Reader Question: How can I keep my sex life private and discreet?


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One of my blog readers is grappling with keeping is sex life private and sent this long and sometimes convoluted question. My answer is below.

Q: Hey man, this is kind of long.  I am an intelligent brother but when i get excited I can be a little all over the place.

Discovered your blog about 2 years ago. Been off an on, between grad school and feelings of guilt.  I just stopped by again and read a post about your words of wisdom for gay men. In it you said there is karma and it works more quickly in the gay world. That had me thinking.

How easy is it to have discreet encounters? I used to mess around with dudes about once a year during my teenage years. I used to meet up in parks or A4A. I mean literally like twice a year. After every encounter I would feel guilty. Also between being cold (from the north east)and being a student all the time, my encounters were limited to the summer. During my college years I got into a relationship with a woman and cheated once/ twice (a I kissed a dude) guilt (a good thing in this case) mad me tell her within in days of doing it. We broke up. I remained celibate from all sex for almost  5 years ago. Fast forward. I still love women, can’t see myself having a relationship with a dude but I still need to keep thing discreet.

I am far from paranoid as other dudes are and as I once was, However, don’t need people in my business. I went back on A4A and spoke to a few dudes here and there, met up with maybe 2 dudes but spoke to maybe 6-7. After I rejected one, one pointed out, the more you talk or meet up with people they less DL you become. I was like shit that is so true. He also said his pics got stolen and his friends told him. I was like  how many discreet dudes has like 5 friends who are not only gay but on the sites/apps?

I am wondering can anyone really be discreet? Discovered craiglist last year and like it because it is straight to the point and there are less “bored” people on there. Well one guy hit up my ad and signed his name in his email. Well, I always google or facebook the name of the phone number or research any dude I meet up with if the information is available. This dude turns out to be married so indeed he was DL.  However if your information is so easily available are you trying to be discreet.

I too now wonder if I have been sloppy. I have a DL name but other than that I tell the truth about everything. But just speaking to other dudes about other dudes (they have spoken with on A4A or CL (don’t have any of the apps) it seems that the gay world is sloppy. I was in program at a college this past year and there was on gay brother in the cohort. He was mad cool, and introduced me one day to his frat brother who was new to the school but straight. Well I went on CL, and responded to an ad for a DL brother. Well, he gave his number, so I looked him up on facebook. Boom it turns out to be my gay classmates’ frat brother. This frat brother had just moved here and he and my classmate were just frat brothers, I am sure of that. To make matters worse, I was going through this guys friends list and I saw that he knew a dude from the area who I had met up with a couple months back.. That dude is definitely DL, masculine, but, he has never been to college, and the other dude just moved here so there is now way they could have met up but are now friends on facebook. I assume after hooking up. What dl dudes befriends a guy they are sleeping with on facebook? That implies realy names, etc more were given out. It is interesting this frat dude asked me if I was in a frat first and while telling me which one he was in. He told me where he went to school but he lied about his concentration but told the truth about his frat. I am like damn people are sloppy or not consistent. I mean if you told me you were a black MBA student it may be hard to figure you out but if you tell me your frat that narrows the pool even more.

Now, I feel like I am back to being paranoid. And this is not from a cheating perspective, whether I consider myself gay or bi, not everyone needs to know who I am sleeping with.  But even the “legit” dl dudes seem to either not care or are real sloppy.

My main question How does one have discreet encounters? I don’t have any DL friends, and don’t want to sleep with my friends. Married dudes tends to be “safer” but I have only met up with two dudes who were married in the past and I am trying to be a homewrecker.  What are the different levels of Dl dudes? Anyway to spot them? I agree the most sane dudes on A4A are the ones who keep it simple in their posts but others I don’t know about. I was so proud that I am not paranoid like I was 6 years ago or like some 40 year olds I have spoken to online but these encounters in the past few months makes me feel like I am regressing.

A: Good morning:

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I hope my answers to your questions help.

So you want to be discreet? The best way is to develop a sexual, fuck buddy relationship with a person who is  like minded.

Try advertising on Craigslist or Adam for something like that. Describe in detail that you are DL and want to keep it that way. There are others out there who feel the same way.

In DC there is a sex party club for DL mostly married guys. It is called The Circle and is advertised on A4a under that name. They are discreet guys who come together and freak and go back to the straight side. They even network outside of sex. There could be a similar group on your area.

Also if you want to be private as you wrote don’t associate with messy or crazy people, although this may be hard to ascertain through online ads.

Having said all this however I would like to urge you to seek a therapist and just talk and explore yourself. You seem to have extreme  feelings of shame and guilt about your sexuality.

The fact you claimed to be celibate for five years sounded troubling. Did you really mean no sex, not with women, men or masturbation?

You dabbled with men and confessed to your girl? Did you do this as an excuse to be free? Because most guys I know with girls keep their dealings with men in secrecy.

And although bisexuality exists are you really gay and not ready to express it?

Also understand once you are having sex with men you are really not DL. Being DL to me sometimes is a form of self delusion for men who are ashamed of their sexuality and want to conform to hetero society. So they trick themselves mentally by saying I’m not gay I’m just DL and dabbling on the side.

I’ve also discovered some guys get off on the cloak and dagger aspect of the DL life. The secrecy and creeping adds to the excitement of the sex

So believe me there will always be people that know your tea. Some of your friends may already know or suspect and simply don’t care because being gay or bisexual now is far less of a big deal.

So please stop obsessing about who knows whom on social media. Relax and enjoy your life. I am out in my private life and with some family but not at work. Only a few close friends even know about my blog. As you grow older I hope you learn to balance your private and public life.

Good luck and peace and blessing to you.

P.S. I will share your letter on my blog. My readers are wise and may be able to offer you better advice.

Immanuel

24 thoughts on “Reader Question: How can I keep my sex life private and discreet?

  1. I agree with Immanuel, enjoy Your life. I struggled years with gay shame. But secretly I loved men and the torture with hiding it being with women wasn’t fair to them or me, one day I woke up and said its OK to be me. But you’ll find your own personal path. Wish you the best bro.

  2. I think at some point, every guy goes through their own battle with accepting their sexuality to some degree. Shame is a natural and quite common form of this; just don’t let it define your sexuality. If you love women but like men, that’s totally fine. The world isn’t going to end just because you had a couple flings here and there. I’d challenge you to, at the very least, find a nice guy to “talk to”. Nothing serious, just some dope conversation, maybe catch a movie, friends with benefits, on some low key stuff. That way you can sorta ease out of the guilt trip and realize you’re not gonna burst in flames at the very thought of going any further with a man.

    -_Cogito

  3. Brilliant response, Immanuel. I’m so proud of you for your constructive critique and choice of words! This is one reason I’m drawn to your blog!

  4. Immanuel, I think the writer who sent you this letter needs to realize he is still learning the ropes of this lifestyle. Ultimately, being DL is not defined what others think it should be, but by how you as the person should feel it should be defined.

    We are all still growing and learning not matter how old or young. What is important is that the writer creates his own guidelines for what he will or will not accept. He learns this about himself from life experiences. It is his life ultimately. .

  5. Hey manny
    To my discreet brother: Man relax and take a deep breath. I been going though what you going though for years and years and each year it gets less important. Quickly my pastor preached a sermon recently titled “Aint nobody thinking about you”. The jist of the sermon was God got you, not man. We worry about what people think and they aint thinking about you. Everybody have their own trials and tribulations. We focus too much on what other people think. I look at people in nursing homes, hospitals. I think about the patients who was told today that they have cancer. We got brothers who were arrested today and headed to jail/ prison…Think about how they feel. Life is to short man. Enjoy YOUR life and do exactly what you want to do. Are we all perfect and always make the right decisions. …no. In a nutshell, just live man and try to be the best person you can be and believe me brother; people don’t spend their lives 24/7 thinking about YOU and what you are doing in your bedroom……They have their own issues….hope this helps..

  6. I would say do you and be proud and accept yourself for who you are. Don’t let religion or people determine what you like. It sounds as if you may be bisexual. Nothing wrong with being honest to yourself first. I admit keeping your sexual dealings between you and whom you are fucking is key however, don’t guilt yourself. You WILL NOT burst into flames for liking what you like.

  7. When I read this the other day, I had a strong word to say to Discreet Lover Boy. However, within the hour of reading this, I had an impact full incident; that makes me want to come at this in a different way.

    First let me say, in my opinion they’re differences between being on the DL and being discreet. I think it is safe to say Immanuel was once DL, in that he was married to a woman, and having feelings for men, and acting on them, right? I feel like he is now discreet, in that certain important people in his life know, but not all. It’s basically on a need to know basis. Not that he is ashamed, but not everyone needs to know his sexual life and activities. I feel like you are going back and from, in your description of DL and Discreet…to me two different labels. I can’t figure out if you are DL or Discreet. One minute I think you are DL, then you do something like tell your girlfriend that you cheated on her with a guy… not a DL move.

    Secondly, I get you want as little amount of people as possible to know your business with sleeping with guys; but it sounds as if you don’t even want the men you are sleeping with, to know you are sleeping with them.
    I mean I get what you are trying to say, that the more you sleep with men, the more people in the world, who knows your secret, therfore the less DL you are. That is just the minor cost of sleeping with men, if you are that paranoid, which you are, just go back to being celibate.

    I was confused as hell about that frat brother/roommate situation. I was initially on a what is this dude rambling about. After reading it a second time today, I think I got it…and it sorta makes me more frustrated and upset at Discreet Lover Boy. I mean you are doing so much assuming and quite frankly snooping. It never has occurred to me to Google or Facebook search someone telephone, off of Craigslist…maybe I should. To me this seemed like a good hookup choice to me. Ask the right questions…via text or email about who knows in his life or fraternity…then take it from there.
    But all this analyzing their Facebook friends, assuming they have hooked up and saying how else could they know each other, since one didn’t go to college and one did. That sounds crazy to me. You are doing what sounds to me a lot of assuming. As much as this is a large earth, it also can be a small world at the same time.

    I have so much more to say, but I have said enough…Look I get more than you know about the guilt factor, and where I think you are coming from. I mean, I’m the guy who would take the hotest longest showers, after encounters with men, thinking I could scrub my sins away literally. However just take away that there’s a line between cautiousness and paranoia…just ask yourself are you leaning more to one than the other.

  8. Oh man! I remember the days you’re going through and I would never want to go back!

    A couple of thoughts:
    1) You worry about everyone knowing who you’re sleeping with. I’ve been out for years. I have friends who are straight and gay (nearly all of them couples, come to think of it). I assume they have sex because they’re couples. But I have no idea what specifically they do in the bedroom, or on the dining table, or in front of the fireplace, or splayed across the hood of a car, or…….. We never talk about it – EVER. It’s no one’s damn business. And as far as I’m aware, with the exception of a very few friends who I have shared details with, no one knows what my husband and I do in the bedroom with each other.

    2) You say you love women. Is that emotional and sexual type love? Do you have similar feelings for men (disregard whether that freaks you out – just answer the question)? Do you lust after men and/or women ? Again – don’t worry about bursting into flames. Just answer the question.

    3) Based on my experience, we are hard wired as far as our sexual attractions go. You can enroll in programs that promise to change it, you can pray about it. You can cry and yell and scream about it. But that won’t change anything. I am attracted to men. It took me until I was damn near 29 to come to terms with that. I worked for my conservative Republican family’s business in a city and an industry where being gay wouldn’t have been received well. I considered suicide if I was ever outed. I didn’t see any other alternative because I despised myself for being attracted to men. You may have considered a similar solution. Don’t do that. It won’t solve anything and it will end prematurely all chances for you to achieve great things in your life.

    I decided to accept who I was after a childhood friend came out to me on Christmas Eve while talking with him outside my parents’ home. He made it safe for me to explore. He was always there to talk things out with me. He wasn’t messy, he wasn’t a gossip. He was a good friend when I really needed one.

    Deep down you know what your orientation is. If you are closeted, I hope that you too can find a friend to help you like mine did. Good luck!

  9. I actually wanna jump in here. Ive been reading your bolgs for about a year now and i definitely enjoy reading them. However im kinda in the same boat as the other guy. Long story short my girlfriend found out about me and i had to tell her and my father about being molested before and some bad decisions i made after. I start taking trips to the meat rack on latenights at 17 over the last ten years ive had numerous encounters and even created some friend ships that’s still going to this day. Now in the past ten year’s ive learned that liking trannies and being dl don’t match but ive been doing great at keeping a low profile. My question is, are theyre any people out there like me that doesen’t necessarily like the lifestyle but enjoys the sex? Im so confused

    • Devin there are a lot of men like you. You are far from alone. You can express your same-sex attraction however you feel comfortable. There are men who love other men who never go to gay bars, events, or other venues. How you live your life is up to you. The only things you should be are honest with yourself and not hypocritical (for instance denigrating or bashing gay people while indulging in gay sex yourself). However, I’d like to ask you a few questions. What does your molestation have to do with your sexual orientation (please read my blog post from a few years ago on this issue). Also, are you still dating the same girlfriend and is she accepting of your lifestyle? And what about your Dad? Have a good evening and thanks for following my blog. I really appreciate it.

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