Big Apple Dating Blues


New York City has fine men but searching for a relationship there is like hunting for Fool's Gold.

Last weekend “Van” and I drove up to Crown Heights, Brooklyn to attend a buddy’s 40th birthday.

And there were fine men everywhere.

Dominican men.

Puerto Rican men.

Black men.

Korean men.

White men.

Jamaican men.

Nigerian men.

Hassidic men (yep, those beards, wide brimmed hats and side locks do something for me).

So why come when I get to the rooftop party with the great view of the Brooklyn and Manhattan skylines and start talking to gay men about the dating scene they say it sucks?

“Abram,” a guy who moved to NYC from Baltimore in the 90s, said the main problem is there are too many men.

The variety is staggering.

“So everybody is afraid to settle down because they think a man that is hotter and more their type is just around the corner,” he said.

“But there is no perfect man,” I answer.

“I know, right,” Abram replied.

Even some of the “straight” men are suspect. Van and I went past a corner restaurant and a cute black guy and his girl were having lunch.

Do you know the man locked eyes with me and didn’t break the stare as I rounded the block?

I knew what that look meant.

The other problem is that it is soooo easy to hook up in the five burroughs, folks we met said.

New York City is a 24-hour town and the sex is around the clock.

I logged onto to Adam4Adam and quickly got 15 messages in my inbox from guys of every flavor you could imagine.

Two friends of ours, one who lives in New Jersey, invited us to this huge Nubian sex party on West 38th in Manhattan but we weren’t in the city to play and didn’t attend.

So I learned that just because you are around a million gay men in a huge metropolis doesn’t mean you will find Mr. Right.

But you sure can fuck as
much as you want until Mr. Right comes along.

The Truth About Van and Me

complicatedI really wasn’t going to blog about this aspect of my relationship with “Van” but since it’s out to the world now I guess I can write about it.

Van and I have a lot more in common than our outgoing, social personalities. You see we both dated “Morgan.”

It’s a complicated story. But hey life is complicated, right? And I truly believe if you don’t have some troubles in life you aren’t really living.

Here’s the story. It’s a long one and a bit twisty so be patient when reading it and feel free to ask questions at the end.

I met Van before I met Morgan and we kicked it  few times and went on a few dates. But then I met Morgan and through conversations I figured out Morgan had dated Van about a year before and broken up with him.

At that point in my life I was tired of running around and really wanted to be in a relationship. Morgan seemed more serious about pursuing a relationship with me than Van so I decided to go down the primrose path with Morgan.

Morgan told me he didn’t want me communicating with Van, which should have been a big red flag. Because really no partner should put restrictions on whom his partner talks to — that is a sign of insecurity and a controlling personality.

But I was truly falling in love with Morgan and wanted to please him. So I agreed although that action was hurtful to Van because in effect I abruptly cut him off. That was inexcusable on my part.

A few weeks after we began dating Morgan said he was taking Van to lunch to settle things with him. A few years later I discovered he told Van he was dating me and told him many of the things I had said I had done with Van sexually, which was really not necessary. Morgan also said I had forbidden him from talking to Van anymore.

So he lied to both of us because I never told Morgan to do that.

After I left Morgan and moved to Baltimore I played the field awhile but I kept running through my mind why my relationship with Morgan, which had started so promisingly, had fizzled and died.

So a few months after leaving Morgan,during the winter of 2013,  I called Van and told him Morgan and I broke up and we started comparing notes.

And I found out the same patterns Morgan displayed that had prompted me to end the relationship with him were the same ones Morgan had displayed with Van. It was like Morgan was doing the same dance over and over but with different partners.

That conversation with Van made me feel more at ease. That nagging feeling I had, about what I might have done wrong to mess up things with Morgan, evaporated.

I realized I had done what I could to make it work and sometimes there are things simply beyond my control.

I had invited Morgan to a film screening of “Elliott Loves” during Baltimore Pride around this time, because I was really trying to be friends with him.

That night Morgan told me he had moved a younger man into his home who he said he was not really interested in and I told him that he seemed to repeat the same dysfunctional relationship pattern and should seek counseling.

A day later we got into a text message fight because he claimed I was nagging him about counseling and I admitted I was talking to Van and had learned things about him I had not known.

Do you know Morgan called Van at his office to argue with him about the fact Van and I  were talking!

So my communication with Morgan ended at that point on a sour note (Read my 2013 entry A Broken Bond), although he would send me texts on my birthday and Christmas.

And Van and I started hanging out more and things got serious although I told him it felt uncomfortable dating the ex of an ex. But we took things slowly, gave each other space, and let things develop. And the relationship so far appears to be working.

And I didn’t worry about Morgan because I did not live in the same town anymore, did not hang out at the same spots, and did not share close friends. Besides, it was not my business whom he dated now and it was not his business whom I dated.

But in the last few months the situation took a weird turn.

Morgan sent Van a text message out of the blue in June inviting him to lunch since they worked relatively close to each other. “Maybe we can meet or meat. Too soon?”

When Van asked why Morgan used the term “meat” Morgan said he wouldn’t mind hooking up with Van again because the sexual chemistry was always good. He also said he had mishandled the relationship.

That text message was a bit forward, considering the two had not spoken to each other in more than a year and their last conversation had ended in a fight.

Van told Morgan he was dating someone and was not interested. He really wanted to tell Morgan off and say exactly who he was dating but I told him to leave it alone. Why get a battle going with a person neither one of us associated with?

Then around the first of August Morgan sent me a text message that appeared to be sent accidentally. In the message Morgan was telling someone he was at the store running an errand to prepare for their date and he would be at their house soon.

I texted Morgan back telling him he sent me the text message in error and he should contact the right person. I also told him I hoped he had a good time on his date.

“Oh wow, will do,” he answered. “Give my best to Van.”

So you see he used the excuse of mistakenly sending me a text to let me know he knew I was dating Van. Probably someone he knew had seen Van and I together and informed him — the black gay community in Baltimore and D.C. is relatively small so I knew this was bound to happen.

His text actually made me feel sorry for him. Jeez, we are not even friends. Our orbits never cross. He had dated Van and me and obviously we were not what he wanted.

So why not just move on?

So when he texted “Give my best to Van” I simply texted back “Will do.”

Yeah, I’d do him…Part 2

Three years ago I asked readers to tell me what celebrity, gay or straight, they would go to bed with.

Well, I would still do my original list but I wanted to add a few others. Here they go. And please tell me who you wouldn’t hesitate to kick it with:

Jason Statham (actor, “The Transporter” series, “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels)



Omari Hardwick (actor, “Power”)


Jussie Smollett (actor, “Empire”)


Josh Hartnett (actor, “Penny Dreadful”)


Kenneth Faried (NBA, Denver Nuggets)


Every actor in DL Chronicles


Joe Taslim (martial arts actor, “The Raid: Redemption”

joetaslimPresident Barack Obama



Reader Question: How can I keep my sex life private and discreet?


One of my blog readers is grappling with keeping is sex life private and sent this long and sometimes convoluted question. My answer is below.

Q: Hey man, this is kind of long.  I am an intelligent brother but when i get excited I can be a little all over the place.

Discovered your blog about 2 years ago. Been off an on, between grad school and feelings of guilt.  I just stopped by again and read a post about your words of wisdom for gay men. In it you said there is karma and it works more quickly in the gay world. That had me thinking.

How easy is it to have discreet encounters? I used to mess around with dudes about once a year during my teenage years. I used to meet up in parks or A4A. I mean literally like twice a year. After every encounter I would feel guilty. Also between being cold (from the north east)and being a student all the time, my encounters were limited to the summer. During my college years I got into a relationship with a woman and cheated once/ twice (a I kissed a dude) guilt (a good thing in this case) mad me tell her within in days of doing it. We broke up. I remained celibate from all sex for almost  5 years ago. Fast forward. I still love women, can’t see myself having a relationship with a dude but I still need to keep thing discreet.

I am far from paranoid as other dudes are and as I once was, However, don’t need people in my business. I went back on A4A and spoke to a few dudes here and there, met up with maybe 2 dudes but spoke to maybe 6-7. After I rejected one, one pointed out, the more you talk or meet up with people they less DL you become. I was like shit that is so true. He also said his pics got stolen and his friends told him. I was like  how many discreet dudes has like 5 friends who are not only gay but on the sites/apps?

I am wondering can anyone really be discreet? Discovered craiglist last year and like it because it is straight to the point and there are less “bored” people on there. Well one guy hit up my ad and signed his name in his email. Well, I always google or facebook the name of the phone number or research any dude I meet up with if the information is available. This dude turns out to be married so indeed he was DL.  However if your information is so easily available are you trying to be discreet.

I too now wonder if I have been sloppy. I have a DL name but other than that I tell the truth about everything. But just speaking to other dudes about other dudes (they have spoken with on A4A or CL (don’t have any of the apps) it seems that the gay world is sloppy. I was in program at a college this past year and there was on gay brother in the cohort. He was mad cool, and introduced me one day to his frat brother who was new to the school but straight. Well I went on CL, and responded to an ad for a DL brother. Well, he gave his number, so I looked him up on facebook. Boom it turns out to be my gay classmates’ frat brother. This frat brother had just moved here and he and my classmate were just frat brothers, I am sure of that. To make matters worse, I was going through this guys friends list and I saw that he knew a dude from the area who I had met up with a couple months back.. That dude is definitely DL, masculine, but, he has never been to college, and the other dude just moved here so there is now way they could have met up but are now friends on facebook. I assume after hooking up. What dl dudes befriends a guy they are sleeping with on facebook? That implies realy names, etc more were given out. It is interesting this frat dude asked me if I was in a frat first and while telling me which one he was in. He told me where he went to school but he lied about his concentration but told the truth about his frat. I am like damn people are sloppy or not consistent. I mean if you told me you were a black MBA student it may be hard to figure you out but if you tell me your frat that narrows the pool even more.

Now, I feel like I am back to being paranoid. And this is not from a cheating perspective, whether I consider myself gay or bi, not everyone needs to know who I am sleeping with.  But even the “legit” dl dudes seem to either not care or are real sloppy.

My main question How does one have discreet encounters? I don’t have any DL friends, and don’t want to sleep with my friends. Married dudes tends to be “safer” but I have only met up with two dudes who were married in the past and I am trying to be a homewrecker.  What are the different levels of Dl dudes? Anyway to spot them? I agree the most sane dudes on A4A are the ones who keep it simple in their posts but others I don’t know about. I was so proud that I am not paranoid like I was 6 years ago or like some 40 year olds I have spoken to online but these encounters in the past few months makes me feel like I am regressing.

A: Good morning:

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I hope my answers to your questions help.

So you want to be discreet? The best way is to develop a sexual, fuck buddy relationship with a person who is  like minded.

Try advertising on Craigslist or Adam for something like that. Describe in detail that you are DL and want to keep it that way. There are others out there who feel the same way.

In DC there is a sex party club for DL mostly married guys. It is called The Circle and is advertised on A4a under that name. They are discreet guys who come together and freak and go back to the straight side. They even network outside of sex. There could be a similar group on your area.

Also if you want to be private as you wrote don’t associate with messy or crazy people, although this may be hard to ascertain through online ads.

Having said all this however I would like to urge you to seek a therapist and just talk and explore yourself. You seem to have extreme  feelings of shame and guilt about your sexuality.

The fact you claimed to be celibate for five years sounded troubling. Did you really mean no sex, not with women, men or masturbation?

You dabbled with men and confessed to your girl? Did you do this as an excuse to be free? Because most guys I know with girls keep their dealings with men in secrecy.

And although bisexuality exists are you really gay and not ready to express it?

Also understand once you are having sex with men you are really not DL. Being DL to me sometimes is a form of self delusion for men who are ashamed of their sexuality and want to conform to hetero society. So they trick themselves mentally by saying I’m not gay I’m just DL and dabbling on the side.

I’ve also discovered some guys get off on the cloak and dagger aspect of the DL life. The secrecy and creeping adds to the excitement of the sex

So believe me there will always be people that know your tea. Some of your friends may already know or suspect and simply don’t care because being gay or bisexual now is far less of a big deal.

So please stop obsessing about who knows whom on social media. Relax and enjoy your life. I am out in my private life and with some family but not at work. Only a few close friends even know about my blog. As you grow older I hope you learn to balance your private and public life.

Good luck and peace and blessing to you.

P.S. I will share your letter on my blog. My readers are wise and may be able to offer you better advice.


Hollywood Swinging: #blaquewednesday

I’m back in Los Angeles on business and my partner “Van” tagged along.

After a long day of work we unwinded in the gay district on Santa Monica Blvd and ran into the Blaque Wednesday Party (#blaquewednesday) hosted by Mark and Ivan.

Black gay culture in Los Angeles has been marginalized thanks to gentrification and high rent that have made it too expensive for many blacks to live here.

Mark and Ivan are trying to bring color back to an overwhelmingly white West Hollywood.

Here’s some pics from the party. We had a blast:







Ronald and the NFL Player

My friend “Ronald” says professional football is filled with gay and bisexual players and he has the stories to prove it. Here is one he told me:

Ronald was raised in Tennessee but has lived around the country because he claims he will go anywhere for a better paycheck. So several years ago he ended up in Chicago working for a shipping business.

Ronald is a rabid football fan and he and a buddy scored 50-yard line, second-row seats at a Chicago Bears game versus the Detroit Lions in the late 1990s. They sat right behind the Chicago Bears bench.

The game was boring — Detroit had an abysmal record that year and Chicago was kicking their ass. The final score was something like 31-14.

But Ronald said the real action was taking place on the sidelines.

A player kept staring at him. A tall, light-skinned black man who took off his helmet to show a head of curly hair.

“I think he is looking at you,” Ronald’s buddy said.

“Nah, he is looking at you. You are the handsome one,” Ronald kidded back.

But the player kept staring, sometimes turning his back to the field to stare at Ronald in the crowd,  and eventually he smiled at Ronald. And Ronald smiled back.

At halftime one of the trainers walked over to near where Ronald sat and motioned for him to walk over to the railing so they could talk.

“‘Andre Tyson’ said he would like to meet you. Here is a pass so you can come down to the locker room after the game,” he said, handing it to a surprised Ronald.

After the game Ronald went down to the locker room entrance and waited until Andre came out. And they talked and it soon became clear Andre wanted to hook up sexually.

He said Ronald was his type — handsome, in-shape, and masculine enough that he could take him out in mixed company and nobody would know.

Ronald said the dick was big, the sex was off the chain, and they were regular fuck buddies for several years and remain friends to this day, long after the football player retired.

Michael Sam became the first openly gay player in the NFL when the St. Louis Rams recruited him in 2014. However, he was cut from the team. He is now playing for the Canadian Football League Montreal Alouettes and debuted in his first game on August 7, 2015. This makes him the first openly gay player to play in a regular season game in Canada.

Michael Sam became the first openly gay player in the NFL when the St. Louis Rams recruited him in 2014. However, he was cut from the team. He is now playing for the Canadian Football League Montreal Alouettes and debuted in his first game on August 7, 2015. This makes him the first openly gay player to play in a regular season game in Canada.

However Ronald, who is always on the lookout for a higher paying job, took at position in Atlanta. And he said his relationship with Andre led to him hooking up with two players with the Atlanta Falcons.

One of those players even helped Ronald’s son, who plays football, get recruited by a college qateam.

What have I learned from Ronald? There are many gay or bisexual football players in the NFL.

Many are married, sometimes for show and sometimes because they really like pussy with man dick or ass on the side. They network with each other, often arranging down-low sex parties at hotels or private homes where players and their men come together and freak.

Ronald said you can get anything at these parties — cocaine, weed, pills, caviar or chicken and waffles if you asked. Sometimes black male celebrities who are on the down-low and hang with ballers would come to these parties too, Ronald said.

He rattled off the names of several of these actors. At least one was a complete surprise to me (he always plays action heroes!) but others were familiar.

That is because I have heard similar stories from other friends (Read Trey and the Hollywood Actor and Nobody in Hollywood is Gay).

So all these fuss about Michael Sam coming out was much about nothing.

Ronald said the NFL already has gay and bi men — it’s an open secret.

“If people only knew, they would be so surprised,” he said.

Despite what Ronald said very few NFL players have come out of the closet. Read this interesting Wikipedia entry to learn more.