So you think this shit is fun? You think this shit is easy? All the excitement of sex, the menagerie of asses and dicks, and threesomes and more. The lovers who cum and go and cum again.
Well, hell yeah. It has been. Why do you think I blog about it.
But sometimes I get so lonesome my heart feels as desolate and sterile as the deserts of Mars. I see my kids often but I still miss them. I second-guess myself. Did I do the right thing leaving the comfortable cover of the down-low world?
And somtimes I slide into a ravine of guilt. I tore my wife’s reality apart. Will I be forgiven? Would it have been better to stay and suppress myself for her.
“Immanuel, you are really doing well, I am proud of you,” a friend said to me today. “You are moving on.”
But sometimes, deep down inside, I don’t feel so confident and sure.
Part of the reason for that is this blog, which is a blessing and a curse. It lets get things off my chest, analyze myself and lick my writing chops. But it gives my lovers, including ones I want to get closer to, too much information on me. Even the Latino dude I date found out about it through a mutal friend and reads up on me.
I’m surprised he still wants to see me. But he urges me to continue to write to express my feelings and said he appreciates my honesty. However, a blog cannot express everything about the writer’s character.
Because strange as this may seem I’m ready for more. A lover that I could spend a day with, doing nothing. Someone I can build something with. Intimacy. I rarely if ever had this with my wife. Is it really real?
Now I feel like I tore my life apart to live my truth but now the scraps of my old existence are all around me, mixed with material I must use to build a new life.
My grandmother used to take scraps — old pieces of fabric, worn dresses and blankets — and fashioned them into beautiful, colorful quilts that expressed her love and creativity.
I am still tired from Los Angeles and I’m not sleeping well. I’m going to wake up tomorrow, take a shower, and start figuring out how to make a quilt.