On Thursday night I prayed for strength and when I woke up Friday morning I did it. I deleted my Adam4Adam profile.
This mindless marathon sex is getting stupid. The endless parade of asses, chests, lips, thighs, and dicks. They are all beginning to blur into each other. Most of the guys I meet throw mediocre, desperate sex. Wham. Bam. Thank you ma’am.Or they seek instant intimacy as if busting a nutt together is all it takes to jumpstart a relationship.
Very few meet my physical, intellectual or emotional standards or match my intensity.
So why am I doing this? I am so much more. I will tell you why. I have hooked up because it can be fun and is something to do to pass the time, to beat back the loneliness that is always waiting like a tiger ready to pounce at the borders of my psyche.It’s an addiction and I need to go cold turkey.
Because there has got to be more to being a gay man than hooking up online. And it’s time I discover it.
The text messages and telephone calls come within hours. I get up from my desk at work, go into a conference room, close the door, and take them
“Did you really delete your account,” one guy who is a potential hookup asks. “Wow, we were just chatting yesterday and then you were gone.”
“Good for you,” my buddy “Baron” says. “After you get off work let’s talk about it some more. I’m proud of you.”
“You’ll be back,” my other friend “Rex” says.
Yes, I may evenutally post a new profile. But I want to try being gay a different way. I look back through my saved messages on Adam4Adam and realize I have been going strong since the summer of 2007. That is almost three years. How many guys have I bedded down in three years? I lost count.
So I plan to fill my time in other ways. I took my kids out for pizza last night and then on to the roller rink. Then I went over to a good buddy “Marcel” to watch a gay-themed movie called “Heights” with him and two other guys.Two handsome, middle aged black men that seemed comfortable together.
“Are they a couple?” I ask Marcel.
“No they are exes but they still live together.”
“Oh, I guess neither can afford to move out.”
“You guessed right,” Marcel answers.
Later this weekend I will work out with Marcel at the gym and help him with his abdominals, take an African guy to a museum, take my children on a Black History exhibit or the aquarium, and go to lunch with yet another brother on Monday.
Yeah, I might get a little sex this weekend. But I won’t be doing it online.