"I Think I’m Going to Try Str8 Life Again"


“Don” is down-low married black man I invited to a small sex party a few months ago. The action had already started in the hotel room when Don arrived.

Don, a handsome, middle-aged brother with a solid, athletic build, quickly stripped off his clothes and jumped into the action. First he fucked “Preacher Man” with rapid, energetic strokes. Then he took on another slender, versatile guy named “Morris” who I have been rolling with.

I looked on with a mixture of awe and arousal. Don fucked like a maniac. A man on a mission.

Everybody had a good time — Don had an easy-going, jovial manner about him. The group promised to get together again. Then Don had to quickly shower and rush out to pick up his son from school.

Later Don and I struck up a friendly email exchange on a gay hookup Web site. If I remember correctly, Don has been hooking up with men for almost two decades. Mostly he is a top but sometimes he likes to take dick too.

Thursday evening I got an email from Don on the Web site. “I’m glad you’re online. There was something I had to tell you,” Don’s message begins.

He goes on to say he is tired of the down-low drama and is ready to try to live a totally “Str8,” or straight, lifestyle. He planned to delete his profile on the hook-up Web site. His message continues:

“I mean I’m getting offers from some hot young studs and I just can’t do it anymore. I think it is time to pull the ripcord. If i’m not able to get excited for hot and i mean HOT young smooth twink ass…This just might not be for me.”

Don has a point. The DL lifestyle can get tiring — all the running and sneaking around and setting up hookups. It can get extremely addictive, sucking away energy from other activities.
On one hand it can feel good and natural to express a side of your sexuality. But there is also the nagging guilt of cheating and the awareness you are breaking social and moral norms.

The bisexual, gay and DL lifestyle can also be superficial. Don and I are both handsome black men in our mid 40s. I am blessed with a good physique and good genetics. When I tell people I am in my 40s they are sometimes suprised, saying I look like I am in my mid to late 30s. But how long can I go before I turn into a dirty old man stalking the Internet in search of younger meat?

From his emails I can also not tell whether Don is having a bad day or just had a bad hookup. I know like a lot of us he is experiencing job and economic pressures.

“Are you depressed?” I ask him.

“It comes and goes,” he says in an email.

I sincerely wish Don luck with giving up the DL way. I give him my cell number so we can keep in touch. I doubt he will use it. We are more friends in cyberspace — and contact with me may prompt him to backslide.

And I wonder whether he can live up to his convictions. In the past week — no lie — I have been contacted by two, married down-low brothers in their late 40’s and 50’s who have taken a break from this for months and now are ready to jump back in. The urge comes back and they can’t resist.

One of them, “Maurice” emailed me, saying his wife was out of town and he was ready to play. He even told me he went to a men’s sex club in our metropolitan area one evening and got fucked on and off for hours.

I told you down-low men are like vampires. We look like everybody else and can blend in. But we have a desire — an itch that we must scratch. Then we go hunting for blood.

I’m hoping Don can resist the itch. I wish you all the best brother. We did not know each other well but I will miss you.

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