Being a Fool for Love


big-men-in-miami

Photo courtesy of msefoundation.org.

Many people think women are the only ones who lose their heads when they fall in love with a man and do stupid things to keep them.

 

Wrong. Some men who love other men do the same things. Love does not discriminate.

Here is a true account to prove the point.

An acquaintance named “Xavier” fell in love with a man 10 years his junior named “Shawn.” They dated and decided to set up house.

Xavier, who was around 40, put his all into the relationship. He had grown up in southern Virginia with his mother and father and a dozen siblings and wanted to duplicate that close familial bond.

Although he earned less than Shawn Xavier had stellar credit. So he used his credit to buy a house with Shawn, a rental property, and a new Escalade for his boo.

And he paid some of Shawn’s student loan bills too.

But in less than three years Shawn started acting funny. He constantly accused Xavier of cheating on him, even timing how long it took Xavier to get home from his night job.

“I know you giving that big, red dick to somebody else,” Shawn accused him. “I know you say you are working at night but you ain’t.”

It got so bad that one day Xavier took the car to the carwash but Shawn didn’t believe him. He showed up the carwash.

“I just wanted to make sure your cheating ass was here,” Shawn said.

But ain’t this a bitch. It was Shawn who was cheating. Giving up ass to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Xavier found out through friends and Shawn promised to stop. But he wouldn’t so they separated then got back together then separated for good.

Xavier moved into the rental property and Shawn took over the house because he earned $30,000 more. But Shawn soon fell behind on mortgage payments and Xavier had to force him to sell it.

Xavier was left with $60,000 in debt, which seven years after the breakup he has just finished paying off. He has hardly any furniture in his house, not even a living room sofa. His 100-year-old rowhouse needs a ton of work.

“My money is just coming back,” he says.

Lately Shawn and Xavier have rekindled their friendship. Xavier says he is no longer in love with him but something in his bittersweet expression when he talks about Shawn shows the feeling is still there.

A few weeks ago Shawn visited and sat on Xavier’s front step and they talked. It was unseasonably warm in Baltimore for a late winter day.

Xavier said it was the first time Shawn owned up to what he did and really apologized.

“I really fucked up,” Shawn admitted. “I’m going to live to regret what I did.”

Q: Readers, has a lover taken advantage of you? How did you recover?

27 thoughts on “Being a Fool for Love

  1. Oh my God – I feel what Xavier’s gone through totally.

    In our case, I was 10 yrs. older and made more money. I owned a condo of my own. I did NOT buy my ex a car. But the unending allegations of cheating – THAT I totally remember. He was SO insecure and I firmly believe he was accusing me of cheating (I wasn’t) to try to keep me off balance and on the defensive. I am 99% certain HE was cheating and I feel pretty confident that he had developed a drug problem too, although he was really good at hiding it and I was living in denial.

    My solution? I dumped his ass finally – much to the relief of my friends and family who couldn’t stand the SOB. Then, while doing a little “online browsing” on a gay site I met a man and we agreed to hook up and f*ck. That was in 2002, just two months after I broke up with the ex. That hook up and I are now married and very, very happy. And yes, I do realize that this is the exception, not the rule.

    The ex ? I used to Google him once a year to see what he was up to – hoping that he had finally achieved happiness and prosperity in his life. It took my breath away last year (literally) when I Googled him and found his obituary. He was only 43. A friend of his said he had died of a heart attack. His mother took his remains back to Mississippi from Los Angeles – back to the place where his parents came from, but where no one who knew him lives anymore. She dumped him in the ground and will probably never go back. Cold hearted bitch………

    Regarding Xavier, I would remind him that a leopard can’t change his spots. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If Shawn can worm his way back into Xavier’s heart, he will cheat again.

    • Wow glad you got rid of the ex and found happiness but sad he died so young. Yeah I tried to fix Xavier up on a date but he didn’t find the guy attractive. Hopefully he will get out more but when you’ve been burnt like that it’s hard to trust again.

  2. Nice post Immanuel. All love is a risk. You take a chance and hope for the best. This story of two men who find each other, share a home, and expenses will perhaps become more common in this new era of legal, same sex marriage. With many men in relationship there is the issue of power, control and sexual satisfaction – which is what most men want, yes? What a man is not getting at home he will ‘get out in the street ( outside the relationship). Right or wrong. A smart man who is thinking ahead will keep some money separate and exclusive should the relationship go sour. An escape fund. Or we gay men could all just wait before a relationship becomes official and learn more about the person we are dating, to find out attitudes about open relationships, sex outside the relationship, money, spending habits, etc. Any other ideas, folks?

    • Nuce comment anonymous. I think waiting and getting to know a person is best. A lot of guys move too fast. Another thing I learned is be honest. If you would do better in an open relationship don’t fake that you can be exclusive.

      • I think that the ‘moving fast’ at is root is a desire to be rid of being single and alone and loneliness. Men, as humans, need companionship. It is a basic, very normal, very ‘human’ need. But in some cases, when two men come together there is a jockeying for “Who’s in charge, here?’ and the subsequent butting heads. It is natural for a man to want to lead and take a leadership role in a relationship. The clashing and fighting may be the product of establishing Dominance. After all, we’re men.
        Too, when you meet a man you need to realize he is a product of his whole personal history, his family, his childhood, the things and people who have helped him and hurt him through his life, his mistakes. It takes time to learn about this and our humanness and human need for companionship will make us jump over the part where we take a fair amount of time to learn about someone else.
        Trust is something that one shows they are worthy of being given over a time.
        In this new era of legal, same sex marriage, a code needs to be develop where we gay men learn to date, court, listen, talk and see if something can develop, nurture and sustain two guys, when they meet. There is no roadmap for this, but perhaps true, genuine compatibility is the only starting point.

      • Thanks for the comment. Very thoughtful. I think there are many gay men who know how to date. I know lots of men in long term supportive relationships.

      • THIS! Men (and women) often move too fast. Although a loving relationship takes work to maintain, it is NOT a job.

        What do I mean when I say that? I mean that you can search for a job but you cannot search for love. It doesn’t work like that.

        Trust me on this! If it’s truly LOVE, it will smack you upside the head when you least expect it and when you aren’t looking for it. Don’t settle for anything less than true love or you will most certainly get hurt down the road.

  3. I dated a guy for three years on and off. He was extremely jealous and insecure. Mainly jealous of my ex girlfriend. He would threaten to reveal to her our relationship every time I threatened to leave him. Once, blackmailing me for 600 bucks. I stayed. I moved in with him in Chicago and the shit hit the fan. He was now a heavy drinker and accusations of me cheating became commonplace. It was he who was actually cheating, I realized he had given me chlamydia. It all came to a head when he tried to choke me in my sleep. So I beat his ass. He called the cops. I left that night. Two weeks later he outed me to my ex and many other friends. As much as it hurt, he didn’t have that to hold over me anymore. I got a restraining order against him and left Chicago a year later. I haven’t seen or heard from him in years and he has reached out to me with a ridiculous email on love and how my actions lead to him doing what he did. I know he’s back in NY and it’s been five years, but I don’t know if I have forgiven him or if I’ll lay into that ass if I ever see him. Que cera cera. You live and learn.

    • Mac wow sorry that happened to you. That guy was manipulative and mean spirited. The fact he continues to blame you for his actions is very telling.im proud of you for taking the steps – moving out and restraining order – to get rid of him. The best revenge is to live well. Keep doing that.

  4. This is a FANTASTIC blog!!! Just stumbled across it this weekend and I spent hours yesterday reading some of the older posts! Love the honesty and integrity!

    • Wow, it’s a rainy, drizzling, chilly morning here in the DMV and your comments made my day warm. Thanks so much and please continue to follow me. Have a great day! Immanuel

  5. I found myself in a situation where my kindness and compassion for people, was taken advantage of by an older man. He was very attractive and seemed like he had it altogether, but in the infamous words of Maury “The lie dector determined, that was a lie!” After years of trying to convince myself this would mature into a loving romantic relationship, I was provided information that I couldn’t turn a blind eye too. And of course, when I rain it poured and more and more information became available to me that revealed this man was nothing like I believed him to be. Though our exchange was more like an altercation, it forced him to finally be honest about his feelings (or lack there of) for me. Our relationship was never sexual, thank God, but it was certainly emotional because we were there for one another during some rough patches in life. We stopped talking after 3 years pretty cold turkey and I’ve only run into him once since then. He’s since apologized for his behavior which I have accepted, but I don’t foresee us being friends anytime soon. The most valuable lesson I learned is it’s never okay to accept less from someone you love than you would from any other person. It’s not enough for them to just be around, they need to add something to your life or else you’ll find yourself being drained emotionally and spiritually. The second most important thing I’ve learned is forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself for blindly believing and ignoring things that should have been brought into question and I’ve forgiven him. I still want him to win in life because everyone deserves to win. Lastly, I’ve learned to trust my instincts and to be more discerning about behaviors that just don’t add up. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything because it has certainly made me better in more areas than I can enumerate in this post.

  6. Great Post. I must admit, I’ve been a fool for love. I just released myself from a situation in August and much to my chagrin I feel very damn happy. The bastard didn’t love me but only loved the dick and what I could do for him. Needless to say I’ve learned it only takes saying “no” one time to see true colors come out.

  7. Oh wow, this speaks so much truth. I’ve been through this and it’s hard as hell when you don’t see what everyone else sees. I was crazy in love. He was sexy as fk, and I lost my mind buying he’s azz everything, but never getting the respect back, then finally I met this other guy totally the opposite, but my azz was so mean to him because I wanted him to be the first guy, finally I woke up and was tired of being just a booty call, there was always gonna be someone else, he was harder to kick then a drug addiction, but I finally got this guy out if my system and I am open to new love.

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