7 Pickup Lines Guys Use on Online Hookup Sites that Turn Me Off


Dudes can say some dumb shit when trying to pick up ass or dick online. Photo courtesy of musemagonline.com.

Dudes can say some dumb shit when trying to pick up ass or dick online. Photo courtesy of musemagonline.com.

1. “What are you into?”

What I answer when they ask this: “My profile says top! Did you read it? Tops like to fuck ass. Duh!”

2. “Come fuck this phat ass!” (Usually uttered by 5’4″, 300-pound bottoms)

What I’m thinking when they write this: “I don’t feel like climbing up on that Mt. Everest of fat. Damn!”

3. “I’m here on business and in my hotel room and bored and really horny.”

What I’m thinking when they write this: “So I’m supposed to just drop everything and run over because you are visiting Baltimore and need entertainment?”

4. “White bottom here.” (Usually written by older, out-of-shape white men)

What I’m thinking when I read this: “Like just because you are white I’m supposed to run over there and fuck you?”

5. “That’s a big dick there! Can I have it?”

What I’m thinking when I read  this: “Uhhh, that’s obvious. I said it was 9.5 inches in the profile. Can you say something more original? And just because you want a big dick doesn’t mean you are going to get mine.”

See this black guy laughing. That's how I look reading the bullshit guys post. Photo courtesy of musedmagonline.com.

See this black guy laughing. That’s how I look reading the bullshit guys post. Photo courtesy of musedmagonline.com.

6. “I want that dick raw.”

What I’m thinking when I read this: “Hell naw! I’m not trying to order syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and herpes with a side order of piping hot gonorrhea.”

7. “I’m a married guy just looking for a regular fuck buddy.”

What I’m thinking when I read that: “So I’m supposed to sit around and wait for when your DL ass is free to get some dick! Keep that shit moving and go to a bathhouse.”

 

 

Q: Readers, are there pick-up lines you hate?

20 thoughts on “7 Pickup Lines Guys Use on Online Hookup Sites that Turn Me Off

  1. I *hate* it when grown men hit me up saying, “Yummy!” It’s extremely common (I guess I’m very yummy??) but the only thing that would make my meat shrink and my balls retract into my torso more than “Yummy!” would be a picture of my grandma naked. Least sexy word in the world.

    • Cool Top yes!!! I hate the term “yummy” too. Like, what the fuck do you think I am? A gummie bear? A slice of cake? A side of beef? Plus it sounds so girly coming from a dude. If a bottom hits me up using that term several impressions come to mind. This person is way fem and probably eats a lot because they are fixated on food. Next time somebody hits you up using it check out their stats or photos. I bet they are a heavyset bottom.

  2. I hate when dudes ask, are me and my daughter twins, or sister. She is darker than i am 16yrs old looking 12. Shorter than i am and cuter than i am and a better shape? Turn off!!

  3. I hate those two Damonjay. That job question almost always is a dude trying to find a boyfriend or sugar daddy. Is your neighborhood safe? If you not man enough to be aware of your surroundings you should stay home. Because crime happens everywhere.

  4. I’m happily married to my hubby for over 10 years and I’m way out of practice.

    Care to share any pickup lines that worked really well? Or would that that be giving tricks of the trade to the trolls that you’d never want to hook up with?

    So glad I don’t have to worry about any of this sh*t anymore!

    • PDQ the line that works: “Read your profile and liked what I read and saw. Can we talk further and see if there is a match?” Now that’s how a man approaches another man online.

  5. To each, his own. But I get instantly turned off when they say stuff like “No fems”, “no fats”, n’ stuff like that. Or, like, on A4A, I’ll try to start a legit convo and it only leads to “Damn, yo’ pics got me on hard”, or “When you gon’ come through and get this?”. -_- I remember one time, this dude was like “Yeah, I’m just lonely in my hotel room I need someone to keep warm”… TF? How do YOU need someone to keep warm? Smh. Online hookups are always hit-or-miss for me.

    -_Cogito

  6. Mine that I hate is “you got dick sucking lips” … I’m like really man that is the 1st thing that comes to mind, I know what me lips are butt you will never know how they feel wrapped around your dick.

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