The Ghost of Lovers Past

Photo courtesy of

Photo courtesy of

Last month I was sitting in my doctor’s office, waiting to have a back pain issue checked out, listening to music on my headphones to pass the time. And I had a waking dream so vivid it was like it was real.

I was an old man, sitting on a sofa with somebody’s head cradled in my lap. And I looked down and it was my ex lover, “Morgan.” He was older and frail and clearly ill. I caressed the stubble on his chin and cheeks and looked into his eyes, which were still a warm brown.

“I told you I would come back to you when you needed me,” I said.

I’m not lying. The very second I said that in the dream my cellphone buzzed, breaking me out of the trance. I looked down at the caller ID and it was “Morgan.”

I picked it up.

“Hey Morgan, what’s up?”

“I’m at Founding Farmers, that restaurant you like. What do you order here?”

It seemed a stupid reason to call me. Like an excuse just to make contact. But I stayed polite.

“It’s a great restaurant and everything there is good. I think I ordered a sandwich with prosciutto ham and cheese.”


“Okay, see ya Morgan.”

I waited a few minutes. And I sent him a text. “You know its funny. I was just thinking about you and you called.”

“Something said call Immanuel,” he answered.

“LOL well at least we still have some connection.”

“I always do that with people I am emotionally attached to,” he responded.

Morgan was the first man I really loved and no matter the circumstances of the breakup I guess we will always be connected.

Sometimes I will do something that I want to brag to somebody about and think, “Wow, I should tell Morgan this.” But then I remember I can’t call because we are not lovers and really not even friends.

When I can’t go to sleep at night I can hug a pillow and pretend I am snuggling up against his broad back and doze right off. And I can still fantasize about having sex with him or watching him have sex with someone else and get aroused.

Every so often he will text. About two months ago he called me. I could tell from the background noise he was driving.

“I miss you. I think about you all the time,” he said.

He is a stoic man at times. He once told me he prided himself on being like Spock from Star Trek. The half Vulcan/half human who always kept his emotions in check. So I know how hard it is for Morgan to say that.

If only he had been more demonstrative when we were together. Maybe. Maybe…

I pause slightly before answering.

“I think about you, too,” I say, quietly.  And I quickly get off the phone.

Morgan has also said he could have communicated better when we were partners. And that he is an enigma. But I answer that he is not a mystery at all. That he was pretty easy to figure out, at least for me.

I just wish Morgan would figure himself out.






21 thoughts on “The Ghost of Lovers Past

  1. Oh…can I have a follow up question?

    If he is a “Stoic” man, who keeps his emotions in check, and is guarded with them. Has been upfront that he could have been more communicative with you. He’s not an enigma to you. You understand him and has figured him out; and he knows that you know these things about him. Isn’t that a form of honesty?

    The only thing left is the mutual respect. Do yo feel like still today he doesn’t have respect for you? Well he respects your choices in food enough to call your butt, about what to order. There is some form of respect there…some. The only thing left is your respect for him, and only you can control that.

    Now God knows I have put my foot in my mouth about your…personal reveals, but can’t you get to a place now, when you can call each other without it being, um…awkward?

  2. wow…you are still on each others minds but you cannot be friends?…..sometimes that is the hardest thing whatever it is between you…. hope you work it out….the only man that I loved and loved me like you and Morgan could not even be friends because even the sound of his voice turned me on and I did the same thing for him…..I miss him

  3. Man. Being friends with the exes. Ideal, I know . . . but. The sexual tension has always kind of made its way to the forefront with me. Neutral Sexual Territory is hard to come by. That said.

    Are you still attracted to him? The story of you two getting together was pretty hot, man. Stories I know you know because you wrote them.

    The thing that seems to sum it up best for the is by Liz Phair.

    It’s harder to be friends than lovers / You shouldn’t try to mix the two
    If you do it and you’re still unhappy/ Then you you know that the problem is you.
    Check it out. Pretty much sums it up. Take care Immanuel. Werd.

    • Great song. Great lyrics. True lyrics. Thanks for sharing. Often things seen in rearview mirrors look better than they actually are. Apply that to my situation.

  4. “When I can’t go to sleep at night I can hug a pillow and pretend I am snuggling up against his broad back and doze right off.”

    This^ right here was so cute and romantic. Makes me wish I had a man.

  5. Immanuel I had to look for a blog that I knew you wrote concerning my situation. I recently broke up and then got involved with a great openly out gay professional black man who has been nothing but awesome, if I can use such a word. I hadn’t really dealt with my true feelings for my ex boyfriend. Well long story short, me and my ex have talked and yes the feelings are still there strongly man, he was my first true love I was honest and told him I met someone on a whim, he says I should be true to this relationship since gay black relationships are rare, I however am still madly in love with him, yes we’ve had our share of pitfuls but we both have admitted there is a strong connection between us but I feel I’ve fucked up because now I have brought this sweet guy into my life and I now it’s not fair to him. I hated seeing my ex because the love we shared was magical yet there was issues, and the disappointment on his face tears me up.

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