Getting Off the Online Merry-Go-Round


On Thursday night I prayed for strength and when I woke up Friday morning I did it. I deleted my Adam4Adam profile.

This mindless marathon sex is getting stupid. The endless parade of asses, chests, lips, thighs, and dicks. They are all beginning to blur into each other. Most of the guys I meet throw mediocre, desperate sex. Wham. Bam. Thank you ma’am.Or they seek instant intimacy as if busting a nutt together is all it takes to jumpstart a relationship.

Very few meet my physical, intellectual or emotional standards or match my intensity.

So why am I doing this? I am so much more. I will tell you why.  I have hooked up because it can be fun and is something to do to pass the time, to beat back the loneliness that is always waiting like a tiger ready to pounce at the borders of my psyche.It’s an addiction and I need to go cold turkey.

Because there has got to be more to being a gay man than hooking up online. And it’s time I discover it.

The text messages and telephone calls come within hours. I get up from my desk at work, go into a conference room, close the door, and take them

“Did you really delete your account,” one guy who is a potential hookup asks. “Wow, we were just chatting yesterday and then you were gone.”

“Good for you,” my buddy “Baron” says. “After you get off work let’s talk about it some more. I’m proud of you.”

“You’ll be back,” my other friend “Rex” says.

Yes, I may evenutally post a new profile. But I want to try being gay a different way. I look back through my saved messages on Adam4Adam and realize I have been going strong since the summer of 2007. That is almost three years. How many guys have I bedded down in three years? I lost count.

So I plan to fill my time in other ways. I took my kids out for pizza last night and then on to the roller rink. Then I went over to a good buddy “Marcel” to watch a gay-themed movie called “Heights” with him and two other guys.Two handsome, middle aged black men that seemed comfortable together.

“Are they a couple?” I ask Marcel.

“No they are exes but they still live together.”

“Oh, I guess neither can afford to move out.”

“You guessed right,” Marcel answers.

Later this weekend I will work out with Marcel at the gym and help him with his abdominals, take an African guy to a museum, take my children on a Black History exhibit or the aquarium, and go to lunch with yet another brother on Monday.

Yeah, I might get a little sex this weekend. But I won’t be doing it online.

10 thoughts on “Getting Off the Online Merry-Go-Round

  1. Great post, I did the same over 10 months ago. If you know the art of flirting and have an air of confidence you will attract men with the same level of self-worth you posses. Its a positive step in the direction of being a progressive black man.

  2. Yes you will feel the urge to go back on the site to find a hookup but I think you have the mental strength to keep it at bay.

    Certainly…if you find a new thing to be addicted to (blog lol) you won't go back.

    I think after a while it gets boring and you want more. Do i think you are a great person, yes and Do you deserve more….super yes.

    If you do go back…let us know….we may fall but we rise again.

  3. i am so so so happy for you.. keep up the good work.. me and my bf – deleted out account and we are super happy now…God is good!

  4. Continue to take stock and make decisions that you feel are best for you. If you go back to the online world, that's your choice, but remember you can stop it again if you want to also.

    Go explore the rest of the world. You will run into a mumber of people you have slept with, but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with them again. And never hate yourself if you go back, or decide you enjoy that world. Destroying your self-esteem will make you do the things you don't like for longer periods of time than if you just “fell off the wagon for a moment”.

    Take this time to get clarity. Do what you want to do because you want to do it. Then when you no longer want to, then stop. You may have many starts and stops. That's okay. Just try to always have clarity when either happens. Live in that moment. That what makes us human.

    Build your friendships so you have people to lean on. You have some and really only really a good few. As you go on some of those “few” will continue to change. One ot two faces will always be there, while one to three others will change as often as the seasons. That too is okay. Not everyone walks their entire lifetime with all the same people they start off with.

    Most important, find peace.

    Peace, D1961

  5. BRAVO!!! It's a great thing for you to do. You absolutely have the right to go back to Adam whenever that time comes but the difference will be how your newly defined life will be. Spending the needed time to redefine who you are as a newly divorced, gay, black man with 2 children will give you an insight that will create the kind of clarity and peace you deserve. The distraction of loneliness and sex will dissipate. You are evolving and growing, my brother!!

  6. Wow your Blog is wonderful.

    I was iintroduced to Adam4Adam through a friend. I have actually met some cool guys off of it. But fir the most part its been disappointing and as you said many of the men there dont met my intellectual and emotional needs.

    However, it is hard to let go because finding and establishing platonic gay friends is a difficult process…especially if you are not “out.” I commend you for the fortitude brah.

    -06nATL

  7. @ AyeJay Da' Muzik Hunta,

    ” If you know the art of flirting and have an air of confidence you will attract men with the same level of self-worth you posses.”

    How do you do it? how do you get to this point? I often think a guy may be flirting, however I dont want to be outed if I make the wrong move.

  8. I deleted A4A and a couple of other accounts but opened up a new A4A because of the loneliness. I have been logging on less and less. It is only one of my addictions and I know they are all distractions from serious emotional pain. I pray to God to walk me through that pain so that I can finely grow up emotionally and not fear becoming enmeshed, to learn to take and not just give, to love myself.

    • Eric I pray you work work through the pain too. Continue to pray for it. I also urge you to get therapy and try to have a few good friends you can talk to about it. The fact you recognize your issues is a HUGE step. You will be fine. Things will get better.

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