I will share a two-bedroom apartment with a married, straight dude whose wife is away in grad school. It is ideal – less than a mile from my family home. So I can stay a part of my kids lives, which is really where my focus is now.
My wife and I are discussing when I will have weekends with the kids, how the bills will be paid etc. Financially, we are at a place where we can do this. I’m sad and happy at the same time. I feel weird, like a stranger in a strange land.
Some of my down-low friends have said go back, patch that stuff up. But the damage has been done. She knows. Every time I go to the store or gym she will be wondering – is he cheating on me. That’s not the way to live –she deserves a mate who will be totally committed to her. Who knows? She may have found him already (smile).
Besides, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I always had a reputation as an upright, stand-up guy. That is, until I let a dude suck my dick and eventually discovered , “Damn, I prefer the company of men.” But now living a double life is too tiring. I’m tired of the lying. It’s stupid. This is 2009, not 1959!
My buddy “Andre” and I talked about this a few days ago. About down-low men who are so used to lying and covering up their true identities that lying becomes a part of their essence, their very souls. Nah, I want to live in the light! Fuck that!
Now, it’s time to explore the gay world. I’ve met some good folks over the past few months but many liars and players. Any advice readers can give me would be much appreciated…I would love to hear from men black white, red, yellow and polka-dot who have been down this road.
Maybe it’s time to change the name of this blog from “Confessions of a Down-low Brother” to “Adventures of a Newly Gay Married Brother Who Used to Be Down-Low and Gave that Shit Up.”
Okay…that title is too long…I’ll think of something else…