Joining Forces

Photo courtesy of

Photo courtesy of

Well, it’s official. My partner “Van” has sold his home and has moved in with me.

He is always at my house anyway so it’s merely a formality.

So far we seem to blend. His furniture is fitting in perfectly, just like it was meant to be in my home.

I love to cook, and he loves to eat. He likes to clean the kitchen while I prefer puttering around in my garden. So there is already a division of labor.

We even got a kitten — a rambunctious female orange tabby who loves to pounce on and bite our arms, legs and feet in the middle of the night. So you see we are gay men but we still like having some pussy around.

Still this is a major step. Will we get on each other’s nerves?

Van is a part of my household now – my home is now his home. When friends and family come by he will be there and I will have to explain who he is. And no I won’t say just my roommate.

So I’m taking another step out of the closet.


My Advice to Yusaf Mack

Yusaf Mack. Photo courtesy of

Yusaf Mack. Photo courtesy of

Okay, I’m sure you have heard it now. The story of Yusaf Mack, a professional boxer who did a threesome gay sex scene for but claimed he was drugged and wasn’t aware of what he was doing.

Yeah. right.

The story has gone everywhere. It’s on one of my favorite blogs, on, the New York Daily News and on the gay news website Queerty.

Mack, 35, who had an impressive boxing record of 31 wins (17 by knockout) is clearly lying. I’m going to say it. He doesn’t look drugged in the video. He sucked dick like a champ and got fucked like a champ too.

“That’s all you got? Come on. Come on,” he says while getting fucked by Bamm Bamm in this clip.


Mack, who goes by the porn star name "Philly," bottoming for Bamm Bamm. Screen short courtesy of Mack, who goes by the porn star name “Philly,” bottoming for Bamm Bamm. Screen short courtesy of]

Mack reportedly has 10 kids. I’m not surprised. Many gay and bisexual men, including myself, have children.

Shoot, I know a masculine bottom who works as an auto mechanic who has four children by four different women. He said he kept having babies to prove to himself and everyone that he was straight but each time a baby popped out he would go back to men.

Mack is clearly in the same boat although the Tweets he has favorited show a man who is probably bisexual.

At 35 his boxing career is probably over and with 10 kids and numerous baby mamas on his back I’m sure money is tight. So I understand him doing porn to make ends meet. But don’t blame the porn shoot on a roofie and vodka.

And all is not lost. Mack really has a lot of options. Here is my advice on how he should handle this situation:

  1. Don’t be ashamed. Everybody does stuff in their lives they don’t want folks to know about. And everybody is having sex in various permutations although most of us ain’t filming it.
  2. Fess up and confess you are gay or bisexual. Today this really isn’t such a big deal.
  3. Go on television news and do a mea culpa. Say  you were embarrassed your porn acting past caught up with you and that you are now going into counseling to figure yourself out. Then disappear for a minute but not too long.
  4. Enlist an agent, a publicist and a good lawyer and start turning lemons into lemonade.
  5. Do the Wendy Williams Show, The Tom Joyner Morning Show and the Steve Harvey Show. If you feel noble use that platform to promote better understanding of LGBT people in the Black community.
  6. If you want, resurface as porn actor. The fact you are a professional boxer will give you more cachet. You can demand more  money for your scenes or work for predominately white porn studios such as Randy Blue. Or launch your own pay-per-view adult website.
  7. Go to the West Coast and become a personal trainer/escort. The gay men out there will eat you alive and you might be able to live decently as a kept man for a few years or until you turn 40, whichever comes first.
  8. If you don’t want to do porn or escort consider partnering with an LGBT organization (Human Rights Campaign, Gay Olympics etc.) to go on lecture tours to talk about your experiences. Believe me you will attract crowds.
  9. Write a book. Spice things up by saying there are other DL boxers you know but you can’t say their names. Your book will sell like hotcakes.
  10. Pitch a reality show. Enlist your baby mamas to come on and create fake drama. “I didn’t know you was no faggot! How could you do this to me!” The ratings will be good, you will make some bank, and your 15 minutes of fame will last a few minutes longer.
  11. Consider turning your story into a film. Find an independent filmmaker to do it and go on the film festival circuit promoting your story.
  12. Go back to school. Learn a trade. Try to be the best father you can to your children.


The Gangbang Theory

Gangbangs are a popular category in gay porn. Often it's the stereotypical set-up of a white bottom being ravaged by a room of big-dicked black men. Photo courtesy of

Gangbangs are a popular category in gay porn. Often it’s the stereotypical set-up of a white bottom being ravaged by a room of big-dicked black men. Photo courtesy of

An acquaintance in Virginia hit me up Sunday and asked when “Van” and I would have our next sex party.

“I don’t know. We don’t really plan them too often,” I answered.

“Well, let me know,” he texted back. “The next time you have one I want to drive up from Alexandria and get gangbanged.”

That comment put me in a strange place. Like I’m supposed to have a sex party just to fulfill his fantasy?

“Hey I can’t control what people do at parties – the sex just kinda flows,” I answered. “If you want a gangbang I suggest you save up and hire two escorts to do that. But have a friend join you to make sure you are safe. I know guys who do that.”

He didn’t answer.

People ask me to arrange gangbangs for them all the time. Like I can just wave a magic wand and turn a pumpkin into a coach, hook Cinderella up with a ball gown and glass slippers, and make a roomful of big dick tops ready to fuck appear.

The thing that gets me about these requests is that most guys who ask for it are not in the best shape or the most attractive, including the man from Virginia.

The question got me so peeved that I texted my buddy “Freddy” (read more about him in “Never Bite the Ass or Dick that Feeds You”). I asked him if bottoms also hit him up and asked him to set up gangbangs. And Freddy said yes they do.

In fact, he has arranged for bottoms to take on three or four tops but he makes sure the bottom is attractive and that he has had sex with them to make sure they can take dick. Because there is nothing worse than to bring a bunch of horny tops over and the bottom can’t take dick — it’s a real mood killer.

This whole question of gangbangs got me curious so Sunday afternoon while I watched football (did you see that Redskins versus Tampa Bay game?I) I Googled the psychology behind them to find out why some gay men crave gangbangs. Here is what I learned:

  • Many men and women fantasize about giving up control and letting someone else take the reins, particularly people who have demanding, high pressure careers where they have to manage others or people who have a lot of familial responsibilities. I notice many of the men who request gangbangs are professionals.
  • Rape is a common fantasy for women and men. Some people get an adrenaline rush from the thought of being overpowered or in danger. Add sex to that feeling and it can become downright intoxicating for some people.
  • Some white men get aroused by giving up control to a person of color. This is still a taboo act for some. The act can allow them to work out guilt about racist feelings or fulfill the stereotypical, racist fantasy of being taken by big-dicked black “mandingos.”
  • Being the sole bottom in a group of men can make a man feel extra desirable and boost self-esteem. All those dicks in the room are hard because of you. Everybody wants to fuck you. You become the center of attention. Notice when men advertise for gangbangs on hookup websites that they stipulate that no verse or bottom men join. That’s because they want no competition.
  • For those into raw sex having men ejaculate into them can be very arousing. Some men get off on the look, smell, taste and feel of nutt while others feel that having another man ejaculate into them is the ultimate form of male bonding.
  • Laziness. Face it — there are some men who don’t want to do a lot of work sexually, such as foreplay. They just want to lay on their back or stomach, put that ass up and get fucked and done.

Freddy, another buddy named “Everett” and I agreed that doing gang bangs can be boring if you are one of the tops. Like, who wants to stand around jacking off waiting to get used ass.

Everett told me the story of how a bottom guy arranged for multiple tops to come in and fuck him at a downtown Baltimore hotel.

“I went and fucked the guy but it wasn’t great at all,” Everett said. “His ass was loose — no walls — and the guy really wasn’t that nice looking. But the top that fucked him and was leaving when I walked in — now that brother was fine!”

Readers, how do you feel about gangbangs? Have you participated in one as a top or bottom? What was it like?




Reader Question Follow-Up: Dominican Man Needs Additional Info

I received a question from a reader in the Dominican Republic about dating and relationships. I answered and he sent these follow-up questions:

Q: I felt honored and surprised because you used my history for your blog. Thanks a lot for your advice. I would like to ask you a few more questions if you don’t mind. Do you know of any good websites with information regarding gay dating? Do you know any website with tips for becoming a better lover? Since you have a lot of experience and you have met lots of gay men. Do you think most gay men are only into sex?

By the way. I know that in my country there are some gay bars and discos and in fact I know their location, but I don’t feel ready to step on one of them. I hope you are doing great.

A: Good to hear from you and I’m well!

Book cover

Book cover

Are gay men just into sex? Dude, men (straight, bisexual, gay) tend to be more sexual. But there are many men who desire relationships. Some gay couples practice monogamy while others have open relations.

If you want to improve your sexual knowledge I strongly recommend “The Joy of Gay Sex”. It will teach you everything you need to know about sexual positions, gay sexual subcultures, cruising, clubs, relationships, twinks, bears and on and on! I downloaded it on Kindle and refer to it from time to time.
Another great book is The Male Couple. It is a must read. It was done after months of research by a gay male couple who were a social worker and medical doctor. It tells readers why male-to-male relationships differ from straight and lesbian relationships and how to make them work. It addresses the stages of relationships, everyday life in a relationship, and sexuality.
Book cover

Book cover

Here is a list of websites targeted at gay DATING, not sexual hookups! Who knows, you may find someone from the Dominican Republic on these sites. But use them with caution and be careful and safe.

And glad to know you know where there are gay friendly social venues in the Dominican Republic. If you decide to visit one, fine. If you decide to never go that is fine too. It is up to you. Live your life and express your wonderful sexuality how you wish!

Reader Question: I’m in the closet in a conservative Caribbean nation? Should a pursue this long-distance relationship?

Revellers at Gay Pride in Santo Domingo. Photo of

Revellers at Gay Pride in Santo Domingo. Photo of


Q: First at all, I am a fan of your blog, I have learned so many things reading it. I will start by saying that I live in the Dominican Republic and Spanish is my mother language. I am 30 years old. I am a teacher at a public high school. I am deeply in the closet. In fact, I would say that I just admitted very recently to myself that I am gay (maybe a small bit bisexual). I will share my history with you.

I was raised by a very traditional family. Most of my family members are Jehovah’s Witnesses. I was very active in the congregation since I was very little, all my life, the congregation was the center of everything for me.
Since my earliest memories I always knew I was different, to make things short, When i was 21 I became an atheist and at age 25 I started looking for meeting other men in the Internet. I was too picky because I wanted somebody for a relationship not only for sex.
I had my first experience a month before turning 28 with a 19-year-old man with whom I started a relationship. Briefly after that I broke up because I didn’t feel in love and I didn’t really like the sex (it was only oral).
After I went through a period of negation of my feelings and a brief depression. This year I had an experience that I really liked with a person with whom I was supposed to start a relationship, but it didn’t work out, I guess he only wanted me for the sex. After that point i realized that I was gay.
Recently I started a distance relationship with someone who is great, but who lies sometimes, I think he loves me, but he lies in small things, like if he were afraid of losing me or making me sad. I don’t know what to do.
Should I leave him?
Should I stay with him only as a friend with benefits?
Am I right looking for a relationship or should I just have fun and the right one will show up?
By the way, I am a virgin top in the sense that I haven’t inserted my penis in no anus yet. But I enjoy a lot role play, rimming, sucking, nipple play, etc. So, I am barely experienced.
I wish you could tell me about how to handle gay men, I think that from all the types you have described, I am the freak with a heart of gold, with the exception, that I might not be a freak, (maybe I am, I just need to let go of a bit of fear, hehehe)
Thanks for reading, can’t wait for your advice.
A: Thanks so much for contacting me and thanks for reading my blog. I really appreciate that.
Coming out and learning to cope with being gay and forming relationships is not a one-size-fits-all thing. You have to do it at a pace in which you feel comfortable. Because ultimately it’s all about you and your comfort zone.
Still, as regards pursuing a relationship I would put brakes on. Don’t stop. Just slow down. Don’t rush it. You are young and still trying to come to terms with your sexuality, your sexual wants and needs, and being in the closet. And conducting long-distance relationships can be difficult.
Of course keep this person as a friend. Just take it easy. Listen to your intuition (you said he lies about things — that could be a warning sign). See what type of character he ultimately unveils. Remember action speaks louder than words. And listen to what he is saying to you with your head — not your heart or sexual organs — because men often tell you exactly where they are coming from but folks don’t want to listen.
Then decide whether he is worth your time and whether a deeper relationship is in the works.
In the meantime read some good books on being gay. Don’t worry about folks getting in your business by seeing you read a gay book. If you have a smart phone or tablet you can read them right on the device. There are also several websites that can help you (besides of course LOL).
I know some gay American men who visit the Dominican Republic to get cheap, easy sex. And let’s be honest — Dominican, Haitian and Puerto Rican men can be hot.
But being gay in the Dominican Republic is tougher than in the United States.There is no law against homosexual acts but LGBT do not have protection from discrimination. They can lose jobs or be denied housing with no legal recourse. In fact, I heard the Dominican Republic even bars gay people from being in the military or on the police (Yeah right. I wonder how that is working out for them).
The Dominican Republic is also a very conservative, Catholic country — I was reading a Cardinal  got the police to close down several gay clubs in 2006. Hope the situation is better but I understand your reasons for being in the closet, particularly since you work with young people.
As far as learning to handle gay men that’s not easy to answer. Every man and woman is different. Just treat everyone with respect and honesty unless they show you they are not worthy of that. And be yourself. It’s really that easy.

Well, good luck to you and stay in touch. I will share your letter on the blog (without using your name of course). Some of my readers may have good advice (I learn from them all the time) so please read the comments to see what they say.

Take care and nothing but the best for you.
Immanuel at