Gay Relationships: Is everybody having their cake and eating it too?

It seems like every gay couple I know, even ones who are married or in long-term relationships, play with others. So should we change our definition of a committed relationship?

It seems like every gay couple I know, even ones who are married or in long-term relationships, play with others. So should we change our definition of a committed relationship? Photo courtesy of

Some of my friends say I am intuitive or possibly psychic. You probably didn’t know it but I read palms. And I’m very accurate.

So after I fucked “West” on a day off from work last week I got this feeling of absolute knowing about him. And no, it wasn’t butterflies in my stomach from the lovemaking, which was serviceable but nothing to write home about.

“Where is your lover,” I asked.

West, a slender brown-skinned, middle-aged guy with shaved head and a 10-inch uncut dick that had swung between his legs as I pounded him doggy style, looked surprised and paused a moment before he spoke.

“Do you want a story or the whole truth.”

“The full truth.”

And then he told me. He has been in a relationship for 10 years. They married about three years ago. He and his husband have a mortgage, a dog, a nice bank account, and three adorable adopted children all under age 12.

West loves his man to death and would never leave him. They click on so many levels and look out for each other. But in the bedroom things are just so-so.

“He is a white man in a black man’s body,” West said. “No rhythm in his fucking.”

So when West, who often tops, wants a good fuck-down he looks outside of his relationship and lines up dick on the sly. Which isn’t difficult because his job requires him to work at different sites around the state.

“I like what I like,” he said without a trace of guilt.

West’s solution to his relationship’s shortcomings is not unusual in the gay world. I know so many committed, long-term relationships where the partners have sex with other people.

Sometimes the other partner doesn’t know or sometimes the two work out an arrangement. And sometimes each sides knows but don’t talk about it, kind of like a “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” rule.

This sex outside of a relationship thing is so common I think every gay couple in the DMV is doing it.

It’s gotten so bad I have a friend who has fucked two men in a relationship separately.

The  partners don’t know they are having sex with the same outside squeeze. In fact, they all socialize with each other. I would love to be at a cocktail party with all three and watch the maneuvering.

Yesterday “Van,” the man I date, and I were at Home Depot in Glen Burnie. This interracial gay couple was there. They had their daughter with them, a cute little mixed race girl with brown ringlets.

They looked like the epitome of a modern gay family but appearances can be deceiving. They are not the Cosby’s.

“You know Van, those guys have a profile on line. The white guy is a top and likes to see the black guy get fucked. But the black dude is not averse to getting dick on the side without his man.”

How do I know this? They have both hit me up online. Separately.

It seems this open relationship thing works. As I have written before, San Francisco State University surveyed 556 gay male couples and found half had sex outside of the relationship with the knowledge of their partner.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say in this blog is monogamy just might not work in the gay world for most people and we need to change the definition of what a relationship truly is.

I mean, we are men and men like sex and the thrill of hunting down and getting something new. So why not have your cake and eat it, too, as long as everybody plays safely and you give your relationship the priority?




23 thoughts on “Gay Relationships: Is everybody having their cake and eating it too?

    • LOL Damonjay. You are not a “ho,” you are being honest. And I’m dating now and in an open relationship. I don’t have a problem with it as long as all sides are honest and respectful and secure about it. If the straight world was more like gay men we wouldn’t have all these couples fighting on Jerry Spring and Maury!

  1. A. As far as an “association” with a man, woman or child goes, any relationship (be it between friends, between father and daughter, mother and daughter, husband and wife, etc.) needs the 5 Cs:
    1. Compromise: They need to be able to compromise on their legitimate interests.
    2. Communication: They need to be able to communicate about their wants, needs, hopes, fears, aspirations, etc. This includes not just “what” but “how” and “when” to communicate. And communication includes listening and not just “saying” or “writing” or “sending”. Some things are best said by email and others by snail mail, telephone call, text message, etc. So the mode of communication is important. This is the most important C. Poor communication tends to lead to a poor relationship. No communication tends to lead to no relationship. (And the corollary is also true: Poor communication tends to lead to a poor relationship and a poor relationship tends to lead to no relationship.) It is through communication that the other Cs are realized. Compromise is made. Commitment is shown. Companionship is had and cash is dealt with clearly, compatibly and appropriately.
    3. Commitment: They need to be concerned with and about each other and sufficiently dedicated/devoted to each other and the relationship. This involves accountability, faithfulness, loyalty, attentiveness, diligence and effort.
    4. Companionship: They need to enjoy each other’s company.
    5. Cash: They need to be clear, cool and compatible on issues concerning money.
    When the 5 Cs are “added”, they add up to compatibility. What do you think of the 5 Cs?

    B. But I find that men (gay, straight and bisexual–look at Hugh Heffner a straight man and founder of Playboy, for example) typically have as their Alpha and Omega four things: 1. Looks: How you look from the neck up. 2. Body: How you look from the neck down. 3. Sex/sex appeal: Whether the sex is good and whether you are sexually alluring. (I called this the “erection test”. That is, it’s whether he thinks he will enjoy having sex with you.) And 4. Youth: Generally, the younger the better. And of course, there is the exception of number 5. Money. If you have enough money, then that can substitute for one, some or all of the other four. And the four things add up to sex. A relationship cannot last on sex.

    Now men can be faithfull, but relationships are harder for men. Why? One word: Testosterone. It’s testosterone that makes men grow beards, get larger penises in their teen years, help make men grow muscles, get lower voices in their teen years, etc. Once “etc” is the male sex drive. I say that “Men wake up in the morning with an erection and spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what to do with it.” And there is a lot of truth to that statement. Relationships are about the 5 Cs, but for many men, there’s no compromise. It’s my way or the high-way. Communication is central to any relationship but men are notoriously poor communicators. And many men are loath to reveal “to much” about themselves because it may display a weakness. (One woman once told another that complained about he husband not revealing his emotions to her: “Don’t you know honey, men only have thee emotions: hungry, horny and angry.” And there’s a lot of truth to that.) When it comes to commitment, men are often committed to their next orgasm/nut. They want to bust a nut, then it time to go or time for you to go so they can go forth and bust nuts with some other man or woman. And there’s a lot of truth to that.. When it come to companionship, often for men, there is no companionship—only sex.

    C. Women are different than men. It is said that “Two lesbians move in together after the second date.” With gay men, there is often not a second date. Why not? Well, if you don’t have sex with him and since his desire was for sex, he see’s no need to come back to you when you (be you a top or a bottom) was a “dry hole” and didn’t give him what he wanted. On the other hand, since his desire is for sex, if you give him sex on the first date, there is also no need to return because he got what he wanted and now he can go have sex with the next man. So either way, it’s one date and no more. And there is a lot of truth to that.

    No, it should be understood that lesbians have NO websites like or, which some consider to be hook-up sites. And lesbians have no “bathhouses” like in “The Steamworks” Berkeley, Seattle and elsewhere where many/some men go for times of anonymous sex. And it should be understood that 50 % of relationships between gay men are “open” relationships—and probably more if you count the ones where one or both parties doesn’t know that the other party has it open on his end. It’s not uncommon for gay guys to go to sex parties or for gay couples to “play” together. It is uncommon for lesbians to go to sex parties or for lesbian couple to have joint sex with another person or persons. A gay man in a relationship wanting outside sex can often easily go on the Internet or to a bathhouse and “cheat”. Cheating is tolerated among gays much more than in the community at large. And for these reasons relationships between gay men are more difficult to sustatian that between two lesbians or between a man and a woman.

    D. So with the qualities needed fpr relationships being different from the qualities needed or desired for sex and with men being different than women, it makes sense that how gay men couples treat sex and relationships would be different than how heterosexual couples treat sex and relationships. Therefore, 50% of gay couples have open relationships. I think that relationships (including marriages) should be built/designed for the people of the relationship so that it fits them–not their parents, friends, relatives or others.

    • Nice comment Dean and very thoughtful. Thanks for taking the time to write it. I think you are absolutely right — relationships and marriages have to be built around the people in them so it fits them. I don’t know much about lesbians but I do know straight couples that go to sex parties (swingers) and have threesomes. As far as gay folks, whatever arrangements two guys work out with each other is fine by me and there business. However, like you said there must be commitment and communication!

  2. I think West is selfish. If he is not happy sexually, then he should have learned about his partner sexual tastes, and had conversations about sexual likes and dislikes before saying ‘I do.’
    If he is in a good marriage, then he should view it as a blessing, and understand that sex in a marriage is a very small percentage of it, particularly once children are introduced. You ‘play’ and have fun sexually with many partners before settling down, or, opt to never settle down or get married. (Nothing wrong with being single. As adults we are responsible for our own futures and happiness.) Marriage says a decision has been made, that among a variety of possible sexual partners and companions that ‘this person is best for me.’ If sex is important in a relationship, learn early on what the other person like and does not like, what his limits are and aren’t. Be honest about what your likes are and aren’t and what your limits are and aren’t. HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases have not gone anywhere and many people who carry them are not even aware they have them. This can bring up another problem that someone uninfected might have to live with. It is a…gamble. Yes, a sexually active person can have Hep A/B and HPV vaccinations. etc. as a precaution, and are a good idea.
    You stay in a long term relationship because despite set backs, some conflict, some need for ‘space,’ and some difference in the personalities between the two involved the relationship, the connection is still a good one.

    • Eric, what you are saying is good in theory but in practice is harder to attain. I applaud couples who value monogamy and make it work. However, I know several couples that are very happy and play together and apart (myself included).

      • So is remaining a single guy with ‘fuck buddies’ perhaps the best option for you and perhaps many others? Nothing wrong with that, you know.

      • Eric, generally, men can relate to other men in four ways: 1. Hook-up–sex but no companionship. 2. Friendship–companionship but no sex. 3. Friend with benefits–companionship and sex but the sex is not exclusive and 4. Relationship–companionship (generally on a heightened basis) and sex (generally on an exclusive basis). So it’s friends with benefits that allows you to have companionship and sex–not serial hook-ups. Friends with benefits allows you to have intimacy (physical, sexual, psychological) with less worry about catching an STD–unlike hook-ups. Your friend is unlikely to give you an STD just so he can bust a nut.

    • Eric sex is a major part of marriage with two adults. Unfortunately two men can’t have children with each other but if sex was not a major part there would be no pro creation. A healthy sex life always makes a healthy marriage. Most divorces are because of cheating. And i said most not all. If the sex is Satisfying at home more then likely a person wont creep out unless they have a sex
      addiction which most men do gay or straight.
      My thing is before the kids and before the ring make sure your partner can satisfy u in every way. I notice gay men now and days are trying to be very lady like when it comes to sex, when men and woman are two totally different creatures especially when it comes it comes to sex. Just because they look good
      dont mean they can satisfy u and entise u. I havnt met a man yet who doesnt think about sex 23 hours of the day, gay, straight, nerdy, Christian, or muslim. So make sure ur man satisfy u in every way before jumping that broom and adding kids to the equation.


      • Speaking Truth,
        Healthy individuals make healthy marriages. Sick
        (emotionally and psychologically ill) people make dysfunctional relationships. Since you are a man, and sex is important to you, you will demand it at will, how and when you like to be happy in a relationship. Thanks fine.
        Many relationships break up due to financial stress. Cheating, yes, is somewhere on that break up list, too.

        ‘My thing is before the kids and before the ring make sure your partner can satisfy u in every way.’
        So you are looking for another grown up to satisfy you in every way? How about make changes in one’s life so that you can make YOURSELF happy? That too is part of adulthood.

        “I notice gay men now and days are trying to be very lady like when it comes to sex, when men and woman are two totally different creatures especially when it comes it comes to sex.”
        Hopefully they are being a bit more Cautious because HIV KILLS. It is not a pretty virus.

        I am trying to read into your response about what YOU expect
        in a relationship – good sex being pretty high up there. Yes, I agree you should make sure a partner is happy sexually, to decrease his likelihood of ‘creeping’ I hear you about getting what is needed at home and giving and offering what a partner wants sexually so they don’t have to get it in the street (outside the home). A relationship is working through problems together, being patient with each other and allowing the person to be himself inside the relationship. What I am confused that if all that I mentioned is happening in a relationship, why the need for third and fourth parties
        (meaning other sexual partners)? Explain that.

  3. First off Where the hell you been at
    Second this is why i will be single until I find the man who wants only me. I mean come on I do everything that my man ask for except threesomes. I mean come on am I not enough. Like my ex fantasy was to see me get fuck by someone else. I am like really. So im good their has to be one man out there who is all about me and me only





    • Tinsel thanks for your comment! I’m just living in a reality. Some people have monogamous relationships and some don’t. Mankind is varied. Different colors, hair textures, shapes and sizes. One type of relationship does not fit all.

  5. I’m a little confused. You seem to be advocating for honest, healthy open relationships. The first story you use to illustrate this is about a man you had sex with who was cheating on his husband with you. I’m all for open relationships. I was once in one myself and had no problem with it. I do find that some advocates market as a panacea when its simply another option that has its pros and cons as well as monogamy does. I worry that a lot of heart ache is being caused by people not thoughtfully entering open relationships because they were told all about the good parts of open relationships and none of its challenges.

  6. Im sorry but I’m not with it. I’ll fuck ya man if you cool with it but your not fucking mines. I think the term of men just like having sex is an excuse. Woman like having sex just as much. The thing about gay men it’s just like your tittle say. They want their cake and eat it to. I think companions should be the proper term. Because all you there for is company. They don’t need you for sex because they can get it anywhere and you gave them permission to do it.

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