The Truth About Van and Me


complicatedI really wasn’t going to blog about this aspect of my relationship with “Van” but since it’s out to the world now I guess I can write about it.

Van and I have a lot more in common than our outgoing, social personalities. You see we both dated “Morgan.”

It’s a complicated story. But hey life is complicated, right? And I truly believe if you don’t have some troubles in life you aren’t really living.

Here’s the story. It’s a long one and a bit twisty so be patient when reading it and feel free to ask questions at the end.

I met Van before I met Morgan and we kicked it  few times and went on a few dates. But then I met Morgan and through conversations I figured out Morgan had dated Van about a year before and broken up with him.

At that point in my life I was tired of running around and really wanted to be in a relationship. Morgan seemed more serious about pursuing a relationship with me than Van so I decided to go down the primrose path with Morgan.

Morgan told me he didn’t want me communicating with Van, which should have been a big red flag. Because really no partner should put restrictions on whom his partner talks to — that is a sign of insecurity and a controlling personality.

But I was truly falling in love with Morgan and wanted to please him. So I agreed although that action was hurtful to Van because in effect I abruptly cut him off. That was inexcusable on my part.

A few weeks after we began dating Morgan said he was taking Van to lunch to settle things with him. A few years later I discovered he told Van he was dating me and told him many of the things I had said I had done with Van sexually, which was really not necessary. Morgan also said I had forbidden him from talking to Van anymore.

So he lied to both of us because I never told Morgan to do that.

After I left Morgan and moved to Baltimore I played the field awhile but I kept running through my mind why my relationship with Morgan, which had started so promisingly, had fizzled and died.

So a few months after leaving Morgan,during the winter of 2013,  I called Van and told him Morgan and I broke up and we started comparing notes.

And I found out the same patterns Morgan displayed that had prompted me to end the relationship with him were the same ones Morgan had displayed with Van. It was like Morgan was doing the same dance over and over but with different partners.

That conversation with Van made me feel more at ease. That nagging feeling I had, about what I might have done wrong to mess up things with Morgan, evaporated.

I realized I had done what I could to make it work and sometimes there are things simply beyond my control.

I had invited Morgan to a film screening of “Elliott Loves” during Baltimore Pride around this time, because I was really trying to be friends with him.

That night Morgan told me he had moved a younger man into his home who he said he was not really interested in and I told him that he seemed to repeat the same dysfunctional relationship pattern and should seek counseling.

A day later we got into a text message fight because he claimed I was nagging him about counseling and I admitted I was talking to Van and had learned things about him I had not known.

Do you know Morgan called Van at his office to argue with him about the fact Van and I  were talking!

So my communication with Morgan ended at that point on a sour note (Read my 2013 entry A Broken Bond), although he would send me texts on my birthday and Christmas.

And Van and I started hanging out more and things got serious although I told him it felt uncomfortable dating the ex of an ex. But we took things slowly, gave each other space, and let things develop. And the relationship so far appears to be working.

And I didn’t worry about Morgan because I did not live in the same town anymore, did not hang out at the same spots, and did not share close friends. Besides, it was not my business whom he dated now and it was not his business whom I dated.

But in the last few months the situation took a weird turn.

Morgan sent Van a text message out of the blue in June inviting him to lunch since they worked relatively close to each other. “Maybe we can meet or meat. Too soon?”

When Van asked why Morgan used the term “meat” Morgan said he wouldn’t mind hooking up with Van again because the sexual chemistry was always good. He also said he had mishandled the relationship.

That text message was a bit forward, considering the two had not spoken to each other in more than a year and their last conversation had ended in a fight.

Van told Morgan he was dating someone and was not interested. He really wanted to tell Morgan off and say exactly who he was dating but I told him to leave it alone. Why get a battle going with a person neither one of us associated with?

Then around the first of August Morgan sent me a text message that appeared to be sent accidentally. In the message Morgan was telling someone he was at the store running an errand to prepare for their date and he would be at their house soon.

I texted Morgan back telling him he sent me the text message in error and he should contact the right person. I also told him I hoped he had a good time on his date.

“Oh wow, will do,” he answered. “Give my best to Van.”

So you see he used the excuse of mistakenly sending me a text to let me know he knew I was dating Van. Probably someone he knew had seen Van and I together and informed him — the black gay community in Baltimore and D.C. is relatively small so I knew this was bound to happen.

His text actually made me feel sorry for him. Jeez, we are not even friends. Our orbits never cross. He had dated Van and me and obviously we were not what he wanted.

So why not just move on?

So when he texted “Give my best to Van” I simply texted back “Will do.”