So You Think This Shit is Easy…


 

So you think this shit is fun? You think this shit is easy? All the excitement of sex, the menagerie of asses and dicks, and threesomes and more. The lovers who cum and go and cum again.

Well, hell yeah. It has been. Why do you think I blog about it.

But sometimes I get so lonesome my heart feels as desolate and sterile as the deserts of Mars. I see my kids often but I still miss them. I second-guess myself. Did I do the right thing leaving the comfortable cover of the down-low world?

And somtimes I slide into a ravine of guilt. I tore my wife’s reality apart. Will I be forgiven? Would it have been better to stay and suppress myself for her.

“Immanuel, you are really doing well, I am proud of you,” a friend said to me today. “You are moving on.”

But sometimes, deep down inside, I don’t feel so confident and sure.

Part of the reason for that is this blog, which is a blessing and a curse. It lets get things off my chest, analyze myself and lick my writing chops. But it gives my lovers, including ones I want to get closer to, too much information on me. Even the Latino dude I date found out about it through a mutal friend and reads up on me.

I’m surprised he still wants to see me. But he urges me to continue to write to express my feelings and said he appreciates my honesty. However, a blog cannot express everything about the writer’s character.

Because strange as this may seem I’m ready for more. A lover that I could spend a day with, doing nothing. Someone I can build something with. Intimacy. I rarely if ever had this with my wife. Is it really real?

Now I feel like I tore my life apart to live my truth but now the scraps of my old existence are all around me, mixed with material I must use to build a new life.

My grandmother used to take scraps — old pieces of fabric, worn dresses and blankets — and fashioned them into beautiful, colorful quilts that expressed her love and creativity.

I am still tired from Los Angeles and I’m not sleeping well. I’m going to wake up tomorrow, take a  shower, and start figuring out how to make a quilt.

7 thoughts on “So You Think This Shit is Easy…

  1. Life isn't easy. Period. But I'm proud of you for being who you are and staying true to yourself. You have to live for yourself and make yourself happy, and of course make sure your kids are happy as well.

  2. Well, from follower to blogger, your writings are most definitely appreciated and read. I'm not sure if you realize this, but you say and do many things that others wish they could.

    Man to man, as long as your kids are cared for to the best of your abilities, the next person on your To-Do list ought to be yourself. It didn't make you any less of a man to come from under the DL lifestyle; if anything, it has made you an even greater one. To stand in the face of a failing marriage, society, church (haven't forgot about that, wink wink), and even admit to your son that “this is who I am” takes… balls, and plenty of em'!

    As far as people I actually KNOW reading my blog, I only let certain folk know about my blog. Only because they have a chance to read my thoughts. As much of an oxymoron as it is, I'd rather trust my deepest thoughts with total strangers than with those who know me. So, I just try to use caution when telling folk about my blog.

    –Cogito

  3. As testy as I've gotten with you at times in the past, I've enjoyed reading and watching you evolve and grow. You may not realize or see that it's happening, but I think your readers do.

    You've gotten a lot of your inner “wild child” out of your system and now you're starting to date. That's a good thing. You know and I know that finding the right person takes time – they don't just drop into your lap and you can't order them off Amazon.com You're learning what's important to you in another man and refining your “search” accordingly.

    You'll be fine. Stop looking back over your shoulder with regrets and questions and keep moving ahead.

  4. I am slightly at a loss for words. it your open and honesty that draws me in to read your blog. You want what everyone wants eventually..I bet even those that say they are fine with just hook-ups do so because some how their encounter contain just enough intimacy to satisfy their own need for it.

  5. And, oh yeah . . . you'll probably meet the wrong one 9 times before you meet the right one. I'll bet he's out there though . . . younger than you by a few, bottom, and hot. You'll find, whoever he is, if you want to.

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