Okay readers I wrote this in jest (well, kinda sorta). If any bottom you know is like one of these seven types the similarity was purely coincidental. Oh, and check out the 7 Kinds of Black Tops too.
The Church Bottom
He never misses Wednesday night Bible study or Sunday morning and evening service. But trust and believe you will find him in the club on Friday and the sex party on Saturday night, although he has to leave before 11 p.m. so he can be rested for morning worship. He tends to dress well but a little too flamboyantly — colorful bow ties, plaid or pastel suits and color-coordinated socks.
Sexual habits: They usually tend toward the femme side and insist on masculinity in their men. They like to spoil their men with home-cooked meals and shopping trips to get them new suits and shoes (for church service, of course). They are freaks in bed (all that frustration from having to live righteously for the rest of the week) but tend to feel guilty afterward because they are certain fornication outside of marriage is a sin. But since they tend to flock to conservative, homophobic churches marriage is out of the question. They secretly crush on the minister and head of the deacon board.
Natural Habitat: Choir rehearsals, Kirk Franklin concerts, usher board meetings, all-you-can-eat buffets like Golden Corral after church service, and COGIC conventions.
The Gym Bottom
He has a great body and knows it. You will catch him at the gym Monday night, Tuesday morning, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday afternoons. He only takes breaks on Friday night to hang out with friends and Sunday to nap. He obsesses over his waist size, bicep size and weight and with eating low-carb, low-fat, high protein foods and wheat grass smoothies.
Sexual habits: Mostly gym bottoms are into other muscular guys. But if they can’t find a muscular dude a big dick will do. Oftentimes they are selfish lovers who think because they have Adonis bodies you must worship them. But ironically some gym bottoms are more likely to be into raw, high risk piggy sex or into using drugs. You have to balance all that healthy living with some bad habits, right?
Natural Habitat: The gym, health food stores, marathons, vitamin shops, the Penn Relays and Blatino Oasis.
The Masculine Bottom
He prides himself on being unclockable and will take a traditionally masculine job (construction worker, drug dealing, cable installer, business owner) to mask any hint of his sexuality. Most of his friends swear he is a top and he gets hit on by bottoms and women all the time. But he likes to keep the fact he likes riding dick on the down-low.
Sexual habits: It takes him forever to get a sex partner because he is picky. The dude has to be straight acting because there is no way he is going to let a queen ride his back. He also wants to make sure the person is discreet because he doesn’t want to let his business get out. On sex hookup websites and apps he will advertise as a top or verse top who “will take dick when and if the vibe is right.” Secretly he is ashamed of being gay and will date women or even claim he is bisexual to cover. He will surprise you in bed — that deep voice will turn soprano when he gets some good dick.
Natural Habitat: Straight bars, road or building construction sites, Little Wayne concerts, the gym, the corporate boardroom, sporting events, PTA meetings, amateur sports leagues, WCW wrestling matches, city council meetings and prison.
The Neo Dandy Bottom
He wears all the latest fashions. No matter how large he is the clothes will be tailored and fitted tightly. He lives and breathes for the latest issue of GQ and Vogue and Beyonce is his God. Talk about her and you might get cut. Beware because Neo Dandy Bottoms may be more flash than substance. These are types who will put off paying rent or buying groceries so they can get that $495 Gucci messenger bag.
Sexual habits: Like the church bottom he insists his man be masculine. In fact, some like the thug type and pride themselves on pulling straight dudes. However, others favor the bohemian, artsy crowd and are not averse to dating older white men, especially those who are well-connected and can get them into the latest art exhibits or exclusive lounges or help them catch up on rent in exchange for a blow job. Sex with them tends to be so-so. They don’t like to get too sweaty or rough.
Natural Habitat: Art galleries, book signings, high-end designer stores, exclusive restaurants, Atlanta, and circuit parties such as Sizzle.
Party Bottoms (aka Power Bottoms)
They never miss a sex party and there is never enough dick to satisfy them. In fact, if you are hosting a sex party they will call ahead to make sure you have a lot of tops so they don’t waste their time. They tend to be attractive and in good shape, but not so obsessive about fitness like gym bottoms.
Sexual habits: They all share a fantasy of being gang banged by a bunch of big-dick tops. Many of them have lived it. They can be very nice guys but don’t try to date them unless you want an open relationship. Because you may sling dick well but you will never be enough for them.
Natural Habitat: Sex parties, bath houses, truck stops, outdoor cruise spots.
The Over-the-Hill Bottom
When they were young they were the shit. Everybody was trying to get into that ass. But they didn’t keep up their game. As that got older they didn’t keep that body in shape or cultivate new friends or try to act their age. They are old faggots still playing young faggot tricks. Yet they still think they are the bomb.
Sexual habits: They tend to like rough trade and thugs and younger dudes and are not averse to paying them for their services or hiring escorts. To attract men they tend to dress too young for their age or too flashy and may resort to makeup and plastic surgery. Sadly they can be domestic violence victims or more prone to being robbed or assaulted or taken advantage of financially because they tolerate more to keep younger dick.
Natural Habitat: Gay bars (they tend to be the first there and the last to leave and will get loud or irate if you sit on their usual stool) or house parties where never bring a dish but try to eat all the food and drink all the liquor.
The Feminine Bottom
They tread the fine line between being gay black men and being transgendered. They like to grow their hair long or wear extensions and have a larger collection of fuck-me-pumps and lingerie than a Playboy model. They can also walk in high heels better than Naomi Campbell.
Sexual habits: If you can get past the femininity they make some of the best and most loyal lovers around. They are freaky and love to get their lovers off. They live for dick and know how to treat it. The only drawbacks are that they tend to refer to their assholes as “boi pussy” and repeatedly make the irritating claim their love boxes get naturally wet, just like real pussy (it’s the lube honey! It’s the lube!).
Natural habitats: Department store cosmetics counters and high-end designer stores, beauty shops, fashion shows, drag balls, and Gay Pride parades.