The Problem with the Man I Date


Photo courtesy of Mused Magazine.

Photo courtesy of Mused Magazine.

The man I date is so attentive all I have to do is mention I ran out of laundry detergent and he will run out the door to Costco and get me the super-sized bottle of Arm and Hammer.

The man I date is so caring that when I came down with a nasty case of strep throat in February he visited every night after work, made me a hot cup of cold and flu medicine, and cuddled next to me in bed despite the fact I could have been contagious.

The man I date is so freaky that I can go on Adam4Adam, get a third guy to come over, and surprise him by having the hookup walk in the bedroom stark naked. The man I date won’t miss a beat. A hot threesome immediately jumps off.

“The thing I love about you Immanuel is that you are so adventuresome,” he will say.

So what’s the problem? Well, “Van” is a little on the feminine side.

It’s in the way he talks with his hands sometimes. The way his voice can get a little too high and soft.

Really, he can’t help it. He was raised mostly in the Pacific Northwest around white people and although he has solid black roots he still kinda talks like a teenage white boy. He just doesn’t have that East Coast edge. That swagger.

When we go out in public folks know we are a gay couple. You can’t finesse it with him. Van tells me all the time about “straight” men who approach him on the Metro, on the street, in the grocery store. That rarely happens to me, probably because I don’t have a rainbow-hued gay aura floating around me like Van does.

I know I have written in blog posts in the past (read the Masculine Mystique from 2010) that black gay men need to accept of our more feminine brothers. We need to drop all this preoccupation with masculinity, which is really just another way to be down-low.

Because really Van is very confident and comfortable with himself.He is successful, owns his own home, and has a business on the side.

Its ME that has the problem. This is something I need to work on.

One day I screwed up my courage and talked to Van about it. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I had to let him know that some of his actions in public made me flinch.

“You know ‘Van’ you are a really nice man,” I said. “But you are softer than I usually prefer.”

“Yeah, I know I’m kinda soft,” he answered.

I paused and really thought before I spoke, something I rarely do. “Hey Van, just keep being yourself. I can’t change you. You have to be yourself.”

And honestly, no man you date will ever live up to all your unrealistic expectations. I’m far from perfect myself. So I guess Van will be hanging around for awhile while we continue to discover each other.

14 thoughts on “The Problem with the Man I Date

    • He knows it exists and I have shown him an entry or two. But he respects that this is my space and creative outlet. And he’ll if he read this entry I don’t care. This is exactly how I feel and think.

    • Black Nudist Male it’s still an adjustment for me. He is not way feminine…He dresses conservatively. It’s just certain mannerisms. And I’m realizing I am reacting to them because of how I have been conditioned that men must act. Whether this will be a stumbling block remains to be seen.

  1. Awwwwww i wish i had a guy who understand me like you with van. I am not flamboyant, but i been told by tops that i should know my role. Im like we are both men. Just because you are the top doesnt mean im not a man at the end of the day.

  2. Aww. That is a nice ending (so far). Way to look beyond your own prejudices and see him for the caring man that he is. He obviously loves your ass, man, which is a good start.

  3. I know what you mean man. Sometimes you want to go out and not be stared at with the…..”Oooh look at that gay couple” stare. Let’s be honest, masculinity is attractive. So don’t beat yourself up for liking what you like. Where we make people feel bad is when we turn it into something hierarchical. Masc over Fem. It’s safe to say, society (subconsciously) ranks masculinity higher than femininity. These societal norms and labels have definitely carried over into the gay community. Those who are masculine or “unclockable” pride themselves in it. Fem men like masc bruhs too. It’s a stereotype that’s perpetuated due to preference/attraction. I for one love an unclockable brotha. Nevertheless, YOU recognized it enough to stop yourself from trying to change Van over one “preference”. Kudos to you Immanuel.

    • Ulikemydick you hit it on the nail. Masculinity is attractive. If you want fem get a woman although I know dudes who love fem guys (which is another blog entry in itself). However the demand for masculine is so great you run into guys who try to perpetrate but can’t keep the act up. Yeah I prefer masculine but Van has many good points. And it’s only certain things he does that are fem. One thing I don’t like is he greets every guy who glances at him. I’m not jealous but he comes across as a thirsty gay man looking for prey. Most straight dudes don’t do that.

  4. I dont like overly fem dudes but i dont mind my bottoms being a little fem because it works in the bed. But i wont fuck with a fem top because there is a fantasy that come along with sex. I dont like overly dominant masculine verse dudes because i dont like fucking those types. So we all have our types and thumbs up to u for stepping out the box.

    • Yes, everybody has their types. I know straight up masculine dudes who only mess with people who are transgender and other dudes that prefer feminine bottoms. And vice versa. Sexuality is a very various thing LOL.

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