Gay Men and Their Girlfriends


I’m meeting more men who are predominately gay who claim they have girlfriends, usually in long-distance relationships. Getty image.

Self-hate in the gay community takes many forms. But one form I have noticed lately is the gay guys with girlfriends.

Like by having a girlfriend you aren’t really gay. At most you are bisexual. Which somehow in their minds is superior to being gay.

A few weeks ago I got hit up on via Facebook by an older man named “Duane.” He started flirting, which led to him sending nude photos and saying all the things he would to me like sucking the hell out of my dick.

Finally we talked to each other by telephone and he explained that like me he had once been married and was a father and grandfather. His wife had died in a tragic accident and since then he had played with men, been in relationships with a few and even been a male exotic dancer in gay clubs to make extra money.

“But guys are crazy,” he said. “I ended up having to issue a restraining order against one of my boyfriends.”

Now Duane still plays with men and in fact bragged about hooking up with one of my old hook-ups, the illegal alien, who is now on the path to citizenship. But he also has a long-distance girlfriend in Georgia who he plans to live with when he retires in a few years.

“I just think women are better at relationships so I see myself settling down with her eventually,” he said. “I like to cook and really want to operate a food truck with her.

“Have you told this woman you have sex with men,” I asked.

“Well, she knows I experimented with men in the past and that I was an exotic dancer but she doesn’t know I’m doing so currently.”

“Do you have sex — it doesn’t seem like you get together that often,” I asked.

“Well, we have had sex one time.”

Oh. Okay. It will be interesting to see how that works out, I think to myself. For some reason I don’t think Duane is telling this woman the full truth.

Last month another man hit me up — this guy named Abebe. I think he is Ethiopian or something.

Abebe has a daughter from a previous relationship but is single now and enjoys bottoming. But when we talked on the phone I learn he has a fiancé. Like Duane, Abebe’s fiancé lives hundreds of miles away and he rarely sees her.

“Have you ever had sex,” I ask.

“No,” Abebe answers.

“Well, how often do you see her?”

“Oh, once every few weeks or months.”

These are men in their late 50s. They have good jobs and seem to be independent. They are very sexually active with men and go online to seek male partners. So why go through all this girlfriend pretense?

14 thoughts on “Gay Men and Their Girlfriends

  1. Immanuel, recall in your previous life you were with a woman, that led to marriage and producing children. You were ‘all in.’ Invested. And, there were times when that relationship was sweet. Feelings changed, and you became the Immanuel you are today. Two posts ago you wondered if leaving your old life for a gay one was crazy. Of all the men you had encounters with some could never materialize into a new life, even marriage. Finding true love for many gay men is challenging because the pool is smaller in terms of selection. A relationship between 2 men can be stormy. There is little societal support for such a union. The perfect person could be in another state. And, as the song goes’ if you can’t be with the one you want (love), love the one you’re with.’ Immanuel, you might continue to evolve and grow over the next decade or so. Who knows what you will say in your blogs, then.

    • Thanks for your thoughts. Appreciate them. I know many same gender loving men in relationships. And I am aware of the challenges. That being said I think internalized homophobia prompts guys to get into these pseudo relationships with women that are just a front. Relationships are built on trust and honesty. How can you have a true relationship with a woman if you are not honest about your attraction to men.

      • I hear what Anonymous is saying, and I understand it, TRUST. But Immanuel’s arguments hold water AND weight. We’re in 2O18: BLACK gay men and LBTQ people are out here living their BEST lives as couples, IN WHATEVER capacity that appears as (open, closed relationships, etc.). I am one to ACCEPT and honour people for where they’re at, but it is IRKSOME to see what us MEN, us BLACK MEN put other human beings through.

        At this rate, most of my Black community men (note:- MOSTLY MEN) who are in their middle ages have the potential to end up dead living an “invisible life”. Get HELP. Where there is a PrEP, there’s also a counselor out there waiting to assist these men with whatever mental health struggles that they are enduring.
        It can’t always be about our testosterone driving our need for SEX, dick and ass. There is more to life than that.

        And hear ye, hear ye: A WOMAN ALWAYS KNOWS. It is called intuition from the bottom of her womb. #TRUST

      • In these times, many black men are experiencing a extremely hard times in a world and job market that is more comfortable with them NOT being around. Recognize that. Some black men need to shack up with Whom Ever just to have an address. Gay men do this too. All the time. There are gay guys who would shack up with you, Immanuel. They don’t really like you, but they will take that roof over their head. Can’t fault a brother for doing what he need to do to have a roof over his head. You had a roof with the mother of your children.
        Was that a ‘front?’ To use your words: How can you have a true relationship with a woman if you are not honest about your attraction to men.

  2. I agree with your U Immanuel, some of these men are in denial, unable to stand up and live as they see fit. I would never get involved with someone like that..They are not being true, fair to self or their partner..I wouldn’t trust them.

  3. Perhaps the reason is as you noted in your post: they perceive bisexuality as superior to same gender loving. This reasoning doesn’t excuse their deception of both the “girlfriends” in their lives and themselves. Naked hugs!

  4. When or if we judge we must not forget where we come from. A person that been there and done that should fully understand why gay men do this while having a girlfriend or wife. That’s like saying for years and years you was a bank robber and now that you stopped robbing banks, you’re wondering why guys robs banks. Remember you use to rob banks too. Robbing banks is wrong as shit but you did it because you wasn’t fulfilled with what you was making and wanted more.. When you on your OWN time decided that robbing banks wasn’t the kind of life you wanted to live then you decided to stop. The lying, stealing, running, looking over your shoulders at all times were too much to bear. So what I’m saying is dl men are out here and been out here for years and years. When a dl man decides to be honest with himself and decide to leave his girlfriend or wife; that don’t make him a sanctified hero that have the authority to dictate to other dl men how to live and to question why they continue to hide when one should fully know because they hid too. In closing I want revisit what I said earlier which is please men. Don’t forget where you came from and avoid judging at all cause. 🙂

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