Will the Down-Low Brothers Stand Up!

You know, when you think about it being down-low is so stupid. Shit this is 2010. Gay marriage is legal in several states, Canada and South Africa.

Will all the gay and bisexual brothers in the closet just come out. Stand up and be counted! Be yourself! If they knew how many of us there really are, things would change. There is power in numbers.

Because being down-low wastes sooo much energy. Life is too short. The sneaking around, the setting up hookups and meeting places. All for a half hour or hour so you can pull off your mask and be yourself before running back to the closet and the woman and kids.

And the denial. It’s sickening.

I’ve already written about a married, down-low brother I know named “Branden” (read “The Bond.”)He takes the stupidity of down-low life to new heights, or should I say depths.

He is short and dark-skinned and has masculine swagger that makes up for his short dick. But the antics he goes through to get hookups and hide his true sexuality are comical.

He will call dudes from blocked numbers and carefully measure the timbre of their voices to make sure they are as masculine as possible. He parks as far away as he can from hookups so nobody recognizes his car. And he deliberately named his online sex hookup profile in a way that makes it seem he is a visitor just passing through town.

Because Branden is so paranoid he is convinced effeminate dudes are more likely to get in his business and show up at his front door and tell his wife he likes to fuck ass and suck a little dick on the side.

“You’re too out there,” he once said to me. “You have to be more discrete.”

But Branden is not so down-low as he thinks. He has been fucking with dudes since college and has a long-term thing with an old college buddy. They hook up whenever his buddy visits town.

Branden will tell his wife he is going out drinking with his buddy when in fact they are laid up in some hotel room fucking.

I remember once I threw a small sex party at a buddy’s and one of the guests happened to have gone to college with Branden. Branden eyes got big and he pulled me out of the bedroom, grabbed my arm and leaned close so he could whisper in my ear.

“You didn’t tell me he was going to be here,” he said. “Shit, I went to college with that dude. He could put my business out.”

While we are talking that old college buddy of his was getting the shit fucked out of him doggy style by this beefy brown-skinned dude. Later he would ride my dick like a cowgirl.

“Shit man am I supposed to check the guest list to see who knows you and who doesn’t,” I said.

“Branden, look he is here doing the same shit you are,” I continued, laughing. “If he rats you out just say ‘hell, he was at the same sex party I was so what’s up with that?'”

Branden’s dark face stayed serious and unsmiling. He really didn’t get the absurdness of the situation.

Today I took a break from work and had lunch with “Colin” (See “Snowed in in the Suburbs”). I told him I planned to write a blog about how dumb being down-low is.

“Damn, I separated from my wife and moved out,” I said. “That takes being brave. Why can’t some of these other guys do that?”

I expected Colin to praise my leap into the unknown but he didn’t fall for my lead.

“Immanuel, it’s not that easy,” Colin said. “Society, churches, everything is telling these guys what they are doing is wrong and what they are is wrong.”

What Colin said made me think and get down off my high horse. Was I braver for leaving and breaking up my home or are down-low men braver for staying and keeping up the front and being what society wants?

I guess what was a right decision for me may not be a right decision for everybody.

8 thoughts on “Will the Down-Low Brothers Stand Up!

  1. good post, I agree with you wholeheartedly but I also believe in to each his own. What maybe your path may not be anothers. But in essence its all about being true to ones self and we are not in a society where truth is welcome. we are taught to wear masks at a young age and very few of us can break away from the pack.

  2. The problem is that MOST black men are taught not to have a lot heart…”don't speak up, don't talk back, go with the pack (and you just might make something of yourself)”…The issue is not about making the “right decision” by sparing yourself and others the negatives of revealing such info. Its the lying to oneself and being deceitful to others that needs to stop. We are all grown ass men: we are not obliged to wear our sexualities on our sleeves or to tell anybody we aren't fucking for that matter. But to get married, have children, all while you're out having affairs (period) is not only dishonest and disgusting, but lacks HEART.

    I often found myself alone in my early college years because of these same principles. For most guys, the mask that (you think) hides everything is just too scary to part from. I didn't reveal myself to everyone because I didn't find it necessary…But you also didn't see me pushing up on females or pledging with the guys or acting like “I like PUSSY”. And they all knew that in terms of masculinity I could run with the best of them.
    We each have to [reveal ourselves TO ourselves] in our own time; but sometimes it goes way too far (ie marriage, kids, the hiding, the lying, the diseases). Its a mess, simply because we cant be REAL…..I have a very hard time respecting such folk, only because I know what I expect from myself and what I struggled through with my own loneliness and self worth.

  3. I really like your post. The experiences in the first part were funny. I think most men are afraid to come out because of how society will treat them. That is a major concern for most the acceptance they will receive when they are out. It is not easy being out….It takes someone who is really comfortable in their own skin to – a certain level of maturity as well.

    I hope more people will accept themselves as they are. You deserve an award…you didn't hide the real you.

  4. @JP…I have already come out a bit..to my therapist and a close female friend. Who I reveal myself to will depend on the situation. As posters said in comments not everybody needs to know your business. I know when my kids get older I will have to have a talk with them. I think they may have an idea what is up because children always know more than they say. Our relationships is going pretty well so far during this separation. The issue that gets too me are these guys who really prefer men but suppress to conform to society.

  5. “What Colin said made me think and get down off my high horse. Was I braver for leaving and breaking up my home or are down-low men braver for staying and keeping up the front and being what society wants?”

    Oh by all means, continuing to lie to your friends, your wife, your kids, your co-workers – living your life as a complete lie – that's much braver.

    How brave would it have been if you had been screwing guys on the side and your wife had been hooking up with other women on the side? Would have been brave enough to earn you both the civilian equivalent of the Purple Heart medal for your bravery? Would your kids look up to you as role models?

    You teach your children right and wrong – and even bravery – by example. Would your kids think you had done the right thing by living a lie until they were grown and gone and continuing to pretend you were straight? Would they have considered you to be brave for skulking around behind their mother's back fucking random people and risking her health and yours?

    I don't have children and I never got married. I didn't originally LIKE the fact that I preferred men, but I couldn't stomach lying my way into a marriage of convenience to satisfy society and my family. I feared being outed so much that I seriously contemplated suicide. My family had instilled in me that being different was THAT bad. Thankfully I couldn't bring myself to drag a woman who had her whole life ahead of her into my lie. That to me is not bravery.

    If you're truly bisexual and you like both men and women, then I feel for you having had to make such a weighty decision. But from what I've read on your blog, you prefer to lay pipe in men. Therefore I pity you, your wife and your children for having to deal with the wreckage of your marriage. I hope your kids have been raised to understand that it's better to be yourself than to lie and drag others into that lie. Please tell me you taught them better than you were taught by your family.

  6. Reading this blog really has me wondering if there are any truly heterosexual men. I'm a woman, but it seems like so many men have some form of same-sex sexual feelings but they hide it. A woman truly can't ever know 100% if her man has any sexual attraction for men. And many of these men won't admit it to themselves so they definitely won't admit it to women. A male friend of mine once said that he believed we are all on a sexual continuum. I'm not sure if I totally agree, but after reading this blog, it seems that could have a lot of truth to it.

  7. Well alot has been said and at first I was going to come down on you harshly until you “got off of your high horse.”

    It is my belief and I honestly think that the whole DL thing will be something of the past sooner or later. I think instead of asking men to come out we should address what is causing men to be DL, like church, media, family, society, etc.


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