Life Changes


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“Van” and I this week had to rush to South Carolina for the funeral of my stepfather.

Ma was glad to see us. My stepfather was a cool guy and fully accepted my sexuality and Van into the family, even saying he was a much nicer person than my ex-wife.

But his death after a long illness will bring changes to my life.

I’m thinking more about aging and mortality now. And I will have to travel South more frequently to check in on Mom, who claims she needs no help  but every once in awhile does.

But I’m up for the challenge and pray God directs me.

22 thoughts on “Life Changes

  1. Knowing full well how inadequate this is, I truly am sorry for your loss.

    You didn’t mention how old your mother is. Hopefully she’s got her health and a great circle of friends and interests that keep her vital, independent and living life to the fullest.

    I’m sure you’ve mentioned in the past if you have siblings, but I must have missed or forgotten it. If your mother is getting up there, now would be the time to mend any rifts from the past between the siblings if you can. There will come a day when your mother needs help and ALL of you will need to work together on her behalf and put aside petty differences, perceived slights, past family bullshit, etc.

    • PDQ thanks so much for the kind words they are a comfort. My Mom is relatively healthy (she has very mild diabetes that is under control). She will be 73 this year. She is very active and volunteers, including working with an organization that helps women who are HIV positive. Now that my stepfather has died she plans and she is no longer focused on his care she wants to do things she used to do, such as returning to her water aerobics class. Her only faults is that she tends to be high strung but I am learning to be more patient and let her express herself. Plus she is bossy like most parents. I have an older brother who has not been in contact with the family for years so her care will be solely up to me. I don’t want to swoop in and control her life but just be there. I already phone her every 3 days or so but now I will plan regular visits. Any advice from my readers on relations with older parents would be welcome!

  2. My condolences to you & all of yours. I know the feeling all too well. Please know that time will heal all your griefs & sorrows.
    Be blessed in love, light & peace ✌🏾

  3. My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in the late 90’s. I was living out of state…but decided to take an ‘early out’ to come home and help my mother with his care. He passed in 2007. My mother was in pretty good health until about a year ago. I live 65 miles from her now…but I go home often and do what needs to be done. She is blessed with some great nieces and nephews and other family members. She is 87 years old. I have other siblings, and they all help out.
    She still drives to church and to the grocery store. (look out)

    My condolences to you and your family!!

  4. God bless you and Van…. Your heart is in the right place because elder parents still try to protect us. She will really appreciate you checking in on her more often. She’s also compassionate enough to know that you are many miles from her and making that trip on the regular bases and working too will be a big strain on you….. Your mother is still here and that’s a blessing. I lost mine in 2007….. Will text you later in the week to check on you. Praying you have a safe trip back home….
    P.S. You from South Carolina? If so, that explains a lot.. I hear a lot of good thing about country boys lol

    • Marcus thanks so much. Look forward to hearing from you. I’m not from South Carolina but my maternal roots are there and a lot of my upbringing reflects the culture there, which is a good and a bad thing lol.

  5. My heart and thoughts to you, brother. I lost my father a few years ago (lived long enough to just barely see a black man take the Oval Office). I check on moms frequently; if you can, make it a regular travel routine (i.e. try to get back once a month or whatever frequency you are able to accommodate). And when you can’t be there physically, just remember the words of actor J.K. Simmons “If you’re lucky enough to have a parent or two alive on this planet, call ‘em. Don’t text. Don’t email. Call them on the phone. Tell ‘em you love ‘em, and thank them, and listen to them for as long as they want to talk to you.” Our younger lives were about the quantity of days. Now we live for the quality of them.

  6. My condolences to you Immanuel. I am glad that your stepfather did not pass with any unresolved or bitter feelings between you and him. It is very hard to lose a parent or step parent so allow yourself time to grieve and reflect on the man he was.

  7. Sorry for your loss Immanuel, its great that you have the support from your mother and I’m sure you and your partner Van will be a blessing to her in times, my mother also is a advocate and she is retired and doing great, love her a lot.

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