Molestation and Being Gay: What came first? The chicken or the egg?


When I was a little kid there was a teenager in our black middle class neighborhood named “Butchie.”

There was something strange about him. It’s like he didn’t walk around — it was more like he oozed like oil. He was always on the perimeter of the playground, or the kickball game or the basketball court. Stealthy and sly and watching.

You never tried to be alone with Butchie because he liked to play funny games. Like humping on you. Or grabbing your dick and squeezing. Or begging you to play with his. I can still hear his voice.

“Please, just rub my dick a little bit,” he would say. His voice was so pleading, and whining and pitiful that sometimes I would give in and let him rub up against me or play with my still small, 7-year-old “peter,” which to my amazement would get stiff, making a small tent in the front of my Toughskins jeans.

“Okay, Butchie stop. Someone is coming,” I would say after a minute. Then I would emerge from the bushes and go play kickball and act like I didn’t know Butchie. Believe me I was not the only one. I notice him “playing” with my other friends too.

Butchie fit the pattern of a molester but did that early interaction plant the seed to make me desire men now? Because I hear stories of abuse from gay men all too often.

“My uncle used to fuck around with me when I was a kid. I was sucking his dick when I was 11.”

“My older cousin got me started. He used to play with my dick. I got to like that shit. We had a ‘relationship for years.'”

“I got molested by two of my uncles. One on my mother’s side and one on my father’s side.”

Studies indicate gays and lesbians are more likely to be molestation victims. Forty six percent of gay men and 22 percent of lesbians reported same-sex molestation in childhood, according to a 2001 Archives of Sexual Behavior Study. That compares to just seven percent of heterosexual men and just one percent of heterosexual women, the study said,

Right-wing and some religious groups have used such data to claim molestation can make a child gay and that gays are more likely to molest children. But other studies say this is not true. According to the American Psychiatric Association:

“No specific psychosocial or family dynamic cause for homosexuality has been identified, including histories of childhood sexual abuse.Sexual abuse does not appear to be more prevalent in children who grow up to identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, than in children who identify as heterosexual.”

However, being abused by a person of the same sex can cause the victim to be confused about their sexuality, according the National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization (NOMSV). However, that group said it is unlikely someone can make another person gay by molesting them as a child.

That is because most studies say genetics and environment before the age of five likely determines whether a child will grow up to be gay or lesbian. In fact, even gay people who have been molested say there were attracted to the same sex at an early age.

My family moved away from the neighborhood where Butchie lived. But one day when I was about 13 years old I was going to visit a friend and saw him walking into a nearby apartment building with his friends. He was a grown man but still lean and gangly with that sneaky look to his face.

“Hey Butchie, how are you,” I said hesitantly.

“Hey, how are you doing,” Butchie answered. He looked genuinely glad to see me but kept his head down, like he didn’t want to look me in the eye.

Before we could talk further his friend turned and said abruptly. “Look man, hurry up. I don’t have all day.”

“I’m just trying to talk to an old buddy.”

“Look nigga, come on. I’m tired of fucking around with you.”

So Butchie said goodbye and followed him like a dog with his tail between his legs.

(Picture of convicted child molester David Allen Andrews courtesy of “America’s Most Wanted.”)

Q: Were you molested as a child? Do you think it made you gay or lesbian?

20 thoughts on “Molestation and Being Gay: What came first? The chicken or the egg?

  1. Both me and my lover were molested as children. I cannot recall having feelings for guys prior to the molestation, but I was only about 8 years old. There was a group of guys in the neighborhood that knew about what happened and made fun of me for it happening. I know that the teasing made me a introvert and I still am today. I don't think that the molestation made me gay, but it did affect me.

  2. I wasn't molested, I was sexually assaulted at the age of six. But I knew that I had an attraction to the male form before that. So I don't think that assault “turned” me gay or had any bearing on my sexuality.

  3. I was never molested, mistreated, neglected, etc. etc. etc. I always had a fascination with the male form, long before I knew what that meant. I used to fantasize about being able to touch naked guys to see what they felt like.

    I apparently looked a little too long at other guys in the locker room in 7th grade and wound up with the nickname “Homo” – before I knew what homo meant.

    It wasn't until high school that I realized what my attraction to guys really meant and then I knew that I couldn't BE gay – there HAD to be a woman out there for me somewhere. Society, my family's attitudes, etc. made it unacceptable for me to be gay. But I couldn't get intimate with a woman. My dick wouldn't play along and I felt guilty about leading a woman down the garden path when I knew deep down I had no intention of getting serious with her.

    I didn't come out till the early 1990's when I was 29. Prior to that I thought about suicide if I was ever discovered and outed. I even had it planned out, all the way down to leaving a note of apology to the engineer of the freight train I was going to step in front of.

    I am so glad I finally did come out. I married my husband in 2008 and I have a wonderful, fulfilling life with a great man. I could never go back into the closet. I can't – actually, I won't – live that lie again.

  4. I was molested as a child. 3 of my older cousins and one stranger were my perpetrators. I do not feel that the molestation was the cause of my gayness. I do, however, feel that my feeling “different” and the insecurities surrounding that allowed them to single me out. My fear of being found out allowed them to do to me whatever they wanted to because they knew that for me to tell, I would have to admit my own secret. So, their secret resided safely next to mine.

    It wasn't until I was almost an adult that I shared with my parents what had happened to me. I never told them who the perpetrators were. I still feel the need to protect them for some reason, though I have nothing to do with them.

    When my parents wanted to blame my gayness on my molestation, I was sure to correct them and let them know that it was not a cause and effect thing. I don't think of what they did to me as sexual. I think of it as violence. No child is equipped to emotionally deal with this type of act when they are that young.

    I have let go of the fear, hatred, and shame of my past. It was a long journey. Thank God that I made it!

  5. I don't feel being molested made me gay. What it did was make me more sexual at an early age. I liked how it felt and wanted to create more situations where I could recreate that type of pleasure. I played around with boys and a few girls from age 6 on till/through high school. I knew I was gay and more into boys, so most of my experiences were with them. So after playing with both sexes because of being sexualized (made sexually aware)so young, I continued towards men, which for me was my more natural inclination.

    I always thought about lesbians who were molested by men. They didn't become straight, but somehow that never enters discussions about molestation and sexuality when churches and other organizations talk about this topic. Gays are supposed to run to men and lesbians are supposed to run from men after molestation? It never made sense to me. Molestation is an act of power and so gender doesn't really matter. So how is this explained never made sense to me. What about all the straigt men molested by fathers, priests, cousins, ect. There are more of them (though most won't come forward because it is eqauted with loss of manhood), if only because there are more of them demographically.

    So it didn't make me gay, but it did made me a tramp:-)

    Peace,
    Devo1961

  6. I remember when I was about 5, I played around with my older cousin once (giving him head). Im shocked that I even knew to do that so young. He was maybe 12 or 13 at the time. I remember clearly that It was I that approached him. At the time we thought it was funny. Only happened once, but I wouldn't call it molestation on his part. It was more like I molested him. Im not sure if that contributed to me being gay, but I knew even at 5 years old, I liked it.

  7. I thank Jesus that I was never molested or sexually assaulted at all. I'm blessed to say that my attraction to the same sex is totally instinctual and not based on any perversions. My heart goes out to the victims of such heinous crimes; children are innocent–anyone who has ill thoughts toward them have wicked hearts.

    My earliest memory of (being conscious of) my first attraction to a boy occurred in 5th grade. He was sitting across from me in Music class and I accidental ran my foot up his leg (mistaking it for the leg of the table). We argued a bit about it, but afterwards, I realized “hey, I kinda liked that”. From there, the rest is history.

    Not to start the whole “Nature V. Nurture” argument, but I totally vote for Nature as the cause of homosexuality; not on Nurture. However, my closest and dearest friend was molested at a young age and has since then been experiencing mixed emotions on her sexual identity. So, I think that Nature is the primary cause, and Nurture may just be a catalyst, depending on the person and situation.

    –Cogito

  8. I was molested from 4 years old to 12 years old. However, my Molester was a female. When she was molesting me, I thought about a guy molesting me! I know for me being molested by a female did not make me straight. The bottom line is that we are born either gay or straight…Most gay boys played with Dolls and jumped double dutch, rather than playing with GI Joe and Nitendo!

  9. I was never molested. By the age of 5, I was displaying obvious signs of being a “sissy” and my sexual orientation was already determined. However, I did not have explicit sexual or romantic fantasies about men until my adolescence, which I didn't act upon until much later.

    Clearly, “nature” was the determining factor here….

  10. i find the notion, that something perverted or horrific having happened to you being the catalyst for homosexuality, ignorant and offensive. it's just another way to lump all so called “deviant” behaviors together for the easier persecution and shaming of the people invloved. it also says that homosexuals are no better than child molesters. that line of thinking is heterosexist and should be challenged by proud, secure and courageous homosexuals whenever it's brought up.

  11. For those of you who are either down low or currently living a fully homosexual lifestyle, but at one time were living heterosexual, do you genuinely find yourselves sexually attracted to women. Or was it an act to maintain the facade that you were 100% heterosexual? Also, when you were sexual with a woman (for those that were), did you really enjoy it or did you feel forced? I hope this question isn't offensive to anyone. I think that as women, we feel somewhat confused if we discover a man is into men, because we think he was never into women, and that makes things like his having sex with us seem like it was all just an act or illusion.

  12. I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was 9 yrs old. I remember feeling very guilty about it, like it was my fault and that I did something wrong that made me deserve it. I am a normal gay man now and have been out for 12 years (Im 35 yrs old). I dont think getting molested impacted my sexual orientation, but it does mess with my head sometimes, like a kick in the gut. I need to take care of this and let it go.

  13. i was molest at a very young age and i am Bi at the moment but i think being bi is just a one way stop to being gay or going back straight im still young i guess im 17 and i was molested form like 3 thru 14 years of age i think that most people that are gay have been molested by the posts that i have been reading today and they dont blame it on being molested well idk i kinda blame it on being molested because if i wasnt molested i dont think i would have ever thought of being with another man

  14. Yes I was molested as a child and I think I say I kinda wanted it. It was an older black man who was babysitting me, I also knew at an early age I liked men and women.

  15. I was “felt on” as a child fat botty girl. Our cousin from tarpon springs used to come to tampa alot when i was lil, we always went to the beach ,car was always to small,group of young dudes my mom and I was the only females, .I was bout eight, one of the unknown dudes grinded on my ass for bout hours drive,.i think he came. It just made me curious about sex. I didnt lose my virginity until i was 19. I always liked that feeling so i let dudes grined on me.

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