Big Apple Dating Blues


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New York City has fine men but searching for a relationship there is like hunting for Fool's Gold.

Last weekend “Van” and I drove up to Crown Heights, Brooklyn to attend a buddy’s 40th birthday.

And there were fine men everywhere.

Dominican men.

Puerto Rican men.

Black men.

Korean men.

White men.

Jamaican men.

Nigerian men.

Hassidic men (yep, those beards, wide brimmed hats and side locks do something for me).

So why come when I get to the rooftop party with the great view of the Brooklyn and Manhattan skylines and start talking to gay men about the dating scene they say it sucks?

“Abram,” a guy who moved to NYC from Baltimore in the 90s, said the main problem is there are too many men.

The variety is staggering.

“So everybody is afraid to settle down because they think a man that is hotter and more their type is just around the corner,” he said.

“But there is no perfect man,” I answer.

“I know, right,” Abram replied.

Even some of the “straight” men are suspect. Van and I went past a corner restaurant and a cute black guy and his girl were having lunch.

Do you know the man locked eyes with me and didn’t break the stare as I rounded the block?

I knew what that look meant.

The other problem is that it is soooo easy to hook up in the five burroughs, folks we met said.

New York City is a 24-hour town and the sex is around the clock.

I logged onto to Adam4Adam and quickly got 15 messages in my inbox from guys of every flavor you could imagine.

Two friends of ours, one who lives in New Jersey, invited us to this huge Nubian sex party on West 38th in Manhattan but we weren’t in the city to play and didn’t attend.

So I learned that just because you are around a million gay men in a huge metropolis doesn’t mean you will find Mr. Right.

But you sure can fuck as
much as you want until Mr. Right comes along.

23 thoughts on “Big Apple Dating Blues

  1. New York? Here a queen, there a queen, everywhere a queen. A complaint that the more masculine gay men in New York have is that there are men who are nice looking, but are way too fem to hold sustained interest. There are very, very few same sex couples of color here in New York. So yea, like the caption under your blog picture says “New York City has fine men but searching for a relationship there is like hunting for Fool’s Gold.” Too, the HIV rate is staggeringly high, so it reduces the pool even further if one is HIV- and looking for a partner. It sucks.

    • Hakeem thanks for your comment although for some reason Old McDonald’s Farm is now playing in my head (smile).

      The dating scene in Washington, D.C. at least probably mirrors that in NYC, although on a smaller scale. I’ve heard that complaint about feminine guys here as well and folks from Atlanta claim the same thing.

      From what I gather there are men who prefer feminine men but the number is much smaller than those who do not.

      That thing about the HIV rate in NYC is spot on. Several guys who hit us up asked if we did raw sex (which we do not) and seemed to get a little flippant when I responded “Why would we do that?”

      New York is a fun city — I used to live near it in the late 80s and clubbed there all the time — but there is also desperation and despair and hard times there too.

      It’s an expensive place to live — an efficiency in some of the tonier parts of Brooklyn start at $1,600 a month — so it’s a grind to live there too.

      So a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t live there if I wasn’t making in the six figures.

  2. NYC does have some great “eye candy”
    Never dated or played around while I’ve been there numerous times 3x since April this year, but I’ve caught that look a time or two.
    Also I agree with Wash, DC having a lot of fems, once I met a guy there on Craigslist and he was what I was looking for or vice versa but we had a good time hanging out on the rooftop of Nellies sports bar on U st nw.

    • Unfortunately jailovzmen feminine guys don’t get much love. I think at the Brooklyn someone was talking about a couple that got married recently. One of the grooms acted real masculine until the wedding day when he showed up all flamboyant with makeup on. The other groom went through with it anyway but is not happy in the marriage and wants out.

      • Wow, thanks for sharing that with us Immanuel, about how the dude ‘changed’ the day of the wedding. Imagine being ‘tricked’ like that. And feeling such disappointment on one’s wedding day. So how do we not have shit like that happen to any of us readers?
        – And what you were saying about NYC – but there is also desperation and despair and hard times there too. Yes, there is DESPERATION like a muthafucka, and despair like a Muthafucka, and hard time like a Muthafucka. And there is gentrification pushing black and latin people out of area like Harlem to the outskirts of areas like Brooklyn and Queens. And the largely unspoken reality of cutting black men out of the economic picture in NYC, even educated, qualified ones…it is getting grim. Can you see gentrification where you are, pricing residential property out of the reach of the average black person? Yes, you are right, Immanuel, about 6 figures is what you need in NYC because one’s dollar does not really go far, and everything from groceries and rent and utilities is through the roof. Black and brown people are faced with no other choice but to find someplace else to live.
        Back to the guy to revealed his fem on his wedding day. How do we peep that shit before making a commitment? Some gay guys will come out say that a man’s natural masculinity is something that he does not have to ‘affect,’ and that he will not be butch in the name of pretense….yeeeesh…..

      • Hakeem you are so right about gentrification. It’s happened in many parts of DC where I grew up and even parts of Baltimore have changed. As regards the feminine guy I just think folks should be themselves. There is someone for everybody — just be yourself. The thing I hate is middle aged black gay men wearing their pants sagging and baseball caps to look younger. Now that’s pathetic!

      • That guy needs to get an annulment – and fast. Marriage is hard enough to wade through in the best of circumstances. Prolonged unhappiness would be unbearable. An annulment comes with the realization that ‘oops, I made a big mistake.’

    • Can I get an “AMEN”! I am actually looking forward to moving. I πŸ’Ÿ NY for the greatness that it is, but not enough to live here beyond 10 years.
      When I visit other states that I used to live in & explore other living options elsewhere, O YEARN to leave. I will ALWAYS keep my visitor pass though.

  3. Oh man. I should keep in better touch with you Immanuel. You were probably a couple of subway stops from me in Flatbush. And now you know that you and Van got a place to stay next time if you want.

    Yeah . . . this town. My experience is that love is hard to find anywhere, and it rarely makes an appearance when you are looking for it. I’m not so sure it’s a case of “there could always be someone better coming around the corner,” though.

    I think most men are happy to make a genuine connection with another man. Of course, then you get into . . . well, who is this guy? Is he a player, got a guy? girl? both? neither? Looking to hook up, or looking for something more? It takes a lot of chemistry to get this shit right, and bless those who don’t want to settle for someone “OK.”

    Sex is everywhere in this city, but there is no shortage of guys who are “dl,” married, cheating, committed but horny, in a crisis of identity, open relationship, whatever. I have a pretty hard time believing that there are enough “quality” here that they are a dime dozen. Quite the opposite.

    Buying a place is no joke either, but when you rent, you place a lot faith in a landlord’s hands. It is business, afterall. I bought a house the bank will be screwing me in interest on for the next 30 years, and that still took 40K-plus on hand to find something I wanted. Not fancy. The tenants’ place is though, a woman and her teenage daughter. Nice enough, but do I want to raise the rent $50 a month when the lease is up? Hell yes I do.

    I guess we are all on a “journey,” and most likely 3 or 4 (home, work, living, loving). The thing that unites this site is that we all like to read about yours.

    Last thing. The unsafe sex? It is fucking everywhere around here. Pretty unbelievable how these younger guys (and plenty old enough to know better) are coming up. Don’t know if they think they are lucky, immortal, or just don’t give a fuck. Scary. Take care, man.

    • Thanks for your absolute candor, worst_1_yet. Thanks for being ‘straight up’ and honest. As epidemic as the unsafe sex, and casual sex is the lovelessness that stems from the homes that a lot of gay men come from. If one has not be shown the love and loving concern a black (male) child needs at each point in their youth growing up, how can they be expected to show that love as an adult? The early need and desire for love from adults closest to us is perhaps what is fueling our difficulty with showing and forming loving relationships as adults. That early need needs to be addressed first. Too, like you said, just trying to secure that basics of adulthood like a job or a place to live makes showing love to someone else even more of a challenge. NYC and the surrounds are surely a ‘self- preservation,’ ‘ survival of the fittest,’ type of atmosphere. Many are simply trying to ‘hold on’ and hang in there, and without someone to ‘hold on to,” one dies, slowly.

  4. The fable of the greedy dog loses his bone is shining brighter than a πŸ’Žin the rough here.
    I moved to NYC in late 2O13, not like I’ve been looking or anything, but #theSTRUGGLE is indeed palpable.
    My last REAL date was my 1st trip to The Great White Way to the Land Of Oz. He is a Bostonian, & 56.
    The last NYer I tried to date stood me up & never got back in touch with me afterwards. I found him on Twitter. Let that sink in.
    The DL-esque men you speak of? A dime a dozen here, esp. with the multiplicity of options you referenced.
    The sex party in Midtown you neglected? I went there for the 1st time during NYC Black Pride 2014, & it was FIRE (to say the least). I even met a gay blogger there who is ÜBER popular in the blogosphere. I still have a dick down on reserve for him πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰
    There is a once every 3 months dungeon sex party in Park Slope, Brooklyn, hosted by the same hosts of the Midtown freak session. Sex like there is NO tomorrow! It’s where I go to GET down, esp. with the other tops that LUV to play πŸ†πŸ†πŸ†
    That’s where I go to turn some of the DL dudes out, 1 condom at a time…the gym is OVERFLOWING with the ones creating the ideal body, one muscle at a time. It makes me wonder what we are all in this race to get “perfect” for, if we really aren’t catching a mate (for the most part).
    Bottom line is: for those seeking a serious, monogamous relationship (or whatever faucet you define a relationship in/by in 2O15)), it is a challenge in NYC.
    The same challenges Carrie & the girls had back in the day, are ever present today, LGBT style. I picture myself in a serious relationship in my late 30s, when we are BOAF ready to have a certain steady stability in our respective lives.
    I ain’t Mr. Right, but we can fuck till you & me find him…#itiswhatitis
    Glad you had fun in my ‘hood Mr. MD Wood. We shalll meet yet πŸ˜‰

  5. I’ve been following this thread for a few days and I finally decided to comment.

    If you are a gay man and you want to be in a committed relationship/marriage, reject the gay male “hook-up” culture in all it’s aspects and socialize with and DATE commitment/marriage minded gay men. I’m aware that some committed gay couples found each other in hook-up situations such as bathhouses, public restrooms, parks, etc., but I don’t think this is not how most committed/married gay couples met each other.

    I understand that people are attracted to what they’re attracted to but why don’t “hard” gay men try giving “soft” gay men (and I’m not talking about over-the-top flamboyant queen types although there’s nothing wrong with that) a chance. And “soft” gay men should give other “soft” gay men a chance. Let’s stop the fetishizing of so-called “hard” men.

    Btw, I never understood the whole strict top/bottom thing. I think the more “versatile” you are sexually the greater the odds are of you finding a partner you can connect with sexually and emotionally. I think most of us know that many “tops” will bottom for the right guy.

    And my last thought is that some of the ‘hard” gay men are not as hard as they think they are. I recently saw a video of a “masculine” black gay man talking about how masculine black gay men needed greater visibility and he was attractive and it was obvious that he spent a lot of time working out but when he opened his mouth he definitely had “gay voice”. lol

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