Down-Low Men on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown


“Lawrence” texted me at work on Friday afternoon.

Lawrence is a married, down-low brother who is 61 years old but works out like a fiend and still has a tight, lean body. The contrast of his salt-and-pepper hair with his youngish body only makes him hotter. He is definitely a DILTF — a “Daddy I Like to Fuck.”

 Lawrence is also stone bottom — when he is ready to be fucked he is ready to be nailed.

Lawrence said he was just texting me to say hello and check out how I was making out now that I was separated from my wife. But I knew the real deal — Lawrence texts me every few months when he wants some dick from me.

He will give his wife an excuse — he is going to the gym or dropping the dog off at groomers or working at a remote office. And we will meet in a hotel room and I will push his knees up to his chest and pound my dick in his muscular, high ass missionary style. Slap! Pap! Pap! Pap!

“Yes sir, Yes sir! That’s what I’m talking about,” Lawrence will moan, sounding just like a deacon a church exhorting the minister to pray harder. Except we are in a sweaty hotel bed and he is urging me to fuck him harder.

So when Lawrence texts me on my cellphone Friday I try to prevent him from getting on the subject of the next hookup by inviting him to join a support group for down-low men I am thinking about forming.

“Let me think about that,” he answers.

“I guess that means the answer is no,” I text back.

“Well, I didn’t let my sexuality interfere with my marriage.”

“I didn’t either. My marriage was troubled before I got into guys,” I answer.

But what Lawrence texted made me mad — like I was somehow less than able because I was not continuing to juggle marriage and man sex like he continued to do. I started typing furiously on text phone, telling him that his marriage was not “good” if he was running around hooking up with men in hotels and periodically planning sexcapades with dudes while on business trips. I told him in effect he was living a lie — his marriage was just a front.

Besides I had rolled with Lawrence for a year and only seen his dick semi-erect one time. He sure as hell wasn’t fucking his wife with that limp shit.

“I understand that but at the same time I think you are faking yourself out,” I texted him. “And to a large extent your life is false.”

“Then this conversation his over!,” he texted back. I messaged him a few more times but he did not answer back.

He will call back in a few weeks when the urge to get a dick overpowers him again.

Brothers such as Lawrence trip me out. They act like desiring men is a sickness that comes and go. You get the itch, scratch it until it’s gone, and pray it doesn’t come back for a long time.

The same evening Lawrence and I fell out another married down-low brother I know, “Bruce” (Read “A Very Short Sex Party”) e-mailed me to say the urge to be with men was getting stronger. It had gotten so bad that he was frequently telling his wife he was working late but going to spend time with a male lover.

“Dude, why don’t you just separate and live your life,” I asked.

“Yeah, I’m going to have to get up out of here soon,” he said, laughing nervously. “I’m just waiting until the time is right.”

I talked to some gay buddies over the last few days about the exchange with Lawrence. I’m still feeling upset about it more than a day later and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. I know it was a text message exchange but it was like he hung up on me.

Several friends I told said some men just aren’t brave enough to step out of the down-low world and be fully gay. When I jumped on Lawrence I had probably hit a nerve, which is why he abruptly cut off contact.

“Man, living a double life is a hard thing,” one buddy said. “Having to lie all the time is stressful. It takes a toll on a brother.”

Yeah, I ought to know. That’s why I stopped doing it.

11 thoughts on “Down-Low Men on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

  1. I think I'm more intrigued by the fact that a 61 year old man can text back and forth without any issues…HAHAHA…seriously though, I think the support group is a great idea and I wish you the best of luck

  2. Immanuel..You were a bit hard on Lawrence. True it takes much bravery to do what you've done, but you don't know Lawrences full situation. He may feel he has more to lose than you. Socially, financially, family, etc. Not everyone is ready to throw caution to the wind to satisfy their on personal selfish desires. Lawrence may actually be thinking of others general happiness and well-being before his own.

    I can understand the desire of a support group. I can imagine life is challenging and sometimes lonely for Brothers who've chosen your path. Best wishes!!

  3. I take issue with this part of your comment:

    “Not everyone is ready to throw caution to the wind to satisfy their on personal selfish desires. Lawrence may actually be thinking of others general happiness and well-being before his own.”

    Being gay and desiring men is not being selfish. It is simply how certain men are made by God. You cannot live your life making others happy — you have to live a life of honesty and self-awareness. And besides if you do not know how to love yourself and make yourself happy, you cannot make others happy.

    Lawrence is a good guy and we've had some nice times and interesting conversations. But ultimately he is thinking about himself and not the “general happiness.” By staying in a marriage he is putting up a facade to fool the public. And since he travels frequently he is able to get fucked by dudes from coast to coast.

    He will be stuck in this holding pattern for some time. Not growing. Not progressing.

    I truly feel in the last few months I've grown. I'm lonelier but I'm happier too. And I hope I'm an example to others. Lawrence, by being honest with himself, could help others too.

  4. Immanuel,

    I somewhat have to agree with Anonymous….Just because you have done it, doesn't mean everyone else has to jump on the same bandwagon as you. I hate to say it, but you are sounding like a “newly born again Christian” who just joined the yesterday, now everyone needs to join the same church that you attend.

    …people have to move within their own time, so try not to be so judgmental and self-righteous because of your own bravery.

    Love ya much, Bruh.

  5. He said something that hit a nerve with you, and you just said something back to also hit a nerve. You were just giving him some information about the group and he wasn't interested, which is fine. However he didn't have to go where he went with his comment.

    He is not ready for the group and may never be because he feels at his age, he may be set for his life and doesn't want to change it. Though the group sounds more like a place to sound off than to try to make people change, which is good. Talking is the key to understanding one's self and why we do what we do.

    Offering people another way to live is not always as welcoming as one thinks. It is a fearful opportunity for some, and feel they are being spat upon for living the way they are living, even if one's comment wasn't meant that way. It's not anyone's fault in particular. It's fear's fault.

    It is hard, but you (Immanuel)have to learn to shut your emotions down when you offer this opportunity (DL group) to others. The response will run the gamut, from fear and loathing towards you because they feel they are being judged, to extreme happiness from others because they may have searching for a new way live, but felt stuck and couldn't fathom how to move out of their relationship, and having fear of the unknown of this new life.

    If you let go of your emotions, people will see by your calm
    non-reaction to their reaction that you didn't mean anything by it other than the offer to join this group. They, like you felt, just don't want to feel judged. Your calmness will make them calm and that will make you ahead of the game, because there will be a lot of emotions flying around in those group discussions. Good luck with it. I hope the group happens.

    Peace,
    D1961

  6. I feel sorry for that 61 year old dude. I have been in his shoes until i found acceptance when my ex wife outed me to my friends and co workers.

  7. Immanuel, I admire this blog. I'm a DL brother myself, 20years old. I wish I had somebody like you in my area to talk to because I got a few questions.

  8. Hello: I am writing a paper about Downlow brothers for a class. Do you know I would go about meeting a Downlow Brother in the San Francisco/Bay Area for an interview.

    Thank you.

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