The 8 Worst Types of Lovers


 

I’ve experienced a lot of sex and it seems bad lovers fall into certain types. Here are my eight:

The Energizer Bunny

energizer bunnyThis man confuses being energetic with being passionate. The two are not the same. He does everything too hard. He kisses too hard, and often sloppily. He grabs you too hard, sometimes causing pain or leaving bruises. He sucks your dick too hard, leaving it sore. If he is topping he thrusts too fast and too hard, never changing rhythm. Or if he is bottoming he prefers to ride on top, bouncing up and down willy nilly. Be careful. He might break your dick.

control freakThe Control Freak

He orders you around. Whether top or bottom he tells you what sexual positions to assume. How to kiss him. How slow or fast you must fuck. Sex must be at his place because he doesn’t travel out and likes to set the environment where the sex act will happen. He can only have sex at 9:30 p.m. on Saturday because that is his only available time slot — he has a busy work and gym schedule and Friday is out because he had to attend a charity fundraiser. You must wear the type of underwear or costume or leather gear he likes or be of a particular body type or race.

The Drug Head

meth headHe must have weed or alcohol or methamphetamine or poppers to enjoy sex. The weed can be okay because it can make him extra horny and willing to do things he wouldn’t normally do. But unless you get high too it’s boring sitting around naked waiting for him to go through the ritual of rolling the joint and smoking at least two and having three or four shots of vodka and cranberry juice before he is ready to get down to business two hours later. A little popper use is okay but he over does it. The fumes give you a headache or he passes out when he inhales too much, prompting you to call 9-11. If he uses T and you do not also indulge get ready for some weird sex. He will babble about everything that comes across his mind from A to Z, fuck furiously for a few minutes, and stop and talk some more. His mouth will get dry and have crusty, dried saliva in the corners and his dick will barely get hard.

gay pornThe Porn Addict

He MUST have porn playing to get in the mood. While you are having sex he may top you in the doggy style position or bottom while riding you. You will look up and notice he is staring at the flat screen or lap top and not at you, matching his thrusts with the actor’s.  Because he is really fantasizing he is in the movie fucking XL or Jerry Stearns. You are just a prop.

The Movie Producer

directorHe MUST record and video everything or broadcast on OoVoo. Why? Is he trying to record it for posterity? Share with his friends? Live out his porn star fantasy? He is constantly directing the scene because you are not having sex with each other — you are showing off for an audience. “Hey baby, turn your ass this way so they can see my dick going in.” “Wait, we gotta stop fucking a minute. I have to change the camera position so they can see my ass bounce on  your dick.” Hey, this scene can be fun if you are into that but be sure you don’t show your face because you will be surprised where that video shows up.

blahThe Talker

All week he seduces you by phone and text. He is going to turn you out. You are going to have the best sex in the universe. He is going to suck that dick, eat that ass, fuck that booty, or throw some ass like it has never been sucked, eaten, fucked or thrown before. The anticipation builds. You can’t wait to meet. And then when you meet and have sex his talking continues, in a voice he thinks is low and sexy but really sounds creepy. “Isn’t this dick good?” “Isn’t this ass sweet?” And the sex is…terrible. Blah. Blah. Blah. Shut up and wake me when you are done.

The Selfish One

selfishYou have to do everything. You have to suck that dick and get it hard. You have to eat that ass and get it wet. He barely kisses you — just a peck. And lays back and lets you do everything. If you are topping him you have to spread his legs and put a pillow under his ass to get him in the right position — he is not going to move a muscle to help. And if he is topping you have to get onboard and ride him. Or if he does take an active role fucking he cums too quickly and jumps up and dresses and leaves or turns over and snores. You know you can do better than this, right?

groupieThe Groupie

He has to have sex in groups of three or more. The thought of having multiple dicks or asses at his disposable, or being able to watch you having sex with others, is irresistible. “Hey baby, do you have any friends? Can you call them up and get them over? Make sure they are tall, dark-skinned tops with big dicks, okay?” He makes you feel more like his pimp than his lover.

Okay readers, what types of bad lovers do you know? Leave a comment!

 

 

 

25 thoughts on “The 8 Worst Types of Lovers

  1. So help me God, WordPress! Damn it, Help wasn’t my comment, but I have not been able to leave a comment since the wife post and I had much more to say on that post, but couldn’t. My comments are to long to try to recreate, When I try it sounds weird, forced and not natural anymore. So when I post and it doesn’t go through the first time, I’m like screw it, next post. However constantly now WordPress is telling me “Duplicate comment detected; it looks as though you’ve already said that!” and won’t post it, or once I hit post comment it refreshes the page without comment and erases it. I even tried a few times posting comments on your boy’s GoodTopBrutha blog for weeks and nothing. I wrote “help” out earlier out of frustration…and the sonofabitch posted that. Anyway I copied and pasted this from my phone earlier, so here is my original comment.

    I have had the Energizer Bunny, the Control Freak…I have this one memory so vivid of the bossiness, makes me laugh. I have had the Drug Head…over them, especially if it is man made drug, especially if they are a long time user…personally I think it shrinks their dicks. I’m okay with weed, even though I don’t smoke it, but if you need it to have sex with me, I’m passed that stage in my life. I’ve had the Talker before, who talk a good game but can’t walk the talk. When it comes to sex, has become the Selfish One, quite frankly. So I have had the Selfish One, but I have always called them, the Lazy One. I have told someone they were a lazy lover. Ironically, they’re the person I have had the most sex with. I think I ignored the laziness for so long because he was hot and sexy. I remember it was after he asked me a question during or after sex, and I let it all out. I think the final statement was “Oh my God…you are the laziest lover, ever!” Actually it leads into another bad lover. That conversation started when that guy asked, “Why didn’t I move HIS head up and down on MY dick, anymore?” I responded that if you couldn’t figure it out by now, what was the point of trying. Turns out he liked me physically moving his head the way I wanted it. I just wanted him to take his own initiative. I remember everything he likes, how he likes it, when he like it, how he wants my body… which is shaved and ready to go. And with me, he can’t remember to suck my nipples…it’s always what do I do now…I have to tell him everything! He doesn’t listen so my bad lover is Bad Listeners. If I tell you this is how I need it, and you ignore it; I’m at that point where I can’t do it anymore. I say slower nice and easy, and they’re giving you the Energizer Bunny. I bend over backwards to please, and you can’t listen and give simple request.

    Maybe it’s me.

    Haven’t had much experience with the Movie Producer. The guys I’m getting with…yeah no one is pulling a camera out to record jack. The Porn Addict also, not so much experience I had once a guy pulled out his phone to look at Pinkie have sex, and I wasn’t cool with that. Once a guy pulled out his phone to have phone sex with a a sex line. It was his first time with a guy, and he said he needed to hear a woman’s voice for a little while. I let it slide for about 10 minutes.

    • Wow, thanks for your comment man. Whew, you have had some experiences. But that last one about the guy calling a sex line to hear a woman’s voice — to weird. And ye, I hate lazy men. They are the worst! Man dude wanted you to move his head up and down? Where they do that at?

  2. So OK back to comment on my experiences: I’ve had the control freak, where I had to wear my shoes and socks hr liked and come Only at a certain time,but the sex was always Hot! I’ve been with the porn addict/drug user where he sometimes needed to watch hetrosexual porn( like pinkie. Lol( and smoke a blunt that was kinda hot because if that thug image I love, ive had the talker.. That sucked because he didn’t either deliver the goods, like playing games or wasn’t packin.. And the selfish one where he got his and fuck me getting mine.

  3. If you find yourself perpetually in the kind of situations (and Immanuel’s types are spot-on) described in the above post you probably need to find yourself a good mental health therapist.

    It’s sort of pathetic, don’t you think, when you have a “hook-up” and you don’t even get the sexual gratification you wanted which was the sole purpose of the hook-up in the first place. Some of you guys are doing this stuff over and over and getting nowhere except depressed and jaded.

    Check out the LGBT community resources in your area for gay (and gay friendly) mental health professionals. They deal with the kinds of addictions and mental health issues that MANY gay men have. These mental health therapists have seen and heard EVERYTHING, so don’t be afraid or embarrassed. You may have to visit more than one mental health professional to find one who meets your specific needs.

    • elgreene you are correct. some studies, including one from NAMI, show gay men are more prone to mental illness, particularly depression and panic attacks. Part of the reason this happens is due to self hate and lack of acceptance from family and society. Depression can lead to risky sexual behaviors and addiction. I would really appreciate if you could share Web links to where gay men can go to get help for behavioral health issues. Thanks!

      • No problem. Just type “gay/gay friendly mental health therapists in the [city/state where you live] area” in the search engine. For example, “gay/gay friendly mental health therapists in the Cleveland, Ohio area”.

        Scroll down and you will eventually see “gay issues therapists in the [city/state where you live] Psychology Today”. Click on that and you should get a list of “gay issues” therapists in the city you listed.

        Medical insurance through the job (or retirement package) should pay for a certain number of visits per year. If you don’t have medical insurance try applying for Obamacare otherwise known as the Affordable Care Act. Open enrollment for Obamacare begins 11-1-15, I think.

  4. I can’t stand the drug user types. It’s so annoying watching amateur porn and one or both men have to stop to pull out poppers or whatever they’re called.

  5. My “Bad Lover” is a guy who doesn’t eat the booty like groceries! Lmao, real talk. It’s 2015, nigga. “You might roll dubs, you might have G’s…”

    -_Cogito

    • Cogito yes! Eating booty should be a required course for all gay men, along with Basic Booty Cleaning 101, Advanced Theory in Sucking Dick, and Massage: Principles, Techniques and Happy Endings! If you don’t master these three things you just faking the funk.

  6. My gay life I have met selfish men in the bedroom, mostly undercover tops which in turn makes me lazy and don’t want to stop having sex period.

  7. **THROWS HANDS UP!** I surrender, Immanuel, I surrender! Jesus I can’t TAKE IT anymore!
    The talker ALONE has me in stitches, & I. CAN’T. BREEEEEEEEVEH! 😉😆😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😲😲😣😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
    I am done with you for today, cause #iCANT no mo! #FIN

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