Hookup Rule No. 1: If its Too Much Trouble…Don’t Do It


Look, I’ve become an expert at getting sexual hookups online. I have created my own set of rules to do it efficiently, quickly, safely and get the most bang for my mouse click.
But yesterday I broke my No. 1 Rule — “If a hookup is too much trouble to get, it aint’ worth it.”
Here’s the scenario. A brother and I start conversing online. He is a top, and I’m a top so what the fuck does he want? He emails me back: “I want you to take this ass, control it.”
In other words, he wants to “flip” and be a bottom instead of a more dominant top.
“Sure, lets do that,” I answer.
Then the bullshit started.
“Send a face picture of yourself to my email,” he says.
“Okay, I don’t usually do this but I will,” I answer. “I’ll kick your ass if you my photo turns up where I don’t want it.”
He laughs. “I’m over 40 years old…I’m too old to play games like that.”
He lives a 40-minute drive away but I have some free time before I got work to do so I drive down.
We agree to meet at a grocery store parking lot. He isn’t there. I call.
He then gives me directions to a gas station nearer his house…but his directions suck and it takes me forever to drive the mile.
I’m beginning to think this is more trouble than its worth and I should just go home.
I sit at the gas station and wait for 10 minutes for him to show up. He finally shows. Handsome, light-skinned, slender, midde-aged brother. He asks me over to his car. We chat about this and that but there is something odd about his demeanor. I have to repeat everything I say to him twice and when he speaks he speaks low, as if talking to himself.
I had things to do. “Look man, I’m going to hop in my car. I’ll see you some other time.”
“Nah, man, I want to hook up with you. Hop in your car and follow me.”
Against my better judgment I follow him less than a mile to his house. It is tastefully decorated and very neat. I know he is cheating on somebody but I can’t figure out who by the family pictures. He doesnt wear a wedding band.
He probably had a male lover and met me outside to make sure I wasn’t in their social circle.
Because face it, the gay, down-low, bisexual universe is smaller than the straight world and you will eventually run into someone you know — your dentist, a high school classmate — hell even your minister might be down.
We strip in the family room. He just lays back on the sofa and lets me work on him — licking his nipples and eating that ass. When he gives me foreplay it is tentative — I barely feel his tongue licking my left nipple.
Then he sits on my lap and rubs my dick on his ass. Then he humps me from behind as if he is trying to top me. That shit won’t happen.
This guy is confused, I think. He doesn’t know what he wants. Plus he acts like he is in a haze — all his movements are a little slower than normal. Yeah, this muthafucka is high on something.
His cell phone is on the coffee table. It keeps buzzing and buzzing, repeatedly disrupting the already lame mood. He finally answers it.
“Shit. It’s my job,” he says. “I should have been there already.”
For the first time I look carefully at his eyes. Yeah, this dude is on drugs. He had that distracted, not-quite-there look.
And look, I’m a sexual freak but there is one thing I don’t fuck around with…a job. No hookup is worth being habitually late to work. The fact this guy was messing around with his livelihood indicated he was a sloppy muthafucka.
But I was glad to have an out. “Look, you got to go to work so I’m out of here.”
I had my clothes on and out the door in less than five minutes. That afternoon I called him and told him off.
“Look, don’t have brothas drive 40 minutes to get to your house and you know you don’t have time to do nothing. Are you on drugs or something?”
“No, I’m not on drugs,” he answered. “Look, I’ll call you later.” He hung up.
He didn’t call and I was glad. I went back on line and blocked his profile so he couldn’t email me again. If sex is bad the first time around it will not get better the second time. (That’s Immanuel’s Hookup Rule No. 5)
That dude should also consider himself lucky. I have heard of guys making a scene and even fighting when a hookup is not what they expected. Shit, when gas was over $4 a gallon last year a buddy of mine made a disappointing hookup give him $20 to cover his gas!
But the 40-minute drive wasn’t a total waste. I knew another down-low brotha that lived about a mile from him. I knew this guy worked evenings so would likely be home. I went over and knocked on ” Taylor’s” door and he let me in.
Taylor had been mad at me because I stood him up once but when he looked down at my bulging crotch he didn’t say much and just led me to the bedroom.
I busted a good nutt with him.

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