Immanuel’s Guide to Deciphering Personal Ads

Personal ads on Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Grindr and other sex hook up websites have a lingo all their own. You just have to know how to read them, how to decipher them.

Because people will tell you all about themselves. All you gotta do is read between the lines.

Here’s some terms and phrases I have run across and what they really mean:

Anything Goes: Just a fun way of saying I like raw sex and am HIV positive.

Ass shots: I don’t care if you say you are a top. If you post a photo of your ass you probably give up ass too!

This guy advertises as a top on Adam4Adam. So why have your fat booty and asshole showing in your profile picture?

Average: Guys who describe themselves as “average” are usually overweight or out-of-shape. Weighing 240 pounds and having a 42-inch waist is not average — it’s bigger-than-a-muthafucka. I love my big brothers — nothing wrong with them. Just realize the person who says average in an advertisement might not look like what you expect.

This guy described himself as average. He is heavy.

Body builder: A lot of guys who claim they are body builders are really fat dudes with big arms. They think big arms mean muscular. Nah. Don’t think so. So don’t let this description fool you. Also real body builders usually only like to fuck around with people who are active, athletic or take care of themselves. So if you are average or fat don’t waste your time hitting them up online.

Real Body Builder. Photo courtesy of

Conservative: Another way of saying you are in the closet or don’t like hanging with feminine, obviously gay guys.

Discreet or DL: These dudes are either married to a women or dating a female and messing around or married or in a partnership with a dude and messing around. Oftentimes these profiles will not have a photo. Go and have sex with them if you want but realize they may have baggage. For more information read Immanuel’s Guide to Down-Low Brothers.

Looking for generous men or Love to shop: This is just a broke-ass escort too lazy to put up an advertisement. Stupid young boys who think their ass or dick is special also write bullshit like this. They don’t know good ass and dick often comes free.

Photo courtesy of

Group Sex/Threesome/Relationship: If these three terms are in the same profile the dude is NOT looking for a relationship. They are just trying to snap up fresh meat — a brother who is not as sexually out there as they are.

“Heard it all before (heard it all before), All of ya lies, all of ya sweet talk, Baby this, Baby that”: Language along these lines indicates the writer is a bitter, angry, jaded gay man. Do not answer these ads. You don’t need somebody else’s drama. This person needs a good therapist. Not sex.

“If your first pic is an ass or dick pic I won’t be talking to you”: These folks are confused. They think they are on, and not a sex hookup website. Or they may believe appearing a bit prudish online will make others think they aren’t sex hounds. Believe me, everybody who goes to online sex sites is getting a fair amount of sex.

“If you like to kiss and tell keep it moving”: People who write this line are usually the messiest and the most promiscuous. They just don’t want their business getting more out than it is. Or they could be paranoid down-low men (see do Discreet or DL entry above).

Photo courtesy of

Just tested: Means nothing. It can take weeks or months before HIV is detectable or days before a person shows signs of an STD. In fact, some guys may have gonorrhea and syphilis and not show the classic symptoms for some time. So save yourself some trouble. Don’t believe anyone and play safe.

Looking for cool guys to hang with or friends: Bullshit. They looking for dick and/or ass.

Masculine: Guys who insist on you being masculine are usually the biggest queens who bring the biggest drama. Many dudes love effeminate men but if this is not your type be leery of ads from men who insist on masculinity in others.

Photo courtesy of the

PNP (Party and Play): These guys prefer to get high on methamphetamine, cocaine, marijuana and other drugs as a part of having sex. I’m not one to judge, but if you are the sober type leave these guys alone. Having sex with somebody that is tweaking on drugs can be an unpleasant and frustrating experience, no matter how attractive they are (read my 2010 entry The Ecstasy and the Agony to learn more). Also, guys who PNP are more likely to have risky sex, so the odds they will have an STD or HIV is higher. So if you still want to swing with guys in this group, wrap that dick up. Oh and before I forget there is another thing about guys who do drugs. They will steal your shit. Is that really worth getting some ass?

Gay guys on meth usually look more like the “After” photo on the right than the “Before” picture left. But they are so drugged up they don’t know how skinny and ashy they look. Photo courtesy of

Professional: Dudes that make a point of saying they are professional usually tend to be more materialistic. Or they think just because they have a master’s degree, sit in an office or manage people it makes them more intelligent or more attractive. That ain’t necessarily so. Take it from me, you can’t buy common sense or sexiness or learn these traits in a university.

Selective: People who write “I’m selective” in their personal ads always came across to me as shallow. When I have met them they are usually people who think they look better than average and demand the same from others. Some of them have been pretty guys but not always. And like Outkast once sang roses sometimes smell like doo-doo. Things that are pretty are not always good.

Handsome men are wonderful. But being so picky you only want pretty boys could mean you are shallow. Photo of model Zeric courtesy of

Total Top: There is no such thing.

Verse Top: A bottom that doesn’t want to admit it.

Verse: A more masculine bottom.

Verse Bottom: A bottom who wants to sound more marketable, like they don’t give up as much ass as the real bottoms!

Readers feel free to school mean on the real meaning of terms you read in personal ads!

We Broke the Bed Y’all

Morgan and I tag-teamed this hot, bubble butt bottom this morning.

Dude could take some dick. We shagged for about three hours.

Unfortunately we went too hard — busted the footboard.

But hey, it was worth it. The bed wasn’t the only thing that busted. I shot two nutts.

Here’s a shot I took of Morgan digging him out.

Morgan and I will be shopping for a new bed, thanks to this hot bottom.

Why I Fell Back in Love with Tariq and Kal

Tariq says goodbye to Kal. Screenshot courtesy of “The L.A. Complex.”

“Goodbye Kal.”

When Tariq Mohammad abruptly utters these words after down-low millionaire rapper Kaldrick “King of Cali” King tracks his estranged lover down to Montreal I was heartbroken.

You could see they still loved each other. It was there. In their eyes. In the way Kal moved toward Tariq like he wanted to take him into his arms. And the way Tariq’s mouth said one thing but his expressions said another.

But I have to credit the writers on the CW’s groundbreaking series “The L.A. Complex,” which had its season finale last week. The writing was honest. It was real. Things happened the way they should have.

Kal went too far when he viciously beat his lover Tariq after producers discover the two kissing in Dynasty’s studio. That Kal would do that to cover his homosexuality was cowardly and unforgivable.

Kal tries to reconcile with Tariq in Montreal. Screenshot courtesy of “The L.A Complex.”

It was so jarring I wrote the original blog on why that scene upset me so much and turned me off to the series, although I later became an avid watcher again (to read my earlier blog entry click here).

Yeah, I know a lot of fans wished they would get back together, including yours truly. The spark between actors Andra Fuller and Benjamin Charles Watson was palpable. You wanted  the relationship to work. Badly.

But The L.A. Complex never played like a soap opera. It played true to life. Right down to the end when Kal, after the death of  father, writes a coming-out letter to his Dad that he posts online for millions of fans to see.

Yeah, some of my friends criticized his move, saying it bit off of true-life Hip Hop artist Frank Ocean’s public letter released last summer that confessed he had been attracted to a man. I disagree. “The L.A. Complex” started the Kaldrick King storyline months before Ocean’s revelation.

The series was prescient. Fiction became reality and then fiction borrowed from reality.

Kal and Tariq. Photo courtesy of

I love the “DL Chronicles” but “The L.A. Complex” will probably be the best depiction on primetime television of what gay black men experience — the self-hate, the isolation, the depression, and for some the soul-searching and painful process of coming out of the closet.

Kaldrick’s actions in the final episodes were inspirational. They inspired me to come further out of the closet, something I am still struggling to do with long-term friends and family members.

Photo courtesy of

And the fact Kal and Tariq and Kal’s new love attorney Christopher Taylor (actor Jarod Joseph) were successful, smart and masculine made me like them even more.I get so tired of black gay men on reality and other TV shows playing the effeminate, sexless sidekick — it was refreshing to see characters of such depth.

“The L.A. Complex” attracted a rabid fan base but the ratings were low. It is unlikely there will be a third season.

However, I have to congratulate the writers, producers and especially actors Fuller and Watson for creating characters that will resonate with viewers for years to come.

If you want to see edited versions of “The L.A. Complex” that feature the Kal and Tariq storyline you can watch them on Youtube, thanks to subscriber SuperGoodTV101. To visit his page and see the clips click here. And to sign a petition to keep the show going go here!