The Truth About Van and Me


complicatedI really wasn’t going to blog about this aspect of my relationship with “Van” but since it’s out to the world now I guess I can write about it.

Van and I have a lot more in common than our outgoing, social personalities. You see we both dated “Morgan.”

It’s a complicated story. But hey life is complicated, right? And I truly believe if you don’t have some troubles in life you aren’t really living.

Here’s the story. It’s a long one and a bit twisty so be patient when reading it and feel free to ask questions at the end.

I met Van before I met Morgan and we kicked it  few times and went on a few dates. But then I met Morgan and through conversations I figured out Morgan had dated Van about a year before and broken up with him.

At that point in my life I was tired of running around and really wanted to be in a relationship. Morgan seemed more serious about pursuing a relationship with me than Van so I decided to go down the primrose path with Morgan.

Morgan told me he didn’t want me communicating with Van, which should have been a big red flag. Because really no partner should put restrictions on whom his partner talks to — that is a sign of insecurity and a controlling personality.

But I was truly falling in love with Morgan and wanted to please him. So I agreed although that action was hurtful to Van because in effect I abruptly cut him off. That was inexcusable on my part.

A few weeks after we began dating Morgan said he was taking Van to lunch to settle things with him. A few years later I discovered he told Van he was dating me and told him many of the things I had said I had done with Van sexually, which was really not necessary. Morgan also said I had forbidden him from talking to Van anymore.

So he lied to both of us because I never told Morgan to do that.

After I left Morgan and moved to Baltimore I played the field awhile but I kept running through my mind why my relationship with Morgan, which had started so promisingly, had fizzled and died.

So a few months after leaving Morgan,during the winter of 2013,  I called Van and told him Morgan and I broke up and we started comparing notes.

And I found out the same patterns Morgan displayed that had prompted me to end the relationship with him were the same ones Morgan had displayed with Van. It was like Morgan was doing the same dance over and over but with different partners.

That conversation with Van made me feel more at ease. That nagging feeling I had, about what I might have done wrong to mess up things with Morgan, evaporated.

I realized I had done what I could to make it work and sometimes there are things simply beyond my control.

I had invited Morgan to a film screening of “Elliott Loves” during Baltimore Pride around this time, because I was really trying to be friends with him.

That night Morgan told me he had moved a younger man into his home who he said he was not really interested in and I told him that he seemed to repeat the same dysfunctional relationship pattern and should seek counseling.

A day later we got into a text message fight because he claimed I was nagging him about counseling and I admitted I was talking to Van and had learned things about him I had not known.

Do you know Morgan called Van at his office to argue with him about the fact Van and I  were talking!

So my communication with Morgan ended at that point on a sour note (Read my 2013 entry A Broken Bond), although he would send me texts on my birthday and Christmas.

And Van and I started hanging out more and things got serious although I told him it felt uncomfortable dating the ex of an ex. But we took things slowly, gave each other space, and let things develop. And the relationship so far appears to be working.

And I didn’t worry about Morgan because I did not live in the same town anymore, did not hang out at the same spots, and did not share close friends. Besides, it was not my business whom he dated now and it was not his business whom I dated.

But in the last few months the situation took a weird turn.

Morgan sent Van a text message out of the blue in June inviting him to lunch since they worked relatively close to each other. “Maybe we can meet or meat. Too soon?”

When Van asked why Morgan used the term “meat” Morgan said he wouldn’t mind hooking up with Van again because the sexual chemistry was always good. He also said he had mishandled the relationship.

That text message was a bit forward, considering the two had not spoken to each other in more than a year and their last conversation had ended in a fight.

Van told Morgan he was dating someone and was not interested. He really wanted to tell Morgan off and say exactly who he was dating but I told him to leave it alone. Why get a battle going with a person neither one of us associated with?

Then around the first of August Morgan sent me a text message that appeared to be sent accidentally. In the message Morgan was telling someone he was at the store running an errand to prepare for their date and he would be at their house soon.

I texted Morgan back telling him he sent me the text message in error and he should contact the right person. I also told him I hoped he had a good time on his date.

“Oh wow, will do,” he answered. “Give my best to Van.”

So you see he used the excuse of mistakenly sending me a text to let me know he knew I was dating Van. Probably someone he knew had seen Van and I together and informed him — the black gay community in Baltimore and D.C. is relatively small so I knew this was bound to happen.

His text actually made me feel sorry for him. Jeez, we are not even friends. Our orbits never cross. He had dated Van and me and obviously we were not what he wanted.

So why not just move on?

So when he texted “Give my best to Van” I simply texted back “Will do.”

30 thoughts on “The Truth About Van and Me

  1. This situation sounds somewhat familiar to me Immanuel , why are some gay men so full of drama? I can attest to this because the one I fell madly for played these mind games actually he mindfucked me constantly, when I find myself missing something about him I think of the end result so yeah I’m happy you moved on with Van. I think its cool that you both have an openness to your relationship and that you trust each other.

  2. First off, he neeeeeever “accidentally” texted you. That’s one of the oldest tricks in the book. Morgan is good for coming out of the woodworks and starting stuff. Anybody that messy doesn’t need to be in your life anyway. Too damn old for that. Some guys just have no chill. -_-

    -_Cogito

  3. Does Morgan know about your blog? If he’s reading it, that could be how he found out about you and Van.

    However he found out, Morgan sounds like someone who is messy, deceitful and manipulative. You and Van are both better off with him out of your lives.

    • The Black Male Nudist: Yes, I suggested counseling when he told me he had moved a younger guy into his house after I moved out. What he never knew (but will probably find out now if he reads it) is that that guy was fucking several people I knew. So I knew he had moved someone flaky into his residence. I suggested counseling because no matter what I loved Morgan and wanted him to figure out himself better because self-awareness might enable him to have better relationships. Hell, I went into therapy around the time I was leaving my ex-wife. It helped me tremendously. He left a comment on this blog that hinted I was jealous of this new guy. I didn’t bother to answer that because it was not true. I deeply care for him and didn’t want him to get into a bad situation. To his credit he eventually threw this guy out. Guess what that guy did? Tried to move in with another older black gay friend of mine who lived a few blocks away.

  4. Immanuel, thank you for sharing something sooo very personal. I guess you do want others to learn something from your disappointments. The great thing is the only thing that was exchanged was hard feeling and not STDs, given your sex escapades. Sharing and swapping sexual partners among a small community of gay people, versus monogamy, will leave some, unknowingly, with more than they bargained for.
    Morgan, ah that classic terror tale, rampant in the gay circle. Many times gay relationships are about power and control, which is what many men, gay or straight want: power, control – and sexual satisfaction. The secret is with men, and the older they are, the more this is the case: When meeting guys , act like they have “AS IS’ stamped on their foreheads. Date before having sex to learn about him, his past and his basic personality, THEN decide ‘do I really want to stick my dick in ‘that.’ Even though random sexual encounters is the way men search for ‘the one,’ dating long enough to get a gist of a man’s personality can spare heartache.
    Neither you nor ‘Van’ ‘owe’ Morgan anything. You both have moved on. Period. Point blank.

    • Thanks 2 Cents for your wise words. Hey I agree in dating a person to figure out whether they are relationship material. But I also believe in free sexual expression – if a person is highly sexual they should have sex with however many people they wish. It’s a free country. Just be respectful, open, practice safe sex and get regular testing. Oh I have also know couples who had sex on the first date and have been together decades. Long term dating is no guarantee a relationship will work because people change over time.

      • As you spend more time learning gay folks you will come to realize that a number do and are none of those things: be respectful, open, practice safe sex and get regular testing. Immanuel you are a father (and you are a man of a certain age, not 18, or 25, or 30, or 35…). As a father do you encourage you children to have random sexual partners, risking unwanted pregnancy, stds, or simply getting ‘used?’ Immanuel please say what kinds of adults you would like your children to be in terms of respecting themselves, their bodies, tact, relationship boundaries. Oh, by the way, stds are free in a free country.

      • Like I said I believe people should be free to have sex with whom they want when the want as long as both parties mutually agree. I also advocate safe sex and encourage my children to practice it.

      • Sex on the first date is rarely a smart move. Ask anyone who got burned doing that. Or never got a ‘morning-after’ phone call. Or needed to go to the clinic, after sex on a first date. Immanuel, I am a pretty good looking guy, if I came over later can I cum inside your ass?

  5. Hey man,
    I admire the way you handle Morgan. Courtesy and respect. You won’t stoop down to his level. Let him play his little games and you keep on smiling and continue to be blessed with who you have. You both are better off without him…… Have a great weekend brother!!!

  6. Thanks Manny for the masterclass in handling trifling folk. I knew there was a reason why I logged on today.

  7. “His text actually made me feel sorry for him. Jeez, we are not even friends. Our orbits never cross.”

    I have a question: He still had your number in his phone. Do you and/or Van still have Morgan’s number in your phones? If the answer is yes, my question is why?

    When I broke up years ago with my first long term boyfriend (a relationship of over 5 years), he had moved out and was renting an apartment from my family. I was managing that property so I had to keep his number. A year or so – at most – after he moved out, I deleted his number. I didn’t miss him and I found someone better within 2 months after my breakup with the ex. We’ve been together for 13 years – legally married since 2008. The ex actually tried to sabotage my current relationship after he tested positive, but I had tested negative (and still do), so I was able to block him and keep him away from my husband. Honey, if you think Morgan is a drama queen, he’s nothing compared to MY ex !!

    Roughly once a year I’d Google the ex-boyfriend to see how he was doing and where he was. I never wished him ill when we split and I hoped he was happy and successful with someone else. I was never successful in finding out anything about him until a month or two ago. That’s when I found his obituary. I literally gasped when I read it. And I was depressed for at least a week. I managed to dig up the email address of a friend of his who told me that he was driving home and felt chest pains. Believing he was having a heart attack, he pulled over and called 911. He died before they got to him – presumably while still on the line with the 911 operator. I never would have wished that for him. He was only 43.

    He and his family live in Los Angeles. His mother who is a true steel magnolia – with all the denial that comes with that, buried him in a family plot in Mississippi which the family left back in the 1970’s. His obituary in the local Mississippi paper mentioned no family, no cause of death, nothing. It’s as if he never fucking lived.

    Breaking up is hard to do. A relationship requires a lot of energy and ending it brings on a lot of pain. I imagine you found that when you and your wife split. I had loved my ex at one time. Just because we split up, it didn’t completely eradicate those feelings. That may be why “Morgan” still had your number – and possibly why you and/or “Van” possibly still had his.

    Be that as it may, it appears that you are still much better off being with Van than you were with Morgan. Maintain a healthy distance and continue moving forward without “Morgan”, but don’t be surprised if you still think about him sometimes.

    • PDQ wow that is sad how things turned out with your ex. And yes breaking up with someone can be tough emotionally. And I’m glad my level of drama is not as high as yours. Morgan’s contact is still in my phone because frankly I hear from him so infrequently I forget it is even there. And congratulations to you on your newer relationship. I’m so glad it has endured.

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