Okay readers, since I did the 7 Kinds of Black Bottoms I had to do Tops too, right. Like the bottom entry I wrote this in jest (well, kinda sorta). If any Top you know is like one of these seven types the similarity was purely coincidental.
The Daddy Top
He is usually a middle-aged man who has an obsession with younger, tight bodies. Maybe the Daddy Top is going through mid-life crisis and these young men help recapture a part of his youth. Or maybe he is not as successful as he should be at his stage of life or is emotionally insecure and naive young bottoms looking for a Daddy figure are the only ones he can bullshit into giving him some ass. They often choose careers where they have access to young people, such as high school teachers, counselors, and sports coaches.
Sexual habits: They are partial to slender, in-shape guys or the feminine crowd. Some use sex with younger men to compensate for all the control they lack in real life. So many like to dominate their partners. “Get on your knees and suck this dick, you little bitch,” “You like Daddy’s dick, don’t you?” and “Call me Daddy” are common expressions they use during sex. Although not necessary pedophiles, their craving for young ass can sometimes have a devastating legal and financial impact on their lives. Remember Bishop Eddie Long?
Natural Habitat: The gym, high school sports events, church, bars and clubs where young gay men gather.
The Stick-It-In Tops
These are usually straight-identified men who have been curious about gay sex so decide to try it. They simply want to go in, get their nutt, and get back to girlfriend or the wifey as soon as they can. Or they can be gay men who just have poor lovemaking skills, perhaps because they have a big dick or are extremely handsome so never really had to work to get ass.
Sexual Habits: They are usually so horny and pent-up they don’t care who they fuck, as long as it’s a warm ass. Fat, short, skinny or lame they don’t care. They don’t kiss, they don’t eat ass. They just want to lay back and let the bottom suck their dick and get them hard. Then they stick it in and fuck and get their nutt. Did the bottom get his nutt, too? They don’t give a fuck. Their target of choice: low self-esteem bottoms grateful for some dick or bottoms who get off on pulling some “straight” dick.
Natural Habitat: The office, gym, straight clubs and bars, sports bars, gay clubs.
The Husband Top
They are really looking for the ONE. That handsome, well-rounded bottom they can come home to, tell all about their day, and have a home cooked meal. Sometimes the husband top comes from a culture where traditional male/female roles are the norm (I notice many are Caribbean or African). Or he may have transitioned from the straight to gay world and wants to duplicate the type of relationships he had with women. Or he is not into endless hookups and recreational sex and really savor an emotional bond.
Sexual habits: They are usually into sensuous, romantic good sex, at least at the beginning of a relationship. They also like it on a regular basis…like every Friday night right after work. But the danger is they fall into a boring sexual routine or have less sex if the relationship grows stale. The Husband Top is also more prone to sitting on his ass in front of the flat screen and gaining weight, just like many of his straight, married counterparts.
Natural Habitat: Church, online hook-up sites where they advertise for relationships, house parties, sporting events.
The Gym Top (aka Muscle Tops)
Like the gym bottom, these dudes are looking for extremely well-built bottoms. They work out a lot and keep their bodies in shape, and think their sex partners should try to at least keep up the pace.
Sexual habits: They are sometimes into a lot of wrestling before they get down to the business of fucking. This gives them a chance to really admire and check out their partner’s bodies. Massage oil is essential during foreplay, all the more to get their muscles glistening and more well defined. A word of caution — don’t be surprised if they have a smaller dick or can’t carry a conversation. You see, the muscles sometime compensate for what is lacking in other departments.
Natural Habit: The gym, sporting events, the Penn Relays and Blatino Oasis.
The Tops Who Like Other Tops
They may be tired of banging out thirsty bottoms and want to take a break by getting together with another top who is into some mutual making out and oral.
Sexual habits: They advertise on online hookup websites as tops but are always hitting up other tops, especially ones that show big dick shots. They give the best head, better than many bottoms, because they really like dick. They may team up with another top to threesome because they get off watching another dude tear up some ass. Or they may secretly want to bottom but can’t get up the nerve or are afraid they will mess up their stud reputation. So during the threesome they live vicariously through the bottom. There are also some Tops Who Like Other Tops who get a thrill from making guys who identify as tops flip and bottom for them. Because everyone knows tops have the best ass, right?
Natural Habitat: Gyms, bath houses, sex parties, online.
The Feminine Top
He is so trendy and effeminate you think he is a bottom or at least a verse. That is until you get him in the bedroom.
Sexual habits: Feminine tops often have big dicks. And believe me they know how to use them. Don’t be fooled by all that swishing and his designer man bag and manicured nails. He will fuck you into next week then get on Twitter to brag to the “girls” about how he made you bitch out for his dick.
Natural Habitat: Clothing stores, beauty parlors, Gay Pride Parades and events, fashion shows.
The Delusional Top
This is a man ashamed of being gay and thinks bragging to the world that he is a big macho top will deflect from what he really wants to do — bottom or be versatile.
Sexual habitats: They brag that they throw good sex but the sex is often lackluster. They will top you a few times but then around the second or third session they will show their true colors by asking you to finger their hole while you suck their dick and to eat their ass out. Before you know it you will be fucking them more than they fuck you. But shhhhh! Don’t tell their buddies. It would blow his cover.