Wifey: Tell the Kids You’re Gay!


My wife says the last few weeks have been bad for her, but she does not explain why. Her voice over the phone yesterday dragged, her words coming out in slow motion. She was never an enthusiastic, lively person but now she sounds even more tired and depressed.

I left home seven months ago but things have lately gotten shaky. We both  make good money but the family bank account is now often overdrawn. My wife, who has several advanced degrees, was never a good budgeter and I always paid the bills.

Now she is paying the bills and things are going ape shit. I have noticed the money situation over the last few weeks is even more screwed up now that she knows I will be moving into my own place. Can you spell S-A-B-O-T-A-G-E?

We had a heated discussion Monday over child rearing. She lets the kids run all over her and gives them whatever they ask for — she is a creampuff. I visited the family home a few weeks ago and had to jump on the kids to make their beds, wash clothes, scour that dirt ring from around the bath tub, put trash in the trash can and not on the floor, wash their asses, and get dinner started so mommy wouldn’t have to when she got home.

My kids have also been showing more attitude lately but they are teenagers. Teenagers are sweet one minute and nasty, ungrateful bitches the next. I try to overlook that shit because one day they will grow up, have kids of their own, and figure out what’s up.

“They are angry at you,” she said to me last night. “They saw some Web pages you were looking at and think you may be gay. You need to explain to them what is going on.”

“’Debra’ I am an adult. I don’t have to explain my sexuality to the kids. All they need to know is that we are not getting along and can’t live with each other but we love them and will look out for them.”

“Immanuel Jr. is afraid to talk to you about it. He thinks you may blow up at him.”

“You shouldn’t even be having that conversation with him,” I reply. “He has my cellphone and my email. I’m his father and see him every day. Just have him call me and I’ll answer whatever questions he asks in a level he can understand.”

“And look, if you want to go to Dr. Melvin (the family therapist) and discuss this issue, make an appointment so we can get good advice,” I continued.

She coddles my son. He is a good kid but spoiled. When he didn’t do homework she used to call the teachers and get him more time to get it done. I would say, let him suffer the consequences and flunk and repeat the grade if he has to.

And two years ago when I was still living at home I snatched him up by the collar because in one week he ran up the cell phone bill to over $400, was flunking several classes, and was slow getting out of bed to attend a school function.

He lied to his mother, saying I choked and beat him to the ground. She called the police on me without even letting me explain. They left before I could get back home from running errands but that day I made up my mind to leave her.

“I’m sorry, I was wrong,” she said. But I didn’t believe her. My wife is a passive aggressive codependent. Debra smiles in your face and hides her talons behind her back.

Because when my wife called the cops she had already found out I got down with men. At times it seems like she uses the kids as a weapon to get back at me. She is the good mother who gives them everything they want — dinners and movies and roller skating nights every weekend, damn the expense and whether they are doing chores properly or getting good grades.

I think now she is trying to portray me in their eyes as the down-low bugaboo who broke up the family and betrayed her. Or maybe I’m overreacting.

“You could have at least left me first before you starting messing around with men,” she told  me yesterday.

I know now her pain and anger is still raw. I feel sorry for her a moment and apologize for how things went down. But then I think to myself:“God. I have been away for months. Can’t she start to move on. Will this woman ever get a life?”

Because I am happier now living my true self and not lying and fooling around behind her back. And the marriage was so…over. I got tired of having to cook and do housework and bring in the money and pay bills and keep the yard straight and arrange her social life and eat her pussy and fuck her good on Saturday mornings and make sure the kids were in order while she walked around in a purple haze.

Even if I was with her things would never be the same again. Some broken things can’t be mended.

And I am also suspicious of her motivations. Is she trying to make me come out to the kids to make herself look better in their eyes? To humiliate me? Or is she really trying to be open and honest.

So today while I work I Google and research articles on coming out to children. A few articles say young children can handle the news as long as the language used to explain the situation fits their years. However, many others say wait until older children are in their 20s and even 30s because the world for teenagers is still very much black and white and many are questioning their own sexuality.

I call my buddy “Rex” for advice. He is in New York City visiting family. When I call he is walking down the streets of Harlem. Rex is in a good mood because there is so much male eye candy on the streets of New York. But his buoyant tone gets hard edged when I tell him the deal.

“Oh, you don’t have to tell your kids shit!,” he said. “She is just mad that you are moving on with your life and is trying to bring you down in front of the kids and make herself look good. You are still their father. They don’t need to know that shit!” 

Then I call my other buddy, “Colin,” and explain the funky family dynamics at play here. Colin’s voice is calm and soothing.

“Hey, only tell your kids when you feel comfortable,” he advises.

And that is what I plan to do.

30 thoughts on “Wifey: Tell the Kids You’re Gay!

  1. I always did say she was using the kids as a weapon against you. If you feel they are mature enough to handle any of the dynamics of your sexuality, then tell them. However, I know a few men who waited until their children were “of age” before finally telling them the truth. Only because, by then, sexual identity wasn't a foreign language and the whole “birds and the bees” concept was already known. Personally, from the read of it, I'd say wait a while longer before telling your kids. At least until they are mature enough to handle the bigger picture–the devious actions of your wife, their role in the divorce, etc.

    “When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they “don't understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.” (Helen Rowland).

    –Cogito

  2. Only tell your kids when you are comfortable and ready. Life throws horrible stuff at us sometimes but its how we deal with it. I hope everything will sort itself out soon.

  3. When Dealing with “children” one should be thinking about how things could affect them whether negatively or positively. In this situation your kids have nothing to gain from knowing that kind of information,(not necessarily anything to lose either developmentally) therefore its not important. All they need is love and attention. And especially from a father they need character building.

    But on that note, I think that in order to facilitate this character building you must always “keep it real” with them….If they ask, you should tell (of course, in their language). The only problem with this may be their mothers bad intentions and influence on their initiation of inquiry. Thats very foul of her and not uncommon among women who have been emotionally damaged from such a relationship.

    I believe that (if you really are doing what you're supposed to do, ie being there, raising em) they will respect you as “father” and will only inquire to relieve themselves of any odd feelings they may be having towards the situation with you and their mom. Otherwise, kids wont generally give a crap (or even begin to understand) because “dad is just dad”.

  4. If you're the type of parent I think you are, your kids are the most precious things you have. But unfortunately they don't come with an owners manual when you take delivery of them. You've done some research, which is good but you got conflicting info which is leaving you in a quandary.

    Looking at the profiles of the others who have posted comments, the oldest appears to be 23. No offense intended to those posters, but I wouldn't handle a matter this delicate based on the advice of someone that age.

    Contact PFLAG. They will have info and resources that might help both you and your wife. They also have info on helping your kids get through a divorce.

    http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194

    Click on “Get Support” to find more info.

    Good luck.

  5. PDQ, No offense, but you need to find better and more smoother ways to promote your organization. Everybody here is not under 23! And age is not the determinant of giving give good advice.

  6. Yusuf – I have no connection whatsoever to PFLAG. Never been to one of their offices, never donated to them, never used them. I came out on my own when I was 29 and I dealt with my family on my own. Thankfully I never married or had kids. If my family had rejected me, I was in a position where I could wash my hands of them, walk away and start a whole new life. Thankfully it didn't come to that.

    Immanuel is dealing with a woman who probably has a lot of herself and her identity invested in a marriage that is now crumbling. She's lashing out and acting up because she's been hurt and it's affecting THEIR children. He can't just wash his hands and walk away from his family like I was prepared to do because he has obligations.

    Kids aren't stupid. They pick up on a lot more than adults give them credit for and they're masters at manipulating their parents and playing them against each other. Immanuel AND his wife need to agree to come together and do what is best for their children and they need to be on the same page when it comes to raising them, disciplining them, etc. If they need advice on how best to do that, the best advice will be found through professionals who evaluate the specific situation, not through Google searches and comments left on a blog.

    No offense intended to 23 year olds or those who comment on this blog, but that's just the way it is.

  7. I told my son at age 7. I felt the younger the better. I wanted to be able to educate him before society pushed their opinions on him (ie: FAGGOT). I also felt the need to tell him because I did not want to live a lie around him. If I lied about it, that must mean it's not ok and it is something that should be hidden. I am also in a serious relationship, so that played a major part. I see it being a bit different when there's not a partner involved. Kids do not need to be involved in your dating or sex life anyways. I must admit, I am glad that my sexuality is open to my son and before he became a teenager. Your kids already have an opinion of gay people and what that means, so it's much more challenging for you. I was also WELL out of my marriage and more far along into the gay 'life' when the time came for me to tell my son, so emotions were not as raw as they are for you. I feel for you sir, but as others have said, you will know when the time is right. Keep in mind that you probably do not want them to find out from someone else though.

    I've been a reader for awhile but never commented. However, this post really touched me and I felt the need to comment.

    Good Luck.

  8. i was shedding years reading this recent post from africa. where were u and this TRUE BLOG when i was going thru hell in my situation? wow. this scenario was exactly what i went thru nine years ago, please keep up the great blog. i am out and peace.

  9. Hello Immanuel.. I’ve read your blog for a while but have never commented until now. You will probably delete my comment but I thought I should shed some truth and reality on some of the subjects you write about. First and foremost, you come across as an extremely selfish individual. You have no idea the damage you have done and continue to do to your family. Its so extremely sad that in your zeal to dive head first into the gay lifestyle, you have completely ignored the innocent bystanders…your wife and children. Your wife is an adult, so she will eventually heal, but your children no doubt will suffer most from the bad decisions you have made. What you take as your wife trying to ‘pit the kids against you’ may actually be her speaking the truth and trying to open your eyes. The kids will more than likely resent you for breaking up the family, especially when you or your wife choose to tell them that the reason the family is broken is because daddy couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. Where is the honor in that? Do you really expect to unravel the family that you’ve spent years creating and it not negatively affect your family? Be honest.

    Most of the visitors to your site are apologists, and will tell you what you want to hear…..but I hope to share the truth with you. You have been deceived. Truth is, there is nothing in the gay lifestyle. Nothing. The gay life is hollow, it has no substance. The reason it is so exciting to you now and you feel so liberated is because you are embracing it as a middle-aged man. Most of us have done and experienced the things you are doing now in our twenties, so we know how exciting it is when you first discover and act on your attraction to men. Although your stories are interesting, once you get to that point where you tire of random hook-ups and as you age, you will see just what the gay life you’ve cultivated has to offer: nothing.

    What you and your fans on this site see as you ‘being true to yourself’ is actually you being a very selfish man. The old man you wrote about who said that he wouldn’t leave his family for the gay life had it right….perhaps the reason you were so angered by his comment is because deep inside you know it’s the truth. That man wasn’t being untrue to himself, he has his priorities straight!

    I hope one day you can be honest with yourself and I hope your wife and children will forgive you…. Because, believe me when I say, the men you write about in your posts will not be there for you as you age..(even if you can’t see that today). When you are old and gray….your children and their offspring will be all that you have.

  10. Well, your opinion of him and his blog is entirely subjectional; you are right to feel insecure in his deletion of your comment. For starters, this man isn’t trying to save his family, if you read with your heart and not your eyes, you’d find that it is in fact his family that is trying to save him. Not in the sense that he needs rescuing—but in the fact that they (his children) are doing (to the best of their abilities) their best to preserve their love for their father through unconditioned, un-judged love.
    Granted, the gay lifestyle is somewhat new to him, but you can read between the lines and see how deeply it really all affects him. Lately, his posts have been family-based anyway. I’m sure he started this blog to vent; to be a beacon; to seek advice and give it to men in his same shoes. And for you to not only take the time to read through his posts, but then sum them all up in one big dissertation about how WRONG it is, makes you a terrible person.
    The gay lifestyle obviously isn’t empty to him; otherwise, he wouldn’t have his family at risk just to venture into it. He finds fulfillment in something new and exciting to him, is that a crime? How can you say he isn’t honest with himself? He’s painfully honest in his most tender and heartfelt posts. I hope you can see how much he loves his children and how much their love and respect is important to him. Without it, I think he’d crumble; those kids are his world. Since the rift between him and his wife is irreparable, the fact that he “couldn’t keep it in his pants” is irrelevant; the fact of the matter is that they’re not together. Gay or not, he’s a genuine guy who didn’t start an online blog to be picked with. He gets enough of that from his wife, don’t you agree?

    –Cogito

  11. “reality check”, really? it sounds like someone else needs a reality check. the man is GAY, so what are you suggesting? BC the gay lifestyle has offered you NOTHING, he should go back to living a lie? You sound ridiculous. I've also been in this man's shoes and let me tell you… deciding to stop living a lie and letting my wife go to achieve a life that is not lie, was the best decision i ever made.

    the gay lifestyle has had alot to offer me. i am now settled and married again to a man and it's all in truth, not lies.

    life as to offer what you give it…gay or straight.

  12. Men are so selfish thinking about only themselves, what about how Debra feels. Embarrassment, Hurt, shock, Pain, and not having any faith in men. It will take her a long time before she can trust another man. Why even get married and have kids if your have a faint thought about being with the same sex. This world is changing for the worse and the family value is becoming extinct due to the fact that a majority of our men don't want to be in a relationship with a women anymore or have kids. Kids are already confuse just being a teenager, now they have to deal with a gay parent! God help us all

  13. You really do have to go at your own pace with this. Yes, your wife is hurting. The break up would have occured regardless of the reason because you were getting tired of her personality type. Passive aggresive types can wear one down after a while because you are always wondering what is behind what they are saying, because the words vs. the reality are never clear and there are always unspoken motives.

    So if one has really been listening to your heart while reading, one would be able to see that this divorce was imminent, regardless of whether you were gay or straight. Try to be understanding with your wife, but don't cave in to her, because if you do then then the kids don't win. This is hard for them, but they need to see that your personality is the same. That you love and care, and will still disipline them. Kids need consistancy whether a parent is still living in the home or not.

    Leaving the marriage was the best thing you could do for all involved. Some may feel it wasn't a good idea and that you should have continued to lie and cheat behind her back, but where is the honor in that? This way the wife can move on and believe she wasn't the problem and can find a man that is totally into her. She doesn't have to play detective and run behind your back trying to collect clues as to why the sex is different, or why you speak to her differently, or just why things don't seem the same. Each person is different in regards to them moving forward in their lives when a realationship ends. There is nothing you can do for her process, because it is her process and she has to live through it.

    You will know when to tell the kids. Feel them out. If you want to tell them when tehy are older, that is fine because it is your choice. You know your kids better than anyone writing on this blog. So you will know when they are ready to really “hear” you. There is a lot of stress and strife in one's teen years, so you will know if you need to let these years pass first, or to just go for it now. Do get as much information as possible (maybe from the therapist you two go two also), because you seem like the type that wants to cover all his bases, so that whatever the outcome is, you can say “I tried my best, got all the different perspectives, and there was no more I could do”. It is a big deal so make sure you are as comfortable and ready as possible. This is not an “off the cuff” conversation with your kids, so be calm and be ready, and don't do it for the wife. Do it for the kids when you are ready.

    Peace,
    Devo1961

  14. OK- I am no wall flower so I'm going to put in my two cents re: reality_check's comments, partly because I like Immanuel's honesty with all of us, his readers, partly because I feel that reality_check is completely wrong, no matter the context one reads his comments in. First of all….to suggest living as a straight man, when your sexuality is now clearly gay, no matter the reasons- wife, children etc…is madness. I am a straight female. I could not imagine feeling obligated to live and love a woman..in everyday life, in the bedroom, in front of my family…if I only wanted to touch, kiss and be close to a man. It boggles the mind that they suggest that LIES are the correct way to raise your children. LIES always come to the fore…one way or another. Imagine your children's pain, whether they are teenagers or mature adults, to learn that you'd lied to them long after identifying your true sexuality. We are all changing throughout our lives, in different ways. I am not surprised that Immanuel thought that a hetero lifestyle, marriage and children was what he wanted at one point, only to discover, later on in his life, that he was, in fact, gay. I thought that I had found the man of my dreams when I was in my late 20's. He is so completely wrong for me, it isn't funny. We are very different and our differences simply exacerbate any problems underlying our relationship. Should I continue on, despite what I know now or hang on because it is easier for those around us and possibly easier for myself, financially and emotinally? My marriage has been a lie for many years; passionless and celibate. Being a very hot and passionate woman, I embarked on a very sexual, very exciting love affair with another man…but it meant that I had to lie to everyone..my closest friends, family and the husband that, despite not touching me nor communicating with me, still supported our privileged lifestyle, treated me with care and respect, and kept together all that made up our marriage (except the emotional and physical part) going. It was HELL. He finally discovered my affair and confronted me about it. Strangely, thanks to our underlying friendship, his maturity and lack of jealousy, we are still together and, instead, now living a polyamourous lifestyle. I'm not sure that it is a lifestyle that I wish to continue for the longterm, but for the present, it has kept our family together (we don't actually have chidren, but I still consider a couple as a family when marriage, extended family, mutual friends and more are involved)kept our friendship alive and helped me get through the difficult transition of losing my mother during the past year. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that lying to those around me…whether or not I love them…just lying…I cannot do anymore. I'm not saying that one has to be totally indiscrete..I understand that close mindedness makes homosexuality a tough hurdle to overcome in some industries (biotech for example) but it's a hard, cold world out there. When we are home and, hopefully, close to those we love, we should be able to relax, and live our lives accordingly. I feel sorry for reality_check who seems to think that showing ones children that what other people think is more important than how we feel, and to subject a partner to a life less lived is also acceptable. Live Immanuel….My husband and I have several gay friends who are in long term marriages, have adopted children and are very happy…much happier than most of our hetero friends, in fact.
    With Affection,
    A 40something hetero white chick who likes your blog.

  15. I feel that reality_check is completely wrong, no matter the context one reads his comments in. First of all,to suggest living as a straight man, when your sexuality is now clearly gay, no matter the reasons- wife, children etc, is madness. I am a straight female. I could not imagine feeling obligated to live and love as a lesbian, if I am purely hetero. It boggles the mind that he suggests that LIES are the correct way to raise your children. LIES always come to the fore, one way or another. Imagine your children's pain, whether they are teenagers or mature adults, to learn that you'd lied to them long after identifying your true sexuality. We're all changing throughout our lives, in different ways. I'm not surprised that you thought that a hetero lifestyle, marriage and children was what you wanted at one point, only to discover, later on in life, that you are gay. I thought I'd found the man of my dreams when I was in my late 20's. He was so completely wrong for me, it wasn't funny. We are very different and our differences simply exacerbate any problems underlying our relationship. Should I continue on, despite what I know now or hang on because it is easier for those around us and possibly easier for myself, financially and emotinally? We are still figuring that out.
    As for Debra, be patient but firm with her- she must seek therapy from a non religious therapist who will help her overcome this change in her life-in all of your lives- without acrimony or blame. There is nobody to blame. You must realize that the mess in the house, the lack of discipline with the children…the fact that this has been going on for years, too, is a reflection of her own internal confustion and emotional devastation. She has known for years that something was profoundly wrong but couldn't figure out what it was. Perhaps she blamed or blames herself, even subconsciously, her actions in your bedroom towards the end of your marriage give hint to that. Whatever the cause, she needs to find a good therapist to help her realize that she will need to get her life in order. She has to show the children that she is strong, that you still care for one another, even if you are not a couple in the physical sense and that, even when a huge change hits us, life goes on and can be better, if a bit different.
    I do not know what the future holds for me in my marriage, but I do know that lying to those around me…whether or not I love them…just lying…I cannot do anymore. I'm not saying that one has to be totally indiscrete..I understand that close mindedness makes homosexuality a tough hurdle to overcome in some industries (biotech for example) but it's a hard, cold world out there. When we are home and, hopefully, close to those we love, we should be able to relax, and live our lives accordingly. I feel sorry for reality_check who seems to think that showing ones children that what other people think is more important than how we feel, and to subject a partner to a life less lived is also acceptable. Live Immanuel….My husband and I have several gay friends who are in long term marriages, have adopted children and are very happy…much happier than most of our hetero friends, in fact.
    With Affection,
    A 40something hetero white chick who likes your blog.

  16. I feel that reality_check is completely wrong, no matter the context one reads his comments in. First of all,to suggest living as a straight man, when your sexuality is now clearly gay, no matter the reasons- wife, children etc, is madness. I am a straight female. I could not imagine feeling obligated to live and love as a lesbian, if I am purely hetero. It boggles the mind that he suggests that LIES are the correct way to raise your children. LIES always come to the fore, one way or another. Imagine your children's pain, whether they are teenagers or mature adults, to learn that you'd lied to them long after identifying your true sexuality. We're all changing throughout our lives, in different ways. I'm not surprised that you thought that a hetero lifestyle, marriage and children was what you wanted at one point, only to discover, later on in life, that you are gay. I thought I'd found the man of my dreams when I was in my late 20's. He was so completely wrong for me, it wasn't funny. We are very different and our differences simply exacerbate any problems underlying our relationship. Should I continue on, despite what I know now or hang on because it is easier for those around us and possibly easier for myself, financially and emotinally? We are still figuring that out.
    As for Debra, be patient but firm with her- she must seek therapy from a non religious therapist who will help her overcome this change in her life-in all of your lives- without acrimony or blame. There is nobody to blame. You must realize that the mess in the house, the lack of discipline with the children…the fact that this has been going on for years, too, is a reflection of her own internal confustion and emotional devastation. She has known for years that something was profoundly wrong but couldn't figure out what it was. Perhaps she blamed or blames herself, even subconsciously, her actions in your bedroom towards the end of your marriage give hint to that. Whatever the cause, she needs to find a good therapist to help her realize that she will need to get her life in order. She has to show the children that she is strong, that you still care for one another, even if you are not a couple in the physical sense and that, even when a huge change hits us, life goes on and can be better, if a bit different.
    I do not know what the future holds for me in my marriage, but I do know that lying to those around me…whether or not I love them…just lying…I cannot do anymore. I'm not saying that one has to be totally indiscrete..I understand that close mindedness makes homosexuality a tough hurdle to overcome in some industries (biotech for example) but it's a hard, cold world out there. When we are home and, hopefully, close to those we love, we should be able to relax, and live our lives accordingly. I feel sorry for reality_check who seems to think that showing ones children that what other people think is more important than how we feel, and to subject a partner to a life less lived is also acceptable. Live Immanuel….My husband and I have several gay friends who are in long term marriages, have adopted children and are very happy…much happier than most of our hetero friends, in fact.
    With Affection,
    A 40something hetero white chick who likes your blog.

  17. I feel that reality_check is completely wrong, no matter the context one reads his comments in. First of all,to suggest living as a straight man, when your sexuality is now clearly gay, no matter the reasons- wife, children etc, is madness. I am a straight female. I could not imagine feeling obligated to live and love as a lesbian, if I am purely hetero. It boggles the mind that he suggests that LIES are the correct way to raise your children. LIES always come to the fore, one way or another. Imagine your children's pain, whether they are teenagers or mature adults, to learn that you'd lied to them long after identifying your true sexuality. We're all changing throughout our lives, in different ways. I'm not surprised that you thought that a hetero lifestyle, marriage and children was what you wanted at one point, only to discover, later on in life, that you are gay. I thought I'd found the man of my dreams when I was in my late 20's. He was so completely wrong for me, it wasn't funny. We are very different and our differences simply exacerbate any problems underlying our relationship. Should I continue on, despite what I know now or hang on because it is easier for those around us and possibly easier for myself, financially and emotinally? We are still figuring that out.
    As for Debra, be patient but firm with her- she must seek therapy from a non religious therapist who will help her overcome this change in her life-in all of your lives- without acrimony or blame. There is nobody to blame. You must realize that the mess in the house, the lack of discipline with the children…the fact that this has been going on for years, too, is a reflection of her own internal confustion and emotional devastation. She has known for years that something was profoundly wrong but couldn't figure out what it was. Perhaps she blamed or blames herself, even subconsciously, her actions in your bedroom towards the end of your marriage give hint to that. Whatever the cause, she needs to find a good therapist to help her realize that she will need to get her life in order. She has to show the children that she is strong, that you still care for one another, even if you are not a couple in the physical sense and that, even when a huge change hits us, life goes on and can be better, if a bit different.
    I do not know what the future holds for me in my marriage, but I do know that lying to those around me…whether or not I love them…just lying…I cannot do anymore. I'm not saying that one has to be totally indiscrete..I understand that close mindedness makes homosexuality a tough hurdle to overcome in some industries (biotech for example) but it's a hard, cold world out there. When we are home and, hopefully, close to those we love, we should be able to relax, and live our lives accordingly. I feel sorry for reality_check who seems to think that showing ones children that what other people think is more important than how we feel, and to subject a partner to a life less lived is also acceptable. Live Immanuel….My husband and I have several gay friends who are in long term marriages, have adopted children and are very happy…much happier than most of our hetero friends, in fact.
    With Affection,
    A 40something hetero white chick who likes your blog.

  18. I agree that reality check is wrong tell them when you are ready. I love reading your blog because it is so real

  19. Immanuel! Where have you been? It's been a long time since you've blogged! Missing your insight and stories!

  20. for the past month.. i get to work.. and check your blog….and i have been so sad, to see no new updates……..I go to the regular rodonline, theybf and cnn. However, i do miss you and your insights………please come back!

  21. Hello,
    This is my first time on your blog, (at least that I can remember.) I read a few of the comments, but not all so I may end up saying some similar things, if so please forgive me. I don't know if adding my 25 cents worth will makes a difference in your actions, but I believe it may help and I'm certain that it wont hurt.
    Someone said that you were being selfish by leaving your family to embrace your sexuality. That's true but it not really a bad thing, I would imagine that you did it for your own sanity, that's survival instincts. And I don't hold that against you. maybe the problem is the way you went about doing it but it can still be worked out.
    As for your kids, I suggest you talk to them and tell them. From what I understand, you don't have “kids,” you have teenagers. In general kids are the ones that parents can force a situation down their throats to accept it without explaining any details. I don't think it's a good idea to do the same to teenagers. It's the teenage years that begin developing a persons adult personality/behavior. So this situation could lead to your offspring (since they aren't kids) being homophobes or gay bashers because they resent you and your sexuality for creating a toxic family dynamic that you waited 3-10 years to explain to them what happened. At that point they may see it as you being sneaky, shameful and/or deceptive. In contrast the conversation could begin to integrate into their consciousness that you are still their father, them man that loves them, raised them, wants what's best for them and will be there for them…but you just happen to enjoy sex with men.

    I hope this helps.

  22. I've been reading your blog for a year now and very much enjoy it. I usually agree with the way you handle your family issues, but this particular post pissed me off.

    You sound incredibly selfish with the way you're unfairly attacking your wife.

    You state in your posts that she's trying make you look like a “downlow bugaboo who broke up the family and betrayed Mommy,” uh, HELLO! Immanuelle, sans the term “bugaboo” that is basically what you are and did. Why are you demonizing your wife for the crimes of the heart that YOU committed???

    Honestly, Immanuelle, your wife has been very kind to you, in fact too kind. She could have put all your business out to your kids, family, job, etc. immediately if she wanted to. With the evidence she had on you, she could've publically destroyed you. But she hasn't b/c she still loves you, respects and wants to protect you, although you didn't show her the same respect when you cheated on her.

    She wants you to be honest with your kids, b/c she's tired of lying on your behalf and deceiving the kids. Kids aren't stupid, they're very intuitive, they like to see if there parents are going to practice what they preach. Why should “Debra” become the liar in this relationship??? Why should she compromise her relationship with your children by lying on your behalf?? Particularly while she's recovering from a broken heart. As long as she has to lie for you, she won't get over it.

    I honestly don't mean to jump down your throat, but this post reminds me of my mother. When I was 12 she had an affair with another man, she thought my sister and I were too “young” to know what was going on. I knew about the affair before my father did. My mother and I to this day don't have the best relationship. It's not b/c she had an affair and divorced my father, but b/c she continuously lied about her actions to our faces, she insulted our intelligence and put us in an awkward position among society and left us alone to deal with rumors in church, school, etc. while she had fun.

    Talk to your kids, they're not stupid. They'll respect you more if you're honest. What if your son is also gay? Also, other people may have seen you in gay settings and told your teenagers. It's a small world, people talk. You did the dirt, now it's time to face the music

  23. I really identify with this blog. I haven’t told my ex or my children. In time I will though, my ex is somewhat the same as what is being described above. She can’t handle our kids and she had 4 before me. I raised two of the older children and don’t know how exactly id explain to them yet, although like a friend told me I might be surprised everyone may not be as shocked as I expected.

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