You can’t fuck


Dude did have a nice booty. Too bad the sex wasn't good.

He had been hitting me up since November, begging for a chance to have a threesome with “Van” and me.

This 29-year-old chocolate drop from Georgia. Six feet one with a booty plumper than a Thanksgiving turkey.

So Sunday I relented and invited him over for some late afternoon play.

I should have known it was going to be a dud. It took him forever to warm up —  he smoked weed for damn near an hour before we climbed the steps to the bedroom.

“I don’t know if I can take that big dick,” he said, his eyes squinting because he was so high.

“Don’t worry it won’t hurt you,” I said.

But his sexual technique was lame. He mostly let us do the work, laying on his back while Van licked one nipple and I lapped the other.

And when it came time to fuck and I bent him over doggystyle and tried to slide my dick in slowly it was hard going.

Whenever I tried to get a decent stroke going he straightened up and made me stop, claiming he was in too much pain.

Finally things just came to a halt.

“You can’t fuck me like that with that 12-inch dick.”

What, I thought? My dick isn’t 12 inches.

And he went downstairs and quickly dressed and left. Didn’t even say bye.

“He was tired,” Van said. “Plus he had hemorrhoids which is why he couldn’t take dick.”

“Yeah, you’re right his asshole was all lumpy,” I said.

And we chuckled and forgot about it.

But a day or two later I said an online hello to the Georgia dud and mentioned the encounter was strange.

And he went ham on me.

“You can’t fuck worth a shit,” he said. “You just tried to push up in me all quick. As old as your ass is you should know how to fuck better ”

Wow. No one has ever said I couldn’t fuck well before. This was a new one.

And he was the one who kept saying for months he wanted a big dick and could he come over. I didn’t go after him.

“Nah son the problem is you just can’t take dick,” I responded.

I almost started going in on him about his rampant case of hemorrhoids but then I thought better.

I clicked a button and blocked him.

Q: Readers has sex with someone you thought would be hot turn out disappointing?

25 thoughts on “You can’t fuck

  1. Wow that was interesting seems like that was about him that’s been pounded way too many times. I had a guy tell me I couldn’t fuck, but the bastard never stayed hard long enough. I guess that’s what’s happening now with a lot of dudes especially guys that do drugs

  2. Yep

    I feel safe in saying 60 to 70%, of my sexual experiences has left me disappointed. There was the time, I thought I was meeting a former football player; and who I met was a guy returning from his dress rehearsal as “Rerun,” in the made for television movie, “What Happened…the Untold Story of What’s Happening? and What’s Happening Now?” Then there was the time that a guy, who I had been messing around with, for close to a year; told me that I could finally get them draws. He told me that weed opens him up, like I have never seen. Right when my head is about to enter his gates, he informed me to be gentle, it had been awhile for him. Not since he was 7 years old, when his mother’s boyfriend, use to have sex with him. Let me tell you, nothing but good times, after that revelation. How about one of my more recent good times, when a guy passed out, with my dick in his mouth, because he roofied his own self. These experiences, are just a drop in the bucket. So I hope you don’t take it too personal, when I walk to center stage, and serenade you with, “Woe is me,” on my violin, just for you.

    Here is my real concern, didn’t know you could get hemorrhoids under 40, let alone under 30, unless you were pregnant. I had to Google, how does that happen. If straining from severe constipation or severe diarrhea is going, why is get dick down, even on the menu?

    • I live for your comments The Blog Artist Formerly Known as YB&DL. That remark about the ex-football player looking like Rerun…priceless. And yes former football players do often let it go. Wow, you’ve had some bad experiences. Somebody passed out with your dick in your mouth. Thank God they didn’t bit down. Oh and I’m not worried by his comments. You reach a certain age and confidence level and you let that pass you by. Also, having anal sex with hemorrhoids is painful and he should have not even attempted until they were healed (see this article: Well, back to work. Take care and have a nice day!

    • Several things can cause hemorrhoids and they can happen WAY under the age of 30 unfortunately.

      1) Straining and pushing too hard when you defecate. This can easily happen with kids who don’t know that trying to force it out can be harmful – and painful! Riding a bike when you have internal or external hemorrhoids is NO fucking fun.
      2) Heavy lifting or holding your breath when lifting heavy objects like furniture. Endurance training and heavy resistance training can also cause hemorrhoids and the odds increase as we get older.
      3) Using a shower shot or clean out type nozzle with the water on at full pressure. You’re not trying to power wash and prep the house for a new coat of paint, okay? You’re just trying to irrigate your ass and get the last of the shit out !!! Use the damn diverter valve and throttle down the water flow! Lastly, don’t strain when the water is coming out. If you feel like there’s still “stuff” up there, keep irrigating until it breaks into smaller pieces and comes out on its own. There are no gold stars awarded for “Fastest Preparation for a Fuck by a Bottom” – just hemorrhoids.
      4) Using toys that are too big, getting fisted, etc.

  3. Should have been me over there I would have shown you and van a great time . If I wanted a chance how would I go about it ?

  4. This may not be a popular comment lls but……I kind of understand lumpy booty. Whats your opinion on Tops thinking sexy has to be hard and hurt? I’ve dealt with tops who think the faster and harder they fuck, the better, which isn’t the case (in my opinion). I’m verse and everytime I fuck with a top, it seems like the goal is pain and not pleasure….they want to jam it in, I got to make sure they lube up lls, etc….but to your point…bottoms that just sit there and do nothing or don’t know what to do with their body during sex are frustrating af

    • Imjustsaying: Thanks for taking time to read my blog and post a comment. Yes! Tops who aren’t sensitive to a bottom’s need suck…and I don’t mean suck dick. However, some bottoms like hard and rough. A good top works that out with his partner. And yes you are right that lazy bottoms are the worst. Search through my blog for the entries T is for Terrible Tops and B is for Bad Bottoms to get more of my take on this.

  5. Yo I can’t fuck no body with hemorrhoids!!!!! I like to eat ass before I fuck. How do you get those on your ass hole??? I met this bottom bul a few weeks ago. Every now and then Ill hop on jacked to get something new then erase my account. This one bul was hitting me like crazy and he wanted me to pop. He looked cute enough on his pics so we exchanged numbers. He sent me a video of him twerking naked. I don’t mind that type shit from niggas behind closed doors. His ass looked fat as fuck on the video and his body looked sexy. I asked him was he fem and he said yeah. Im like cool I just prefer to come to your house or you can catch me on my day off on the late night cause I work overnight. We was going back and forth for a couple weeks and then we finally met. His face pretty much matched the picture but his body and ass did not. I never seen him from the front in his video. He had no ass at all and he was super skinny and that a turn off for me. I like body I don’t like skinny at all but im like fuck it at lease he cute. So we start four play. I told him to sit on my face while he gave me head. His booty hole was loose as fuck so my tongue was going right in. The head was good so I just fingerd him while he top me off cause his ass tasted nasty to me. Once my dick was brick I was ready to fuck and so was he. When I got in his ass just felt loose as fuck. He was going off but it wasn’t turning me on. It was frustrating to because it felt like I was fucking a puddle of water. No friction on my dick. No body to grab on and he got extra extra fem when I started to smash him. I fake came and got dude the fuck out my crib so I can finish the job my self. The shit was wack!!!!

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