When is it okay to step out?


Gay couple Octavius Terry and Jamal Sims. Photo courtesy of Youtube.

“Javier” is a handsome, 40-something man from Venezuela who sports a closely cropped beard.

He looks like all parts of the world rolled into one – Africa, Latino and European.

Javier loves black men above all others and has been in a relationship with “Raoul” for 14 years.

They own a home in a desirable Northeast Washington. D.C. neighborhood and enjoy a wide circle of friends.

But there is a problem. Raoul’s big black dick, which Javier adores, just isn’t getting hard. They haven’t had sex in months and when they did last the experience was just “meh.”

They don’t talk about it. Javier loves Raoul and they have so much time and money invested in each other he is loathe to separate.

And they still enjoy each other’s companionship.

So Javier slips out, taking off work early so he can get dick. The bigger and blacker the better.

“I do it for my sanity but I don’t know how long this situation can go in,” he says.

Another acquaintance named “Ryan” has been in a relationship and married to his man for 20 years. But his partner is overcoming prostate cancer and is having erectile problems.

Ryan loves him but damn a gay man has to have dick and ass sometimes. So he will say he is having a night out and visit the Crew Club, or The Eagle or Glorious Healthclub in D.C. and suck dick to his heart’s content.

Many gay men want monogamy and that one guy to fulfill their dreams. But relationships can be hard and require give and take and understanding and turning a blind eye from time to time.

I don’t think many people realize this.

Ryan thinks his partner knows he steps out but understands. Javier thinks his dude may be fucking around which is why his dick won’t get hard.

Since having an openly open relationship is out of the question for both – Javier said his dude is possessive and Ryan doesn’t want to crush his man’s ego – it seems things will remain as they are.

I’m not one to judge. This is reality for many gay men.

Q: Readers what do you think?

18 thoughts on “When is it okay to step out?

  1. It’s soooo much to say about this issue in male on male relationships, I went from an open relationship that was messy as fuck, to one were one is somewhat possessive yet there is a sense of security , but doesn’t wanna solidify the relationship sexually, at least not on a consistent basis, wtf? Yea it’s hard because there is sooo much eye.candy out here makes you say hmmm? There is always a double standard.. Idk?

    • Male gay relationships differ. Often there is a more permissive, accepting atitude toward sex with others. Cheating is usually a much more serious thing among straights.

  2. A couple that plays together stays together, as long as there are boundaries.Plus who said that we as gay males are suppose to observe the religious definition of monagamy as a blueprint to our relationships in the first place.

    Just Saying.

    • Gimme life is not a fairy take, live happy ever after. Every relationship has ups and downs. Just make sure there are more ups than downs to make it worth while. And the challenges in life are why we are here…to live, love and learn.

  3. To me, it’s not “stepping out” if the relationship parameters are articulated from jump street. The problem with these couples is the deception and lying, not the sex on the side. Seems like some couple counseling is needed. I know there are LGBT therapists who deal with these kinds of issues all the time. We’re all going to have medical and other issues as we age and these need to be dealt with maturely and realistically and incorporated in the relationship. I personally hate deception and lies. If this were me, I wouldn’t expect my partner to stop being a real, sexual human being with needs, if my medical circumstances changed and vice versa. I know it’s easier said than done, but Ryan and Javier need to man up and deal in truth. Maybe the relationships could be opened up and saved. Maybe they can’t be made open and should be ended. Either way, you don’t know until you truthfully face the issues.

    • Rico great comment and very true. It’s just that many men just don’t like being open and honest and just go out on the side to get satsfaction. I also know some couples that have a don’t ask, don’t tell and would prefer not to know what the other is doing.

      • I could deal with don’t ask, don’t tell as far as not needing activity details, but the possibility of introducing STDs, to me, means you still gotta have a little bit of convo. I wish them the best, especially with the health issues. Guys, gay or straight, usually have to be dragged to medical and mental health professionals, it’s an uphill battle. You definitely need to have a medical doctor that is gay or an LGBT ally. So, they should seek help but seek the RIGHT help. On another note, is it ok if I email you? I’ll be at an event in your area this summer and I’d like to get your feedback on the cultural environment.

    • In total agreement with Rico. The Secrets Will Destroy the relationship if it’s not openly discussed. As difficult as it is to disclose to your partner that you strayed from the relationship, which the partner my already know of, it will become a trust issue eventually.

  4. Has Raoul talked to his doctor about his erection issue ? This could be from blood pressure meds, age or something else. Perhaps there’s something the doctor could prescribe to help his anaconda rise to the occasion.

    Unless it’s established as an acceptable activity from the beginning of the relationship, stepping out for sex, in my opinion, puts your relationship on a real slippery slope. Jealousy, insecurity and hurt feelings combined with the possibility of bringing diseases home………yikes!

    Personally, I can’t abide by it and I wouldn’t put my husband through it. It’s not just about one person’s needs. You’re a couple and you should have respect for each other. Your needs as a couple should take precedence.

    • PDQ excellent observations. I don’t know if Raoul has gone to the doctors but I will text and ask. So hold on. Your words about putting a couple’s needs ahead of your own sounds,good in practice but when a person us horny and not getting it at home that’s easier said than done. I was in a similar situation with my ex who refused to even discuss the issue. That was very demeaning and frustrating.

    • Okay PDQ I just texted Javier. He said Raoul has not been to a doctor. He said the issues between them have to deal with intimacy not necessarily sex. When I tried to draw out more he said he would rather talk about it and not text. I apologized for being so intrusive. I’m sure we will talk later
      I can tell this is,really bothering him and I hope I can be helpful. Perhaps when I know more you and other readers can offer words of advice. I think going to a therapist who specializes in gay issues would help.

  5. Having an “open” relationship is out of the question? That’s an odd comment considering a few of these men are having one and just won’t own up to the fact.

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