I’ve experienced a lot of sex and it seems bad lovers fall into certain types. Here are my eight:
The Energizer Bunny
This man confuses being energetic with being passionate. The two are not the same. He does everything too hard. He kisses too hard, and often sloppily. He grabs you too hard, sometimes causing pain or leaving bruises. He sucks your dick too hard, leaving it sore. If he is topping he thrusts too fast and too hard, never changing rhythm. Or if he is bottoming he prefers to ride on top, bouncing up and down willy nilly. Be careful. He might break your dick.
He orders you around. Whether top or bottom he tells you what sexual positions to assume. How to kiss him. How slow or fast you must fuck. Sex must be at his place because he doesn’t travel out and likes to set the environment where the sex act will happen. He can only have sex at 9:30 p.m. on Saturday because that is his only available time slot — he has a busy work and gym schedule and Friday is out because he had to attend a charity fundraiser. You must wear the type of underwear or costume or leather gear he likes or be of a particular body type or race.
The Drug Head
He must have weed or alcohol or methamphetamine or poppers to enjoy sex. The weed can be okay because it can make him extra horny and willing to do things he wouldn’t normally do. But unless you get high too it’s boring sitting around naked waiting for him to go through the ritual of rolling the joint and smoking at least two and having three or four shots of vodka and cranberry juice before he is ready to get down to business two hours later. A little popper use is okay but he over does it. The fumes give you a headache or he passes out when he inhales too much, prompting you to call 9-11. If he uses T and you do not also indulge get ready for some weird sex. He will babble about everything that comes across his mind from A to Z, fuck furiously for a few minutes, and stop and talk some more. His mouth will get dry and have crusty, dried saliva in the corners and his dick will barely get hard.
He MUST have porn playing to get in the mood. While you are having sex he may top you in the doggy style position or bottom while riding you. You will look up and notice he is staring at the flat screen or lap top and not at you, matching his thrusts with the actor’s. Because he is really fantasizing he is in the movie fucking XL or Jerry Stearns. You are just a prop.
The Movie Producer
He MUST record and video everything or broadcast on OoVoo. Why? Is he trying to record it for posterity? Share with his friends? Live out his porn star fantasy? He is constantly directing the scene because you are not having sex with each other — you are showing off for an audience. “Hey baby, turn your ass this way so they can see my dick going in.” “Wait, we gotta stop fucking a minute. I have to change the camera position so they can see my ass bounce on your dick.” Hey, this scene can be fun if you are into that but be sure you don’t show your face because you will be surprised where that video shows up.
All week he seduces you by phone and text. He is going to turn you out. You are going to have the best sex in the universe. He is going to suck that dick, eat that ass, fuck that booty, or throw some ass like it has never been sucked, eaten, fucked or thrown before. The anticipation builds. You can’t wait to meet. And then when you meet and have sex his talking continues, in a voice he thinks is low and sexy but really sounds creepy. “Isn’t this dick good?” “Isn’t this ass sweet?” And the sex is…terrible. Blah. Blah. Blah. Shut up and wake me when you are done.
The Selfish One
You have to do everything. You have to suck that dick and get it hard. You have to eat that ass and get it wet. He barely kisses you — just a peck. And lays back and lets you do everything. If you are topping him you have to spread his legs and put a pillow under his ass to get him in the right position — he is not going to move a muscle to help. And if he is topping you have to get onboard and ride him. Or if he does take an active role fucking he cums too quickly and jumps up and dresses and leaves or turns over and snores. You know you can do better than this, right?
He has to have sex in groups of three or more. The thought of having multiple dicks or asses at his disposable, or being able to watch you having sex with others, is irresistible. “Hey baby, do you have any friends? Can you call them up and get them over? Make sure they are tall, dark-skinned tops with big dicks, okay?” He makes you feel more like his pimp than his lover.
Okay readers, what types of bad lovers do you know? Leave a comment!