school and college and are still doing that same shit at 20, 30, 40 and even a half century later. How they keep that from their wives for so long amazing me unless their wives really don’t give a fuck.

Sometimes I envy them, I gotta admit. They have the hetero-privilege, the respectability, the public persona of being upright family men. They didn’t disrupt their families and have to rebuild relationships with children, friends and other family members like I did.

But when I really sit down and think about it I’m happy and content and free. And my life is not a half-lie. So I guess I’m good.

The DL Boy in the Neighborhood isn’t Dead Afterall

I stand corrected and embarrassed.

The DL Boy in the Neighborhood, the drug dealer who flirted with my partner “Van” and me, is not dead after all.

The neighbor who told me was mistaken. Another neighbor set me straight a few days later.

But the young man’s condition is still very grave. After the shooting he lost a lot of blood and the doctors put him into an induced coma. The neighbor, a woman whose son is friends with DL Boy, said there may be some brain damage due to lack of oxygen.

So he will have to undergo rehabilitation and will probably never be the same physically, she said..

Something is nagging me to go visit him. The next time I see this neighbor I will find out which hospital he is in.

The DL Boy in the Neighborhood is Dead

The DL Boy in the Neighborhood is wearing the white t shirt. I took this photo of him last year on the corner with his associates, probably dealing drugs.

The young dl dude in the neighborhood who used to flirt with my partner “Van” and me is dead.

Gunned down in a housing project less than a mile away on Jan. 30.

The Baltimore Sun didn’t even bother to mention his name. Just that he had been shot multiple times and taken to the hospital.

I knew he was still dealing drugs on the corner. I saw him just a few weeks ago. A neighbor today casually mentioned he was shot and died from his wounds.

I’m grieving. Lately I had a strong urge to just walk up to him on the corner and talk.

“Why you dealing drugs and going in and out of jail?”

“Do you dream of doing something else? Something better?”

“How can I help you?”

Now it’s too late. Fuck! He wasn’t even  20 years old yet. I’ve already lived more than twice his short lifespan.

So handsome and tall. And that cute smirk he used to make. Gone. Forever.

That’s not right God. He hadn’t experienced life yet. He probably never even left the hood.

Van told me not to take it so hard. Even if I had reached out he probably wouldn’t have listened, Van said.

“We’ve talked about this and knew how it would turn out,” he said.

But I can’t stop “what if?” from echoing in my mind. “What if? What if?”

The Man who liked to get fisted…and his Wife

The Man who liked to get fisted showed up at one of the very first sex parties my partner “Van” and I held.

He was a snack food marketing professional from Chicago who was in Washington, D.C. on business. The Man had a hectic week and wanted to blow off steam by romping around my house naked with 40-odd other men.

He knocked on the door and I answered. Ummm. Handsome. And well muscled because he worked out almost every day.

And a freak.

He soon hooked up with “Rodney,” a 29-year-old , tall chocolate brother with a beautiful gap-toothed smile. Van and I call “Rodney” our gay nephew because he likes to come over and just hang out with us and talk about life.

The Man bent over and asked Rodney to lube up his big right hand and push it up his ass. Rodney just grinned and did what he was asked. And The Man was soon jacking off and cumming with Rodney’s hand far up his lower intestines.


Photo courtesy of


The experience was so good that The Man got Rodney’s number and they communicated regularly.

“You should come out to Chicago, Rodney,” he said. “Sometimes I get six or seven guys to run a train on me and fuck this muscled ass all night.”

“I can buy your airfare and put you up in a hotel and come over and you can fuck me all weekend.”

Well one day Rodney texted The Man an innocent “Good Morning” and got a surprise when The Man’s wife texted him back. He didn’t even know The Man was married.

“Who are you?” she asked.

Before he knew it she had called him and they were deep in conversation. She just rambled on and on like she had to get shit off her chest.

“My husband is getting all these calls and texts from men. What the hell is going on? They keep texting him, ‘Do you want to get up?'”

“What does that mean? Does it mean they want to hang out or is my husband gay?”

“And one time he was taking a shower and bent over to dry his feet and I noticed his asshole was all puckered out and swollen — it was disgusting. I asked him what had happened but he said he got a hernia from weightlifting at the gym.”


Photo courtesy of

Rodney has a baby face and although he is pushing 30 still looks like a teenager. But he can lie like an old pro.

“Oh, I don’t know anything about your husband being gay. I just graduated from Morgan State with a degree in marketing and he was my mentor. I call him from time to time to get career advice.”

She seemed to be satisfied with that answer and after awhile said goodbye.

But the next day The Man called Rodney mad as a hornet.

“How the fuck dare you out me to my wife? You faggots can’t keep your mouths shut.”

He went on and on, not letting Rodney get in a word. But finally Rodney managed to do so.

“Look man, you can just shut the fuck up with that bullshit. I didn’t tell your wife shit. I think she figured it out. She said she noticed all these calls and texts coming in.”

And Rodney quickly off the phone. But a few weeks later he remembered how good that muscle ass was and texted The Man back.

The cellphone number was disconnected.



Reader Question: How can I keep my sex life private and discreet?


One of my blog readers is grappling with keeping is sex life private and sent this long and sometimes convoluted question. My answer is below.

Q: Hey man, this is kind of long.  I am an intelligent brother but when i get excited I can be a little all over the place.

Discovered your blog about 2 years ago. Been off an on, between grad school and feelings of guilt.  I just stopped by again and read a post about your words of wisdom for gay men. In it you said there is karma and it works more quickly in the gay world. That had me thinking.

How easy is it to have discreet encounters? I used to mess around with dudes about once a year during my teenage years. I used to meet up in parks or A4A. I mean literally like twice a year. After every encounter I would feel guilty. Also between being cold (from the north east)and being a student all the time, my encounters were limited to the summer. During my college years I got into a relationship with a woman and cheated once/ twice (a I kissed a dude) guilt (a good thing in this case) mad me tell her within in days of doing it. We broke up. I remained celibate from all sex for almost  5 years ago. Fast forward. I still love women, can’t see myself having a relationship with a dude but I still need to keep thing discreet.

I am far from paranoid as other dudes are and as I once was, However, don’t need people in my business. I went back on A4A and spoke to a few dudes here and there, met up with maybe 2 dudes but spoke to maybe 6-7. After I rejected one, one pointed out, the more you talk or meet up with people they less DL you become. I was like shit that is so true. He also said his pics got stolen and his friends told him. I was like  how many discreet dudes has like 5 friends who are not only gay but on the sites/apps?

I am wondering can anyone really be discreet? Discovered craiglist last year and like it because it is straight to the point and there are less “bored” people on there. Well one guy hit up my ad and signed his name in his email. Well, I always google or facebook the name of the phone number or research any dude I meet up with if the information is available. This dude turns out to be married so indeed he was DL.  However if your information is so easily available are you trying to be discreet.

I too now wonder if I have been sloppy. I have a DL name but other than that I tell the truth about everything. But just speaking to other dudes about other dudes (they have spoken with on A4A or CL (don’t have any of the apps) it seems that the gay world is sloppy. I was in program at a college this past year and there was on gay brother in the cohort. He was mad cool, and introduced me one day to his frat brother who was new to the school but straight. Well I went on CL, and responded to an ad for a DL brother. Well, he gave his number, so I looked him up on facebook. Boom it turns out to be my gay classmates’ frat brother. This frat brother had just moved here and he and my classmate were just frat brothers, I am sure of that. To make matters worse, I was going through this guys friends list and I saw that he knew a dude from the area who I had met up with a couple months back.. That dude is definitely DL, masculine, but, he has never been to college, and the other dude just moved here so there is now way they could have met up but are now friends on facebook. I assume after hooking up. What dl dudes befriends a guy they are sleeping with on facebook? That implies realy names, etc more were given out. It is interesting this frat dude asked me if I was in a frat first and while telling me which one he was in. He told me where he went to school but he lied about his concentration but told the truth about his frat. I am like damn people are sloppy or not consistent. I mean if you told me you were a black MBA student it may be hard to figure you out but if you tell me your frat that narrows the pool even more.

Now, I feel like I am back to being paranoid. And this is not from a cheating perspective, whether I consider myself gay or bi, not everyone needs to know who I am sleeping with.  But even the “legit” dl dudes seem to either not care or are real sloppy.

My main question How does one have discreet encounters? I don’t have any DL friends, and don’t want to sleep with my friends. Married dudes tends to be “safer” but I have only met up with two dudes who were married in the past and I am trying to be a homewrecker.  What are the different levels of Dl dudes? Anyway to spot them? I agree the most sane dudes on A4A are the ones who keep it simple in their posts but others I don’t know about. I was so proud that I am not paranoid like I was 6 years ago or like some 40 year olds I have spoken to online but these encounters in the past few months makes me feel like I am regressing.

A: Good morning:

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I hope my answers to your questions help.

So you want to be discreet? The best way is to develop a sexual, fuck buddy relationship with a person who is  like minded.

Try advertising on Craigslist or Adam for something like that. Describe in detail that you are DL and want to keep it that way. There are others out there who feel the same way.

In DC there is a sex party club for DL mostly married guys. It is called The Circle and is advertised on A4a under that name. They are discreet guys who come together and freak and go back to the straight side. They even network outside of sex. There could be a similar group on your area.

Also if you want to be private as you wrote don’t associate with messy or crazy people, although this may be hard to ascertain through online ads.

Having said all this however I would like to urge you to seek a therapist and just talk and explore yourself. You seem to have extreme  feelings of shame and guilt about your sexuality.

The fact you claimed to be celibate for five years sounded troubling. Did you really mean no sex, not with women, men or masturbation?

You dabbled with men and confessed to your girl? Did you do this as an excuse to be free? Because most guys I know with girls keep their dealings with men in secrecy.

And although bisexuality exists are you really gay and not ready to express it?

Also understand once you are having sex with men you are really not DL. Being DL to me sometimes is a form of self delusion for men who are ashamed of their sexuality and want to conform to hetero society. So they trick themselves mentally by saying I’m not gay I’m just DL and dabbling on the side.

I’ve also discovered some guys get off on the cloak and dagger aspect of the DL life. The secrecy and creeping adds to the excitement of the sex

So believe me there will always be people that know your tea. Some of your friends may already know or suspect and simply don’t care because being gay or bisexual now is far less of a big deal.

So please stop obsessing about who knows whom on social media. Relax and enjoy your life. I am out in my private life and with some family but not at work. Only a few close friends even know about my blog. As you grow older I hope you learn to balance your private and public life.

Good luck and peace and blessing to you.

P.S. I will share your letter on my blog. My readers are wise and may be able to offer you better advice.